Only Us (Justin Fields)

|10| Just Maybe

Jillian

I'm not from around here. Not anywhere close near here to be honest. I grew up in Florida surrounded by people who do not believe in mental health or basic human rights. Where not everyone is awful but it's enough people to make trying to grow there unbearable. It's like thinking for yourself is frowned upon and you're expected to think and act like everyone else, never wondering what it all truly means. Who make decisions for others without ever asking the people whose lives it actually affects. You're caught in between "you shouldn't care about what happens to others" but at the same time "we get to say when and if it happens to others". It's exhausting really. Trying to find your place in a society where no one truly belongs. Where you don't want to belong but can't afford not to.

Coming to Ohio State was a totally random decision. When athletics aren't involved choosing a university is a little harder because many schools offer what you're looking for. I could have gone to any school really but for some reason I decided on the great state of Ohio. They offered plenty of scholarships and a one way ticket out of the hell hole I was forced into. I didn't have to see any of the foster families I had, I didn't have to be so worried about what people said about me. I could start all over.

But I didn't.

It was the same things in a different place. Selfish people. Naive people. Mean people stupid people. I never knew that what was happening down south is happening everywhere. What does it truly mean to care for others? And how will I ever learn to care for myself? In my search to figure out what my purpose in all of this was I hit a wall. On the other side is what I believed the world to be but I was trapped on the side of reality. Of manipulative and conniving people who want nothing to do with you unless you can do something for them. It feels like my whole life people have just used me. For a paycheck, as an escape goat, the black sheep, a crutch. I don't think I've ever known a relationship where on both sides we wanted to be there.

And then there was Justin who for whatever reason has been the greatest thing I've ever known in my life. Sure it's just 20 years, but I've been in a lot of families. Come to know a lot of different people. I can confidently say that there never had been one like him. Never will be either.

But I find it hard to let my guard down. That wall to keep me in was keeping him out too. I'm supposed to think that people like him exist simply because I want them to? That's exactly how I ended up in situations like this in the first place. After all these years I am supposed to believe that I found a person who might actually understand me? Who cares?

"You should ask him out" Leeanne says as my eyes get big. I find myself back in my favorite bistro talking to one of the few people in my phone that I can even start to consider a friend.

"Did you hit your head or something" I ask as she laughs.

"No. Though I guess it was delusional of me to ask something of you if it was for yourself or could make you happy" she teases.

"I don't want to be in that kind of relationship" I try.

"Oh really? I find that hard to believe. Everyone wants someone" she scoffs.

"I just... I don't know how I could possibly make him happy. The thought of me being with him and him not being happy makes me sick. How would I know if I could put a smile on his face? It's not like I'm afraid of letting myself down, I'm to the point where any achievement no matter how small is good enough for me. That won't be enough to make someone else happy. I feel no pressure to be more than I am right now. But to let someone else down is a weight I cannot bear.

My whole life I was told that I was a burden. A mistake. Then he comes around and says that I'm like a flower. That he wants me here and to watch me grow. But that isn't a reason good enough to risk everything I was able to build with him on feelings I do not comprehend. I don't even know how to react to the way he treats me" I defend.

"You react by asking him out" she tries.

"Even if I did like him, even if he liked me. I can't fathom a happily ever after where he stays with me. The one class we have together he always sits next to me. He has his teammates and friends in there but no matter where I sit he sits beside me. I can feel people staring. I can feel how much they hate that he follows me. They sit there trying to figure out why he is even with me. How someone like him ended up trailing someone like me. I can't figure it out either" I confess.

"Maybe... just maybe... you're not as bad as a person that you think you are. And maybe he doesn't care about your past. You came here to start over but you're still letting your past run you. If you're not careful it could end you" she warns.

She didn't even know the half of it.

"He is not something I'm willing to risk losing. I've been searching my whole life for a reason to wake up in the morning. Slowly he is showing me these things that makes waking up less insufferable. And I can't give it all away for feelings I do not understand. Any way I can I want to see the world in the way he sees it. Through the eyes of someone who is happy to be here" I explain.

"I can tell you've been hurt. That you don't want to be hurt again. But just as you won't get hurt if you don't take the risk you'll never know what is out there either" she reminds me.

I set down my coffee as a sigh passes my lips. Starting to think the real reason I don't have friends is because they'll tell me the resort of these situations and I hated it.

"I'll bring him back here again soon" I say changing the subject.

"I look forward to it" she nods.

I pay my tab and walk back to my apartment. I get to the front and see Justin standing outside ringing the buzzer.

"Justin" I ask.

"Oh! There you are" he cheers as he walks over to me.

"What are you doing here" I wonder.

"I was on my way to practice. Just wanted to say hi" he smiles. He's like a puppy.

"Hi" I laugh.

"Are you having a good day" he asks.

"I am. And you" I question.

"Good now that I can see you" he claims.

My face catches fire as I advert my eyes. "I was at the bistro. Ann was asking about you" I confess.

"Oh? And what did she say" he quizzed.

"A bunch of silly things. Stuff I couldn't even dream of" I admit.

"There's nothing wrong with dreaming" he reminds me.

"Yeah, I'm starting to see that" I agree.