Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Freddie

The city that I have always known as home, the bright lights that never fade when everything you love is in the city with you has suddenly gone dark, no amount of street lights or lighting through the windows of the many giant buildings will ever make it feel bright again, for the first time in my nearly 21 years of life I don't feel at home I feel like a stranger wondering the streets of a new place searching for light, desperate for reasons of why I'm here missing a crucial part of myself.

Life will never exist the same after this, everything is torn apart now.

Our once unbreakable brotherhood is not only broken but shattered into tiny shards, our promises as young boys to remain as a brotherhood, to keep our friendship strong by never allowing anything to come between us, to always stay living in the city and if we couldn't be in the city we would always come back for birthdays and holidays will never be the same from this day forward.

It will never be the same because now we are a brother short, now we will always have that one empty seat at the table, a birthday that will always be celebrated but will never include the party boy at the head of the table, now we will be trying to keep ourselves together without the group peacemaker and something tells me this brotherhood is about to rip at the seams.

My feet stop at the bottom of the Fiennes Tiffin households steps, waiting with baited breath for my best mate to appear in the doorway, to come out and tell me that this was all just one big joke and that I am not stood here dressed in black about to go and meet the rest of the boys to discuss how we are going to commemorate our brothers life and his earlier than acceptable departure from this world, today we will raise our glass as a group a brotherhood and privately say goodbye to him without the watchful eyes of his family or our own.

The six feet two string bean appears solemnly out of the door, no words leave his mouth and instead with just a bob of his head he arrives at my side, and we silently move off along the bustling streets of our neighbourhood.

"H..." I start at the same time as he opens his mouth

"Fred...." A low laugh leaves us both "you go" he adds before moving his attention back onto the pathway ahead.

I have so much to say but no idea how to say it without offending anyone "Emily" I stutter her name out knowing this is one of the main ways to get his back up but needing this conversation to be over with sooner rather than later.

"Titan called her dad and he was going to tell her" he says in a low tone "I was going to go to her but after the way things ended at the weekend I just don't think it would have been a good idea, ya know" I nod my head not needing to say anything I do indeed know how hard it is for him to stay clear of Emily but he is right things are such a train wreck between them it wouldn't make sense to add fuel to an already burning wreckage.

We continue our walk-in silence the world around us being noisy whilst we don't utter a word. Instead, we drown it all out with our own private thoughts.

I have no doubt that Hero's are about Emme and his daughter because since he has been back from shooting the movie that is all he has had in his head, all that he can focus on even when he is pretending to be hanging with the guys.

My mind is whizzing with thoughts jumping from how the rest of the boys are coping, how Brandon's parents are feeling and what our next steps are going to be in the upcoming weeks.

The familiar clunk of the wooden doors to our regular chillout haunt alerts the boys to our arrival, all eyes fall on us as the bar staff offer us their sympathy "we are so sorry to hear the news, he will be very missed" the husband state as his wife lets out a sob next to him, she had always adored Brandon having watched him grow from little when he would pop in with his grandfather for a cheeky shandy after church on a Sunday before heading home for the family dinner.