Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Emily

Baby cries fill the room as I pace back and forth in a desperate attempt to calm her, the glares of Hero's piercing greens are burning into me the judgement on his behalf cutting the oxygen from the enclosed space of this bedroom, the bedroom that I have not entered since I spent my last sexual encounter with Hero here, the night that I told him what he wanted to hear when for just a brief moment I dreamt that it would be possible before giving myself a shake and escaping in the early hours before he could hold me to them.

I need Eleanora to give up with the crying, just once right now I need her to just allow me to sooth whatever it is that is upsetting her this much today, I need her to show them that I can cope that I am coping as a single parent.

"Is she ok?" And their it is the judgement of the perfect parent spoken aloud, I opt with ignoring the question as I continue to hush her "Emily, I asked you a question, don't ignore me" the annoyance is clear as he pushes for an answer from me.

A Tutt leaves my mouth followed swiftly by a grumble of disgust at his cheek in forcing me to discuss my daughter with him "she is a baby Hero, they cry and this little delight likes to cry all the time" his eyes bulge at the confession that his daughter screams like a hyena being attacked in the wild on a more than regular basis.

"Listen Em let me take her so you can read the letter" I stop pacing, the carpet feeling like quicksand under my feet "you need to read it and you can't concentrate if you have Eleanora screaming in your ear like that" I know he is trying to help but the sheer thought of him being able to sooth her has me hesitating "stop being so god damn stubborn Emme this whole shit today isn't about us its about doing what is right by Brandon so pull your shit together and hand our daughter over" the anger in him is pushing me beyond anger, the rage is filling me through to my core but I can't blow not here while Brandon is dying in front of us.

I snap my eyes to him as I make my way towards him "don't think this changes anything Hero because it doesn't" I hold Eleanora with outstretched arms to him, a strange feeling of relief rushes through me as I feel a weight lifting off my chest.

The white envelope that was in his hand stretches out between us, the all to familiar wave of anxiety travels through my body just like it has since the day it was handed to me in the café "I cant do this H" I whisper my eyes finding his "it hurts so god damn much I just want to take it all away from him" a lone tear settles on my bottom lashes as I suck in a deep breath waiting for some kind of reassurance from Hero.

Pushing it into my hand he retreats back into his seat our daughter in his arms while I remain standing turning it over and over in my hand as he continues to push "Open it Em, it will all be ok if you just open it and deal with whatever is inside, it will never be as bad as the reality check he gave to some of us because you are his Emily, his best friend the love of his life" I know he is right but things have felt out of sync between us recently, something just hadn't been the same since he forced me to spend time with Hero.

I turn the envelope one last time, the seal looking up at me as my thumb strokes over the loose edge, that corner pleading with me to rip it open. The shallow breathing of my best friend as he lets out a low groan snapping me from my thoughts and back into the present moment "he needs you to do this" I hate admitting that Hero is right even if it is silently to myself, so instead of giving him any satisfaction I grip ahold of the edge of this envelope that has been weighing so heavily on my shoulder, finally breaking those past thoughts of dread but still carrying the anxiety of what is awaiting me on my chest and I rip it open.

The heavy black ink is such a harsh contrast on the crisp white paper, the sweet opening to his letter is exactly what I was hoping for, the fact that he still sees me as his best friend is just what I needed to know right now. I take in the words as he asks me to make him a promise, a promise to really focus on what he is going to say in this letter, so with a deep breath a quick check on Hero and the baby I continue my reading.