Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Hero

The flashing screen of my phone induces a racing pace of my heartbeat as Titan's name appears, I know that the call is about Brandon but what I am not positive about is if it's because he has left us or for another reason and the risk that it may be because he has passed away is the only thing that has me answering the call without a second thought.

"Hero it's time" the broken voice of my brother vibrates down the line as my rapidly beating heart freezes in my chest "some of the guys are coming to say their goodbyes now, I think you need to come as well, don't you?" The tone of Titan's words telling me that this wasn't a question it's a demand for me to attend today before time runs out.

I need to go and see him; I need to acknowledge his letter before it's too late. After refusing to read it for the last few weeks since he handed it to me the morning after pushing me and Emme together to focus on the good times which resulted in more heartache for me after she left my bed in the early hours after telling me everything would be ok after giving me false hope I was left unable to forgive him for opening up the old wounds that I had been battling to contain since she produced the birth certificate that would cause this wedge between us.

I had not wanted to read his final words especially after seeing the effects that they had on some of the Mboys, with half of them happy he had unloaded his truths onto them they had all been vowing to change the things about them that he had called their irritations while others were hurt that he hadn't been honest before now believing that if he had then maybe they could have been closer as brothers years ago instead of being the ones who didn't get to enjoy his company on a more one to one basis and the final ones had been cocky after they had received nothing but love and they had boasted for weeks about their own letters causing more upset and friction between the Mboys leaving many of us with doubts about how we will survive as a brotherhood once Brandon is gone.

I knew that my letter was never going to be filled with hearts and flowers, I mean everyone knows of our history since Em came along and I made the fatal mistake of bringing her into my fold but after being told that he needed me to read it before he dies because he wanted to know my feelings on the words that he put onto paper and has left still currently whizzing around in my head I finally relented and opened the white envelope full of his confessions.

Now I have no idea how to deal with it in the right way I don't want him to pass away without this being resolved as he chooses but for me I feel that the love rivalry between us is over and done that is not an issue for me the issue for me is that he forced us to be together weeks ago knowing that it would end with us in bed, damn his bloody letter states that we always end up in bed together again so why did he do that if he loves her so much why would he complicate things so much for us again.

I have to accept that this shit has all happened and instead of letting it take control of my head again after these days of trying to get it all straight for myself to understand, I admit defeat to myself and tell my brother that I'm on my way opting to stop ignoring it and to just take the bull by the horns and face my so called love rival slash supposed mate for the final time.

"Mum I'm off to Brandon's" I call out as I hit the bottom of the stairs, not wanting to be stopped in my tracks knowing it will give me the perfect opportunity to doubt what I am about to do. I don't wait for her to reply instead I jog out of the front door with my helmet in hand.

The London traffic this morning is lighter than usual, it's like the world is slowing down around us everything is slowly moving around me while I zipped between the cars on my motorbike I continue to race towards the final moments of this chapter in my life, the last chapter that one of my good friends will experience with me.

My hands are trembling as I grip the handlebars of my Yamaha with a death grip, my nerves rising in my chest as I continue to weave between the traffic surprising myself that on this journey across the city I don't wanting to be too late now that the clock is on its final countdown, regret at not just getting the crap part of this over and done with before tainting these final moments that I am going to have with him.