Only Us (Justin Fields)

|29| A Really Cruel Thing

Justin

Finals week was always the hardest one. Especially going into summer break. It's important to study but it's also important to rest and eat good and take care of yourself. You learn the hard way that all nighters can be just as hurtful as it is helpful.

So my friend group decided to make breakout pairs and I end up with Jackson who was on the baseball team. He was pretty cool and a really good friend of mine. We also had similar majors so it made sense to pair up.

We find a quiet corner of the library and get to working. After about a hour and a half we take a brain break and step outside so we can talk at a normal volume and not be shunned. We had beautiful weather here and I was kinda going to miss it. Georgia gets real hot and this was perfect. Could be football weather.

"So what's your plans for the summer" Jack wonders.

"Nothing too crazy. I have to be back by the end of July for practices so it's not that long. I'll hang out with my family and maybe read a few books. I actually have a friend coming to stay with me so I'll figure out something to do with them" I say trying not to give away too much. I didn't need people spreading rumors or giving her a hard time.

"Is it Jillian" he asks and I freeze. I thought I had been pretty good about keeping her to myself. I know what being around me must be like for her so for her sake I try not to bring attention to her. But now I'm thinking I wasn't as careful as I thought I was.

"How did you figure it out" I question.

He starts to chuckle, then his chuckle turns into a laugh. He was being pretty loud for someone who is supposed to be keeping it down being right outside a library. "You're not serious right" he bellows.

"I'm dead serious" I insist.

"It's always her. I mean no one had seen this girl around campus her entire first year then all of the sudden people see her around with you. And you literally have a picture of you both as your home screen on your phone. It doesn't take a defective to see what's going on here" he smirks.

"And what's that" I ask carefully. Cause I'm sure I won't like the answer.

"You like her" he accuses.

"I don't like her like that" I try.

"Yes, you do" he challenges.

"How are you gonna tell me how I feel" I scoff.

"Because you refuse to see it! God you're so focused on football and school that you don't even realize what you look like when you start to talk about her. How your eyes light up at the mention of her name. Even when you just think of her it's as obvious as ever. I can't remember the last time you failed to bring her up. She's the only one you make an effort to go see. And even if your role in this relationship is a protector, a peace keeper, that doesn't mean you can't have feelings for her too. The closer you get to her the farther you stray from friendship. One day you're going to turn around and she'll be right there and you spent all this time denying your feelings you won't know what to do with them" he claims.

"She's not the kind of girl that wants to be in a relationship" I try.

"That has nothing to do with the way you feel" he reminds me.

"I guess you're right" I sigh. "I just... I can't imagine her ever finding the courage to recognize her feelings or acting on them. If they're even there. It feels like we play this game that no one can ever win."

"Maybe. But it can't hurt much more that liking her and not doing anything about it. You obviously care for her. Teaching her to drive, the study sessions, helping her when she was sick. You love to be with her but you can't confess to your feelings? Living a lie almost. Who are you saving" he asks.

"Myself. Because I know she couldn't ever possibly feel the same for me" I sigh.

"You don't know that. I'm sure a lot of what she has done she didn't think she could do. And she did it because of you. For you. You truly don't think there's feelings involved there" he accuses.

"I don't know what to think. I just... want her to be happy. To smile. To keep fighting every day and for it to all be worth it. I don't want her to feel like my intentions are anything but pure. Because regardless of how I feel about her I want her to feel like she belongs in this world, that she has a purpose" I shrug.

Silence falls over us as he narrows his eyes. "You're right. You don't like her" he says and my eyes go big. For some reason that made me unbearably angry. "You love this girl."

Just like that my heart stops. I shake my head of all the thoughts that come flooding in. "You're insane" I accuse.

"Really? Because if that isn't true it's a really cruel thing to feel the way you feel and not love her" he accuses.

I sit for a moment as his words sink in. Like sea water on a tanning college student at the beach on spring break. Because as much as I wanted to argue I couldn't. She's like a drug to me. I need her to carry on. It's like I cannot live without her. Even though she leans on me heavily I would drift away without that weight she provides. Cursed to spend my days in an endless darkness, no light to guide me and no weight to hold me down. She keeps me grounded, reminds me what I'm fighting for. And if I ever lost that...

"I'm gonna call this study session early today. I think I need to clear my head" I say softly.

"Justin I didn't mean to upset you" he tries.

"You did nothing wrong" I smile. "Just never took the time to think about my feelings. More like I was avoiding it because I think deep down I always knew. From the moment I met her really. And the more I think about it..." I trail off.

"It's okay. I'm sure you're still trying to figure it all out. I'm here if you want to talk" he says as he sets his hand on my shoulder.

"Thank you" I whisper.

I leave the study area and head back to my apartment. What usually took ten minutes took nearly 30. All the thoughts in my head swirl around as I try to organize them. Only they kept piling up like laundry in a freshman dorm room.

If she asked me to move a mountain I would push until my arms gave out. If she was across an ocean I would swim it just to see her again. Somewhere between the classroom and here I created something that might only be able to be described is as love, and I'm not sure I will ever be able to show it. That's what scared me most. She didn't have to love me back but for me not to be able to show that love... it'll be hard. But for the time being I need to keep it to myself. Then maybe someday in the future I can tell her.