Only Us (Justin Fields)

|49| In The Way

Justin

With us being on literal lock down and the Covid cases spreading like no one could have predicted I've become accustomed to a domestic life. Never since I was a baby have I had this much free time. And as it turns out there was a lot of things I wanted to try but never had the chance to, now I do.

Today I decided I wanted to paint. What am I painting? No clue. But Michaels had it so you can buy everything you would need and someone would leave it someplace for you to pick it up and we didn't even have to be around people. So I pick up the supplies and Jill picks up some vegan pizza from the store. We spend the evening listening to music and painting the night away.

"What are you painting" I wonder.

"Flowers" she says. Not surprised in the least. "What about you?"

"I'm not sure" I confess. I haven't even outlined anything.

"That's the best part of painting. There's no wrong answers. Everything is art, and art is in everything" she claims.

"Who knew you were such an artist" I tease.

"It's one of the few things you can do on your own and the reward be pretty satisfying. Even if you don't like it you can get a blank canvas, start all over again" she explains.

"Like in life" I try.

She pauses for a moment before she looks up and smiles at me. That look right there.. that is the only thing keeping me going in times like this.

Jillian returns to painting and I think about what I want to paint. It can be anything, but I think that's what makes it so hard. How do I choose?

Eventually I settle on trying to make a spiderman painting because he's cool and we watched that the other day. As time passes I find I actually enjoy this.

"This is actually really fun" I admit.

"Have you ever painted before" she asks.

"Never. I've always wanted to learn how to draw, how to paint. But there was never enough time, never enough resources. Life just... got in the way" I shrug.

"Life can't get in the way... life is the way. I never understood that saying. Of how the exact thing you're trying to enjoy being in the way? People like to use that as an excuse. I didn't tell her how I felt cause life got in the way. I never got around to reconnecting with old friends because life got in the way. Never accomplished my dream cause life got in the way...

But isn't the whole point of all of this to make a good life? If it's a part of your life how could it be in the way" she asks me.

I just smile as I set my paintbrush down. "Do you ever get tired of being right" I ask her.

"Right and wrong is a matter of perspective" she claims.

"Yes. And from where I stand, or wherever you move me, you're always right" I assure her.

After about five hours of painting we decide to call it quits. It was getting late and we still had zoom classes to worry about. I finally come around to her side of the canvas. I was expecting her to be good, but not brilliant. This looked like it could be in an art museum. It was a beautiful array of red and white flowers in a field. Almost looked like a picture. If we didn't sit here for hours I would have never believed she did it. But I know she did.

"Lilly this is incredible" I gasp.

"It's nothing" she tried.

"Don't sell yourself short. This is an amazing piece of art. One worthy to be admired by millions" I insist.

"You think too highly of me" she blushed.

"I think the world of you. Even if you sucked at painting it wouldn't change the way I feel. But this... this is amazing" I confess.

It didn't take me being locked up with her to know that I love her. For before the words Covid was even uttered on American soil my heart was hers. I've known for what feels like a lifetime. Even if my brain didn't recognize it my heart had. And I no longer deny myself that feeling. Is living together made me realize how impossible it was to deny it. It was torture holding it in, calling it by a different name knowing all this time exactly what it is. Afraid of what love would do to me, never realizing what it does for me.

I couldn't tell you the exact moment I fell, but I could give you a million reasons why I did. I never meant to fall but that's why it's called falling I guess. Somewhere between the flowers and the football field I realized what she means to me. Turns out, it's everything. I thought I wanted to protect her, to shelter her from the world she knew. Originally my role in her life was to stop bad things from happening knowing that I could never save her from her past. Once I realized this wasn't protection all I wanted to do is show her love, and show that she is worth being loved. Now I have the best example of that, and I couldn't even tell her.

Now that she's around all the time it feels impossible to hide my feelings. I want nothing more than to hold her close. To kiss her lips. Promise her the whole world, even though she wants nothing to do with it. I never thought a guy like me could be so infatuated with someone so different. Who sees the world so opposite than me. But our differences are some of my favorite things about her.

"Can I keep this" I ask making her gasp.

"You can't be serious" she tries.

"If you want to keep it you can" I insist.

"No no. You can take it, but I can't say I understand why? What will you do with it" she asks.

"Put it in my room of course. And years from now when I think back of this ugly times I can remember that beauty can come from anywhere. As long as you create it" I smile.

She bites her lip as she looks at the ground. After all this time she still gets shy with me.

"Okay" she says softly.

I let it dry as we clean up our mess. There was paint everywhere and lots of it left over. Which means we can do this again and I look forward to it.

She heads to her room to turn in for the night and I bring the painting into my room. I had the perfect place over my bed for this painting. Flowers might not be the manliest thing for my room, but it was special. Flowers were kind of our thing and these were hand painted by her. Even better.