Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Emily

The soft whimpers of my baby girl through the monitor draw my attention from the two envelopes placed neatly in front of me on the table to the screen next to them, the tiny body of the most precious thing in my life is wriggling around as she comes out of her sleep bang on time for her next feed saving me from the task of opening them and avoiding giving them the attention they are screaming at me to give them.

I know that I need to acknowledge there existence by at least opening them but the feelings of having my daughter home for our first night together is a bubble of emotions that I can't even understand right now and I am not ready to add anything else into it anytime soon, at least for now they can wait until the morning while I try to adjust to this new life.

I allow myself some time to watch the tiny monitor as my princess wriggles around in her crib, her whimpers gaining strength as she opens her eyes realising that the security of my arms which she had fallen to sleep in have now been replaced by the soft mattress of her new bed and a blanket. The wailing begins softly, and I pull myself to my feet, remembering the rules of babies from when the twins were born, do not rush to them in response to a cry instead allow them to voice their frustrations while you organise the bottle or finish the job on which you were already working. I'm not sure how long I will be able to stick with that as the exhaustion headache throbs through me with each squeal that leaves her tiny mouth.

With a fresh bottle of milk from my supply that I expressed whilst she was away from me, along with a bottle of water for myself I head into my bedroom, the nursery door left ajar as I sigh, I was very clear in my decision that Eleanora would be going into her new room when she returned home, that we would be starting with clear bed and nap routines and that no matter what I wouldn't be a mother who battles against her strong willed child because I had giving it to much control when it was a baby.

Was I an absolute fool to think that when she came home I would want to be away from her after the last few months of her being in the hospital because that's not the feeling I'm getting right now, this feeling is screaming something different "Hey baby girl" I coo settling the bottles on the bedside table and reaching in to lift her from her snuggly bed, I place her against my chest my heart racing as I take in her scent locking each of these memories into my brain for future reference.

Right up until they gave me a definite date for me to finally bring her home I had just one cot, it was set up in her nursery, the room designed and brought to life by Hayden, plus a crib in my lounge for her daytime naps and then just a week ago a wave of sheer panic took over me and before I had it back under control a new bed and all the accessories had been ordered to be set up in my bedroom. That wave of panic didn't seem to want to go away either instead it just kept increasing and set itself on a roundabout not knowing which junction to get off at.

"Let's get you set up for the night shall we" I softly say as I head into her bathroom in the nursery to use the changing unit that has been set up with all of nappy changing essentials.