Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Hero

Daylight is hitting his translucent skin as he lays tucked under the duvet, his natural colour now faded from ebony to a soft latte, his normally well-groomed curly hair no longer looking perfectly kept instead resembling a newly made birds nest on top of his resting head.

The conversation I feared having with him no longer a priority as I instead embrace the silence of the room, the hospital machinery that was present the last time I saw him no longer filling the space with beeps and clicks for which I'm grateful have been removed, knowing that he didn't want to die linked up to machines but peacefully in his sleep instead.

I shuffle myself slowly to the vacant seat beside his bed, lowering myself down until I am perched on the edge, taking in his lifeless body led before me, leaning my own body forward resting my hand on top of his rigid one the shock at the temperature of his sparking through me as I take in how cold he feels to the touch. The only thing convincing me that he is in fact still with us being the slow rise and fall of his chest as he takes in air from his slightly parted mouth.

"Hey bro" I slowly whisper into the room "so I came to talk but you look far to saintly so instead I think its best we leave this all alone now" I have so much I wanted to say to him but its clearly too late to change things now "agreed B" I tell him.

The creaking of the door opening behind me has me freezing on the spot, the familiar scent of my brothers aftershave hitting my senses before I find him leaning over my shoulder "H you need to talk to him" I snort, what the hell is he on about the guy is sleeping whats the point in talking to him while he is asleep "he can hear you and he needs this closure just like you do Hero, get it done so you can say goodbye with no regrets" the familiar feel of his fingers digging into me giving me the same reassurance that has been constantly coming from him since the moment I discovered I was going to become a father, no since the moment I accepted that I was going to be a father and invested everything into the future I thought was coming.

The soft click of the door closing brings me back to the matter at hand, having my final conversation with Brandon about Emily, the joint love of our lives. I take a deep breath in a hope to calm my racing heart and to give me a few more seconds to work out what I want to say and more importantly what I need to say to him before it's too late.

"I read your letter Brandon, it wasn't what I was expecting but I guess I should have known it would be about her, about the only person who was ever able to drive a wedge between us and our friendship" the memories of those words that had screamed at me from the crisp white paper mixed with the vision of his trembling hands gripping the pen as he had poured his heart out to me in the final one-sided conversation we will have and now its my turn to pour my own out into this room before I miss my chance to tell him how I feel about this whole messed up situation.

"The day I met Emily she sparked something inside me, and I had no clue what it was until the days went past and all I wanted was to speak to her and see her in person, nothing else mattered to me and I guess when I look back now it was an obsession"

I have never thought of it that way before now but sitting here next to him the silence reminding me of the months I spent in my room before I claimed her as mine and the craziness that I allowed to filter into my head back then as I forced myself not to make any crazy moves to win her over.

"I was jealous of you and her, I would get so pissed off when she would sit with you talking and relaxing when all I wanted was to have her to myself, shit B all I really wanted was to go back to the day I introduced her to the boys and take it all back, take her back to the secret rendezvous that we had spent so long enjoying" the flutter in my stomach that has been missing for so long is back as I take a moment before I continue with this deep and meaningful chat "she changed me, you were right and yeah I guess in some ways it was for the better it gave me some of the best experiences of my life, memories that I will treasure forever but in others it was the start of the worst nightmare of my life, it has been nothing but hell and has left me with so many regrets I don't know if I can ever make things better for the people who our destructive relationship has hurt along the way"