Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Emily

Seventy-two hours, that is how long I have spent with Hero's words going around and around in my confused head.

What did he expect me to say? That I can just let everything go, that we can accept that he is not going to be anywhere near me for most of the next few years, that I will just be able to forget that he basically admitted that he only accused me of cheating on him because he was struggling to keep his hands to himself because after all his insistence about how blondes weren't his thing he had managed to leave me and within a matter of weeks started lusting after his Australian beauty costar, the same bombshell that he claims to have never been involved sexually with yet calls him big boy and who has been photographed flirting up a storm with him on the set of their precious franchise.

How would I ever be able to trust him fully while he was away working with her, hell how would I ever be able to trust him completely ever again?

My body has yet again become full of the familiar ache that just want to leave my body, the same old ache that has entered and left repeatedly since I was seventeen years old, since the day I meet the cocky London bad boy that I had only ever dreamed of having fun with. All I ever wanted was another world to be a part of, to use as an escape from the one I was born into and the one my mother was so desperately trying to get me to marry into. Each and every month that has past by has been this never-ending battle of me not knowing if I will be laughing and smiling or sobbing and heartbroken, and even now as I sit here alone, I still do not know how I am meant to be feeling this month.

My life was always on a road that I had mapped out for myself. I always planned to live a quiet life, my focus was always meant to be on helping children with special qualities, helping them to achieve the dreams they had set for themselves whilst assisting their families in being able to get the support they all need. That was it that was the dream, it was always the dream even when I had made this new set of friends and started to really feel like I fitted in somewhere for the first time in my life the dream remained the same, that was until the lead of my new group of friends decided to change everything, until he decided that friendship was not enough that he wanted to claim me as his own.

What an absolute joke that turned out to be!

The guy.... no boy wanted to claim me so no one else could but what he did not want was to give up his freedom or his control, he wanted to go out with the lads and end up in some bitch's bed or he wanted to chase his dreams while I stayed behind and waited for him like a good little girl.

Now the waiting for him thing would be fine if he at least cared about what's going on in my life when he checked in with me and didn't actually expect me to give up the people most important to me so that I could be hidden like a dirty little secret. My old world may not have been where I wanted to be, and the path I was on may have been cutting off the corners of the things I loved the most about my own personal being but at least they were not ashamed of me and they sure as hell did not want to hide me away like I did not exist to them.

Regret surges through me.

Regret for the friends I have drifted away from, for the fractured relationships I have created with some of my family members and most of all regret for staying quiet and allowing myself to be hidden. As I sit here in my lounge feeling the emptiness of the vast space without my fur babies creating chaos it is all sinking in, the regret I am feeling is all mine no matter how much I wanted to shove it onto Hero's shoulders to carry its not his its mine, I made the choices blindly, yes those choices may have been made because of my love for him but still I should have removed the blinkers after he left me because I had male friends, I mean he cheated even back then so I really did create these regrets myself.

Beneath all my regret is sadness.

Sadness is what has been flowing through my veins since the day I found out Hero had the part but could not have me too, the regret may be keeping me from rushing back into his arms, but the sadness is what is keeping me from being honest with him because this sadness he did because he made promises that he broke. The sparkle of my tear drop engagement catches my eye as it sits on the coffee table in the same spot that I had dropped it the day I finally took it off, I had been secretly wearing it after he left around the house, but the day he told me to have the abortion I had removed it from my finger not wanting him to have any control over my emotions or thoughts anymore, the issue then became that I wasn't able to move it and so it has sat like a sparkly decoration amongst the candles and flowers catching my eye each day as I wondered if I would ever be able to move it from that spot.