Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Emily

"The backache that you are experiencing is the start of your labour Emily" those words are replaying over and over in my head as I lay here waiting for the next wave of pain to rip through my stomach.

I walked into my scan this afternoon knowing that something had felt different, my back had been hurting for days becoming rapidly worse as today had progressed.

The mission to get the dance routines locked down with the girls for the club while I still could had been keeping my focus away from the pain, whilst getting the nursery set up has kept me so busy in my spare moments that I have been neglecting the rest of my life. The time I haven't been making for Hero, to the time I have been spending at the flat with Hayden instead of in London with Brandon and mostly the dangers of my complicated pregnancy that had been demanding rest that I had been pushed to the back of my scrambled mind, my determination to achieve everything I wanted whilst I still could making me the worst possible version of myself as I neglected the needs of my unborn baby.

My smaller than average stomach for the thirty-week stage of pregnancy had me accepting that this baby was going to be small, the fact my pregnancy had continued even with these complications had led me to believe that everything was going to be fine, my weekly scans proving that the baby would be small but premature was not something I was ever ready to accept at least not up to this point anyway.

Now here I am sat on my hospital bed wired up to the monitors as they track my baby's heart beats. When I arrived, my baby was safely tucked up in the breech position not planning on joining us anytime soon so they have twisted baby boo in the hopes that I can still give birth in the way I hoped, with no pain relief and in a really chilled out room.

The midwives and doctors have been telling me not to waste time on stress because we cannot change what is happening, so I need to focus on the only thing that matters and that is to deliver my baby in whatever means needed safely.

I look up at the ticking clock on the wall the noise mixing with the monitors, the constant invasion of my peace and quiet while I wait for the people, I have elected to be here through this journey to arrive. I know that they are coming in a state of blind panic, Natalie and Freddie are on their way for the first sitting luckily they hadn't packed up for their summer in London yet, then they will switch with Brandon and Melinda for the final stages knowing that I had always wanted Melinda here with me for the birth with her being the only person who can ever keep me focused and stop the panic I always end up getting myself into.

With the blur of concern that the news that I was going to be facing the loss of my baby so soon I opted to hand the job of informing everyone from my family over to Melinda and telling my friends into the hands of Freddie. Plus I knew that Hero needed to be told ASAP but I needed to go through the process with the midwife and I didn't have time to try and make the call when I knew he was busy with his interviews so after I sent out one of the pre written messages from the list that I had put together for if this exact moment happened to Melinda I had taken some time to myself to get my head into the journey that is ahead of me.

My phone vibrates on the bed next to me snapping me from the thoughts of what is going to happen in the coming hours and days.

Hero Calling......

I spot his name on the screen of my phone, a mixture of emotions rushing through me at the sight of his name, the guilt in my stomach that he isn't here after everything that he has made the effort to do over the last few weeks to make me feel secure in how he will protect our child from his new world, the guilt is mixed with relief, the relief that he is on his way but then there is the fear of what is really going to happen after today because we hadn't got round to that discussion yet not properly anyway, that was the conversation that was next on our list but we had decided to make the plans when he returned to the UK not wanting to do everything over the phone.