Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Emily

"Emily, come on I really think you've had enough now" the irritating drone of Hayden's voice nagging at me yet again instantly getting my back up "lets get some sleep" he declares "it's Brandon funeral tomorrow so we need to hit the road early if we are going to pick Eleanora up before we leave."

The words that are leaving his mouth are yet again another reason why I am currently in this state, all I want is for him to stop talking "oh give it a rest will you Hayden, if I wanted to head to that god damn city to the funeral of my backstabbing ex best friend with the screaming mistake of that baby wrapped up like some reminder of Mr wonderful himself then I would have told you, but I haven't mentioned it have I?" I wait for his response, my irritation in him growing by the second as he gives a feeble shake of his head like a little mouse in response to my rant "well then leave it alone or I will leave here and we will be done, for good."

The shock on his face as I inform him of how simple it really will be for me to walk away from him and not look back is as clear as the moon is bright in the dark night sky "you don't mean that Em, your daughter needs you and I know that you have been through a lot in the last year, hell you have been through more than anyone does in a lifetime since you met that dickhead and I totally understand that you needed some downtime and I get that your Dad has been happy to look after her so you could get your head straight and maybe in some ways grieve for everything you have lost this year" oh dear god the patronising tone in his voice is back and clear to hear in his monologue.

I give my eyes a dramatic roll whilst releasing a huge sigh "get off the pity train for crying out loud I don't want to go and get my kid, and do you know why?" I don't give him chance to respond "because I'm over being a mother, I'm done with ruling my life around her and I have no plans to go and collect her from my father something I am pretty sure he is as aware of by now so are you so thank you for your input but its not required" the fallen sculptured jaw seems to be struggling to close as the whirling of his thoughts rushes through his eyes "so I will bid you a goodnight but I am happy here with this drink on my own" I wave the now emptying glass in his face, the ice clanging against the sides of the crystal tumbler prompting me to lean forward and grab the now three quarters empty bottle to give my vodka glass a refresh.

I watch on with a smug smirk as the back of his slumped shoulders disappear into the bedroom alone for yet another night.

I have been pushing him away for the last fortnight, each day removing more and more of our intimate connection as I acknowledge to myself that right now he is not what I want around me, shit he was never what I wanted to actually be around on this intimate level, I just needed him to fill the void within my life of the intimacy that I had only shared with Hero. A level of intimacy that I needed to prove I could have with anyone so then I could force the perfectness of Hero out of my memory.

All I wished for back then was to believe my own emotions that he is the devil, he will always be the bad guy who fucked my life up beyond recognition and then walked away like he did nothing, like he would always be the king of my world so it didn't matter if he caused me emotional damage because people who sit on their pedestals looking down on the rest of us never have to feel guilt as they always get forgiveness no matter what they do wrong to everyone else.

The vibration of my phone in front of me alerts me to yet another message from my dad, another message that will remain unread until the moment I build the courage to tell him that I am putting Eleanora up for adoption.

A family out there wants a baby and will make her life a better one than I want to, I mean I could give her the world supply her with all the luxuries in life but the fact is I don't want to give her my world, I don't want to look into those perfect green pools of innocence and grow more hateful of her with every day that passes and nothing will ever convince me to see anything except her father and the pure love that he holds for his princess in his heart that he never managed to have for me, the girl he claimed would always be his queen.