Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Hero

Black, that is the theme of today.

Outfits, mood, weather, everything is black, dark, and damp.

My mood is black even though I have my daughter here cradled in my arms looking back at me, her cute little outfit finished off with the the biggest bow I have ever seen wrapped around her head all in black curtesy of my little sister, the ever-doting auntie.

My baby should not be owning a funeral outfit at such a tiny age. My chest muscle is clamping round my heart at the vision of her innocence sporting such a serious dark outfit while her pretty smile shows no sadness just happiness to be with me in this moment.

My mood has been a mixture of highs and lows ever since I received the news that Brandon had left us. I needed to grieve for the loss of one of our own but then the call arrived that my baby girl needed me, and my grief was dismissed, and my full focus needed to be on her which meant anything that wasn't her was no where close to coming on my radar, until now on this day of darkness.

The reality of my rollercoaster of emotions right now as I battle between sadness, confusion, joy and being on cloud nine is exhausting and I have no idea how to manage any of it. Luckily for me I have my family for support, well all of them except Titan who has been holed up in his room or at Brandon's flat up until yesterday when he finally came down and although he graced us with his presence, he had refused to spend time with anyone except my beautiful daughter. The image of him cradling her as he just kept repeating the same words to her "your uncle B loved you from the moment he knew about you" will forever be etched in my mind even though each time he said it I felt like he was stabbing me in the chest, reminding me that without B she wouldn't be here now and I wouldn't be sat listening to these declarations of love whilst finally feeling what its like to love unconditionally and whole heartedly myself.

The door chimes and I strain my hearing to find out who it is when my mum quietly clicks the door closed but remains in the hall talking in hushed tones "Ian we can't do this to him now" the rise in her whisper doesn't miss me and I'm on my feet Eleanora's back held close to my chest as her bottom rests on my hand her little legs instantly kicking as her eyes fall onto her grandad stood looking exhausted in my mum's entrance hall "Hero darling" my mum tries to talk me down giving away the whole intention of this visit, he is here because of his daughter and whatever he is about to say isn't something I want to hear.

"Hi son" his voice is broken, his eyes damp "Em...." I don't give him chance to finish, instead I raise my hand to him asking silently for a second.

"Mum" I utter handing her the baby "I can't do this in front of her, whatever he is about to say it shouldn't happen in front of Eleanora" I tell her "Let's go into the kitchen" I step aside letting him lead the way so that I can grab this moment to brace myself for whats about to happen.

The collection of people who have gathered in the kitchen vacate the room leaving us with the privacy that's needed "Hero son, I have news and I'm not sure where to start if I'm honest" the exhausted frame of the man I have only ever known to be immaculate and perfectly put together slumps down on a chair, his elbows on the dining table his head buried into his hands tugging gently on mess of dark hair that is now littered with grey as he obviously tries to gather the right words to do this.

I drop down into the chair opposite him "Ian, just start from the beginning and take it as slowly as you need" the look on his face as he raises his head, our eyes meeting sends a chill down my spine.

"Emily made contact last night, she saw the photo on Ti's social media and she lost it" he sighs deflated "she demanded I come and get the baby" fear rushes through me, I can't handle her being taken away again "she is saying so much crazy stuff Hero" the first tears escape his eyes as he chokes on the next words that leave his mouth "she said she will not sign her over to you and that she is putting her up for adoption"