Only Us (Justin Fields)

|8| Now You See

Justin

With winter workouts well underway I notice my free time starts to fleet. It was pretty much in the gym and in class then home and repeat. This is the life I chose so I can't complain. But there are still aspects of this life I want to experience despite the pressure and expectations put on me. I know what I walked into with this school. OSU is one of the biggest and most successful football programs in the history of college football. I'm stepping into an impossibly large pair of shoes. A lot is expected of me and I not only plan to meet those expectations but to exceed them.

But I'm still human. And my heart still aches for that of which I cannot provide for myself.

"Where are we goin" I ask Jillian as I trial behind her like a puppy. She was quite the fast walker, I guess that comes with decades experience of walking alone not worrying about someone else falling behind.

"I don't know" she claims as I raise my eyebrow.

"What do you mean you don't know" I challenge as I finally catch up to her.

"I'm just walking. If life is about the journey and not the destination, then why does it matter where we go" she questions.

It was about 1 am and this was the only time I could hang out with Jill for a little while due to school and workouts. But I wanted to be here. More than anything I wanted to see her even if it's just a few moments. To be near her. From what I've been able to piece together she doesn't sleep much anyway. So I do what any sane person in my situation does and I show up at her place and call her phone until she comes down. Now it was my karma to be going somewhere in the middle of the night yet nowhere at all.

"Wait a second" I say as I grab her hand. She stops walking before turning to me.

"What's up" she wonders.

"Are you... are you okay" I ask her.

"What do you mean" she questions.

"I haven't been able to see you for a few days. I was worried about you" I confess.

She just smiles as she turns to me. "I really appreciate that Justin. I'm not sure anyone who has cared for me in the way you do. And I don't understand why either. But that's okay because just like the journey of life, we don't need to know what these feelings mean as long as we have them" she insists.

"You didn't answer my question" I remind her.

"I'm doing fine. I have been taking care of myself because you need me to be okay. And I will be" she promises.

"I don't want you to get better for me. You should want to be better for yourself" I defend.

"I'm not there yet. I'm working on it, slowly healing all the wounds I let bleed for too long. Learning to love myself one day at a time. But until I am better I cannot be better. You are the driving force in my life. For now this will have to do" she insists.

"Alright" I sigh as I let her hand go.

"So what have you been doing lately" she wonders as we start to walk at a slower pace. Not in a specific direction, just walking.

"A lot of training. Hitting the weights, redesigning my body, my mind. Football is a difficult sport both mentally and physically. It will take some time to keep molding myself into the athlete I want to be but we're making some progress" I shrug.

"So why are you out here at 1 am with me if everything is fine" she asks.

"Well... I missed you. And I felt bad because I didn't want you to think I forgot about you. I would never forget about you. Football and training and school is important to me, but so are you. There's a lot of things I hold dear to me and I want to hold on to all of them for as long as possible" I confess.

"You're not going to have everything you want in this life. Eventually you will have to choose" she reminds me.

"I know that. As much as I go around like I can do anything I put my mind to, I'm aware of my limitations. And I know I will have to make hard decisions one day. But that's a destination, I'm still trying to enjoy the ride as much as I can" I say.

"What do you want from this life" she asks me. 

"Everything" I say as she giggles. "Don't laugh at me" I pout.

"I'm sorry. It's just crazy that a man who wants everything and a woman who wants nothing can be found roaming around campus together at 1 am" she shakes her head.

"Maybe that's what makes us so good together" I try.

"You think we're good together" she wonders.

"I do. And I really enjoy being around you. Learning from you. I can't find what I found in you anywhere else" I explain.

"What if that's a good thing" she challenged.

"I know it's not. There's no way I feel the way I do... and it not be a good thing" I defend.

She just stares at me as I stand there. It was freezing but I couldn't feel cold when she's around. She made me feel warm inside. I can't even explain it.

"Close your eyes" she says.

"Excuse me" I ask.

"Close your eyes" she repeats.

I hesitate but eventually I do as I'm told. A deep breath passes my lips, even with my eyes closed I know that breath hung around for a little while longer.

"What do you see" she asks.

"What do I see? My eyes are closed I don't see anything" I insist.

"No. Not with your eyes" she says.

"How do I see without my eyes" I try.

All of the sudden I feel a hand on my chest. As soon as her hand touches me I immediately knew what she meant. "Not all who have sight can see. Even if your eyes are open, looking is only part of seeing. You feel my hand on your chest and therefore you can see it there. Eyes are not what is used to see but touch, feeling, that's how you will see. The blind can often see better than those who aren't. They're forced to feel, to envision life as what it should be. If they could see what it really was they would never be able to do that. Seeing is when you can truly understand what is, or what could be. Many people possess sight but are in fact blind" she explains.

I open my eyes as I turn to her. She just stood there staring at me, like she didn't just say some of the most insane things I've ever heard.

"What do you see when you close your eyes" I wonder.

"A opportunity" she claims.

"To do what" I wonder.

"To live" she says.

I decide to close my eyes again but this time I decide to open myself up. To see not see with my eyes but with my mind.

"I see... me playing football. But not as some player, as a staple. My family is there and they know that I wouldn't be there without them. My teammates are there as equals. And you... you're there too" I smile.

The next second I feel something on my face and I open my eyes. Jillian had her hand on my cheek as she held me close. Her fingers open up as I lean into her touch. It was like my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

"Now you see" is all she says.