Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Emily

"Emily, wait please?" I hear his voice calling out after me as I make it into what I hope will be the safety of my wardrobe.

I desperately try to find clothes to cover my body, my hands trembling as Hero's presence in the space is clear before I even bother to turn to confirm he is in fact behind me in the doorway, the air begins to evaporate from the room as my lungs begin to crush within my ribcage.

"Hero" I sniff trying to regain control of the tears that are tumbling down my cheeks "please just go" my body is rooted to the spot unable to move for fear that if I do, he will too, and my already weakened defence will come tumbling down around me.

"I can't do that Emily; we need to talk" I shake my head as my eyes move around the wardrobe trying to find some clothes to grab within reach of me as the realisation that I am still stood in just my knickers baring myself to him "I will wait in the bedroom for you to get dressed".

"Just leave" I bellow out to him "there is nothing else to say between us" I tell him finally finding my inner anger as I snap back "the time for talking has been over a long time Hero now leave".

I am met with silence and I breath out a sigh of relief in the hope that he is finally going as I hear his footsteps again.

"I'm not going Emme" a small squeak leaves me as I feel his hands on my bare shoulders "either we do this now or I will be staying here until you finally agree to talk to me about all of this".

All concern for my naked body goes flying out the window as I spin on my heels to face him, the sharp intake of breath from him doesn't escape me but I choose to ignore it because right now in this moment I don't care what he thinks of the changes of my body shape I just need him away from me "why do you want to talk? I'm taken, I'm not yours and I never will be" I scream at him "we made this decision" I start before correcting myself "No, actually you made this choice for the both of us, remember?"

I watch as he nods our bodies so close, we are nearly touching, and I can feel the heat from him burning into my naked skin "and you made this choice for us it seems" his hand reaches out into the small gap between us in an attempt to touch my small bump.

"No, I made this decision for me and my baby, this is nothing to do with you" I push his arm away from me "now get out" I feel a sense of relief as he sighs, nodding his head before I stand watching as he finally leaves the room.

The mixture of emotions from the last week raging through me as I drag a pair of leggings up my legs the waistband sitting perfectly over the top of my tiny baby, I grab a sports bra and a plain T-shirt, with no plans to leave the house today I do not need to be dressed in anything except my comfortable clothes.

I head out into the bedroom, the letter from Martha is sat on the bed with the blanket and teddy bear that was in the box with it. Disappointment races over me as I head over to it, I realise that I wanted Hero to still be here I wanted to tell him that I made a mistake and that I am sorry but as always, he is gone he took himself away from the situation as easily as he always does, I may have told him to leave again but why does he only ever listen to me when I am telling him to leave me.

I scoop up the items into my arms holding them close to me, I need to tell Martha what is happening but her excitement at having a grandchild has been so clear for everyone around her to see I don't want to destroy that I don't want to admit to anyone yet that my fucked up body is failing my own precious baby, that I am failing them all by not giving them this baby to love after everything we have been through to get to this point in the first place.

The door to the spare room is still open and I hesitate for a moment not wanting to see everything that I have already collected for the baby, the fear that each boxed item will remain that way has my chest racing as my heart breaks all over again. This baby was meant to be my forever link to Hero, my way of keeping my heart intact instead of it shattering thanks to our relationship breakdown but instead I must face the fact that I am going to be destroyed this summer as the final piece of my heart will be set on fire and vanish into a puff of smoke.