Only Us (Justin Fields)

|3| Stopping Time

Justin

I don't think I've ever had a real understanding about the concept of time. It's something that is always there but you never really think about. And I'm not talking about waiting for class to be over or the hours of the day. I'm talking beginning and end. Where time starts and when it stops.

But lately I've been thinking about it a lot. In fact I can't get my mind off the concept of time. The worth it has, the power it has. What it does to me and what it can do for me. We spend so much of our lives worried about time we have lost or wasted not realizing the time we have now shouldn't be spent thinking about what was nor what can be. Being present can be so important, I forgot that for a while. Now I'm trying to find my way back.

I return to the first classroom I ever walked into on this here campus. It was an accident but at the same time... I think I ended up right where I was supposed to be. Something was telling me to come back here. That I missed something and in order for all these questions I was having to be answered I needed to come back to where the questions all started. I sit in the desk I was at the first time and just look out the sliding doors to the balcony. My heart rate picks up as my memories come back. I remember seeing a stunning woman sitting on the railing. Her long black curly hair flowing in the wind. The purple coat she had on and the white gloves that had just let go of the railing. She had sat out there for god knows how long. Going back and forth between life and death. When her time started and when she wanted it to come to an end. How she was going to stop the clock. I don't know what I would have done if I came in a second later and she was already gone. Or if I couldn't reach her and my words fell flat. Time is the only thing in this life that you could have an abundance of, but it would never lose its value. Because it doesn't take much for it to run out.

Suddenly the door to the room opens and someone walks in. As fate would have it Jillian stood there just as surprised as I was.

"It's you" she whispers.

"I'm sorry. Do you have class now" I ask getting up.

"No. This room hasn't been in use all semester" she confesses.

"Oh. So what brings you here" I wonder.

"I'm not here to kill myself if that's what you're asking" she says.

"I know you're not. I can see it in your eyes, your intentions. But if you don't have class here why do you come" I question.

"I don't really know. I usually come here when I need a break from life. No one uses it so it was secluded, away from the worries. Sometimes I stand at the front of the class and wonder what it's like to teach. To be able to reach people, not feel like a burden but as someone who somebody needs. Usually I find a desk and get some work done. Sit in the silence and try to waste some time.

But lately, lately I've been sitting in that desk only to watch the clock" she says pointing to the wall across from the balcony. There was one of those old clocks that every school has. I'm sure we've seen dozens of this same exact clock. It wasn't anything special I swear.

"Why the clock" I wonder.

"There's this Harvey Mackay quote. He said, "Time is free but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you lost it you'll never have it back." I think watching the clock calms me. The ticks remind me to keep moving forward. They never move back, never stay in the same place for too long. The time given to me is free, that much is true, but you can't put a price on it. You cannot control time but you can use it wisely. It isn't meant to be ours, but we spend it like it is. And at the end of the day... the day has to end. You'll never have that time again. That's what makes it so precious" she explains.

"And you were willing to give away something so precious for nothing in return" I ask.

"I was. More than ready. Because all this time I've had on this earth had been awful. What's the point of having so much of something you did not want to have? There are very few things I can look back at fondly or look forward to as well. And I couldn't afford to continue wasting time feeling the way that I felt like I have for 20 years of my life already. I've watched so many seconds pass me by, but I had next to nothing to show for it. So instead of being forced to watch time pass me by I decided to do what few people could, I was going to stop it. There's only one way to stop time you know? For the second hand to release its grip on your life" she says.

"I guess your right" I sigh.

"But I'm still here. I can still sit here and watch the clock" she states with a sad smile.

She had beautiful hazel eyes and smooth brown skin. Passing by you would think she was a model or a one of those popular girls. Everything about her presence gave off a vibe of kindness and health. She smiled, she laughed and she presented herself in a professional manner. I couldn't quite figure out what pushed her to the edge like that. If she knows how precious time is then why... why would she do that?

"You mind if I sit" she asks pointing to the desk next to me.

"Not at all. Do you have anywhere to be anytime soon" I wonder.

"To be honest I don't have any plans right now. Kind of just figuring it out as I go" she shrugs.

"Well I like the company. Thanks" I smile.

"Of course" she nods.

She sits down next to me before pulling out some books. I obviously didn't have anything to do since I didn't have classes yet. I peak over at her textbook and see stuff from her psychology class. I remember her saying that was a big part of her education but I'm not sure that is what she wants to do. I'm not sure she knows what she wants.

"Can I ask you something" I wonder.

"I won't stop you" she assures me.

"Were you scared, sitting up there, waiting for your clock to stop ticking" I ask her.

"I was terrified. But I was more scared of living than dying. In death that's the end, I don't have to worry about my heart keeping in time with a clock. Since I'm still here I have to keep moving forward, just like a second hand. Even if I get stuck in one place for a while like the minute hand, or even the hour hand, I'll keep going" she explains.