Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Brandon

Each day that passes me by is one more that I will not get back, each hour I make it through feeling like more of a blessing than the one before and the minutes keep ticking by leaving me desperately trying to complete the remaining tasks on my wish list as my body grows weaker and the remaining seconds before my final reality become more and more precious to me.

My phone has been blowing up as my best friend discussed the choices she had made for her future, the plans for her career and her wishes for Eleanora, each call and text message making my heart swell as I try hard to not let my own looming departure overshadow her happiness. The day she called and told me that her tiny tot was officially named and was going to carry my name within hers I could not help but feel the ache deep in my heart that I will never get to meet her daughter, I am unable to travel now, and Emily is unaware of how far my illness has dragged me and I really do not want her to know at least not just yet anyway.

The cancer is now in control and is just working its way up to those final moments of domination. My pain is constant, and I can no longer leave the house, my family are spending their days with me taking it in turns to babysit me while the boys are stopping by in the evenings and never going home until the morning none of them wanting me to be alone for a second. The concern clear on each face that crosses the threshold to my flat, each of their broken voices finding any excuse for them popping by to see me. They always stay until I am passed out from exhaustion before they make themselves a bed on my sofa.

I love the Mboys and my family for their support and concern and I really am grateful for their support so I can stay in my own home but something about them being here is just leaving me feeling like a burden. When they leave me briefly in the mornings, those pauses in my days when I can breathe without a chaperone are my favourite because those are the few moments that I get to forget my reality and I find myself using that time to dream of a life that I wanted, a future that I thought I would have just a year ago, then the doorbell rings out, breaking my moment and my time is gone dropping me back into the here and now, to being the sick bloke who can barely use the toilet by himself these days.

My phone has been screaming out, interrupting my quiet time in the shower, I sit on the stool praying for it to just stop even if its just for five minutes, all I want is to spend some time sat on my own away from the noise of the world outside of my flat, the strangers enjoying the summer sun while I continue to just waste away inside the same four walls, the same walls that I used to love escaping into but now I just want to escape from.

Choosing to ignore the phone is not going to get me anywhere and I know that in know time at all someone will be hammering my door down or worse just letting themselves in and finding me sat here naked under the stream of boiling hot water that I am using to try and dull the ache in my heart that I am feeling everyday.

I thump the button on the wall turning the shower off before I drag myself up from the stool that is the only thing giving me my freedom right now to keep being able to wash myself. The annoying tone of my phone screams out louder as I leave my en-suite and head back into my bedroom, I take in the name on the screen as it disconnects again before I can swipe across to answer it, I check the missed call log realising that the same name is on the screen repeatedly not one call from anyone else just Hero and loads of voicemails from him too. The screen lights up again as he tries to make contact "alright mate" I make an attempt to sound light-hearted, but my heart feels like its being strangled as a sob falls down the line "H man whats happened?" Please god do not take their baby they may not be perfect right now, but Eleanora is the only thing that will hold them together until they are ready to takes those steps to forever.

My silent prayers are answered quickly as he starts to stutter out to me "Di.... did yo...you know?" I try to think about what it could possibly be "You did didn't you, why B why would you let her do this to me?" Another sob break before he rants "I have tried to prove myself I have worked at being the guy they both need and for what for her to cut me out and make plans to raise my kid with another guy by her side" my jaw hits the floor what the fuck has been going on down there, I mean I knew they had things to discuss but not once has Emme told me anything about cutting Hero out of the babies life at least not since he found out about all of our lies anyway, then reality starts to dawn, shit another guy.