Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Emily

The look in Hero's green eyes clearly gave away his opinion on what I am doing, its obvious that he does not agree with my choice to stay away from our daughter, but he has no idea what it feels like to have gone through all this just to have her taken away from me anyway.

Of course, I understand that he wants to prove himself to be the greatest father, he feels the need to make up for the fact he wanted her little life terminated. I was relieved that he had changed his mind over the last few weeks and that finding out about her existence has made him finally man up to the results of our actions thirty weeks ago, but now what I don't get is his need to do all of these things right now when we don't know if she will live in the end, Why is he torturing himself with going down there, bonding with her and falling in love with her.

It all just seems like another heartache that is not worth having, I mean at least not for him anyway because after all this his life will just go back to how it was, he will go back to his life of fun and fame in America with his blonde bombshell.

For me, my heart is already in love with my daughter it has been since I saw her on the screen for the first time, before I even knew how Hero would feel about our mistake but now that the reality is yet another soul-destroying loss, I have no plans to make this anymore difficult on myself than it already is.

My home has a nursery nearly completed in it, boxes of now pointless stuff taking over the place while her presence in my life was already taking over long before this moment that I feared had arrived. My body will forever show the signs of her existence long after she has gone reminding me that she will always be the biggest heartbreak I will ever experience.

My only plan is to get myself well enough to leave this clinical place. I am sick of hospitals, all that ever happens when I come into these places is bad news, from Brandon's illness, finding out I was pregnant causing me to realise that the love of my life was not who I really thought he was creating this missing piece in my heart when it comes to my besotted love for him. Then I was here in this very hospital just a short walk away a few short weeks ago when I found out my baby was unlikely to survive even after all the stress, I had gone through to keep her, and now I am here my belly empty and my heart in a pile in my chest like a shattered window.

I am done with it all, the life I have been living and the future I had dreamed of now I need to find the new me to start a fresh and to do that I need to leave this world of constant heartbreak behind me firstly by getting free from this clinical prison.

My phone vibrates on the bed next to me, my brain grateful for the break over my incessant over thinking has me snatching it up quickly and unlocking the screen.

Brandon: hey girl how is everything going? Is HFT there yet?

Emily: Hey you, I'm ok and I believe the baby is too. H is with her now so I guess he will let me know when he comes back up here. Anyway, how are you?

I need to talk about something other than the baby, I need my mind to be taken off her, for a while at least.

Brandon: Her? You had a girl? What is her name? Come on girl give me details I have been sat desperately waiting to find out, send over some pics so I can see her.

Of course, he would be wanting all the details he has been on this journey with me he was as invested at the beginning as I was, he is the reason she is even here now causing all this drama. I let out a sigh knowing that I have no choice but to reply and tell him the truth after all he is my best friend, and he can read me like an open book.

Emily: I don't know her name and I haven't got any photos of her; you would be better off asking Hero. I have not seen her, and I don't plan too either.