Only Us (Justin Fields)

|25| A Wish

Justin

It's been two days since Jillian has been in the hospital. I've gone to class and practice but that's about it. I've contacted her professors and let them know what's happening. Asked for any worksheets or projects but none of them seemed concerned about her academics. She could afford to miss a lot of classes and keep a perfect GPA. They were however concerned for her wellbeing. She might not see it but people truly do care for her. In her mind she has pushed them away, but I think that's what she tells herself so she doesn't end up caring about them too. They want her to be okay, they enjoy having her in class. As much as I hate to admit it even that guy from the class we shared together was asking where she was. My friends from my study group are worried about her too. There were plenty of people around here who need her healthy.

She hasn't even realized it, but she was in peoples lives whether she wanted to be or not.

It was about 6 pm on this warm Friday afternoon as I sit next to her bed doing some homework. She's been in and out the past few days and it hasn't been pretty. This morning her fever finally broke and she stopped shaking so violently. She would still probably be here for a few more days but that's okay. As long as she gets better.

I look down at the cross necklace that lays over my chest and let out a long sigh. She doesn't believe in God, but I pray for her every day. That she is safe, that she is treated with kindness and that she is happy. Because even if she doesn't believe, I do, and if I'm right I want to do what I can. She shouldn't be punished for not believing. In my heart of hearts I know no one should be punished for their lack of faith because there is a good enough reason. Any reason is a good enough reason.

All of the sudden she starts to cough and I jump up out of my seat. I grab the water they had set aside for her and hand it to her. She takes a few sips to calm her coughs but her throat was still pretty raw so drinking didn't feel the best.

"It's okay, take it slow" I insist. I rub her back as the coughs slow down.

"Thank you" she whispers. Her voice still pretty hoarse but better than it had been.

"How are you feeling" I ask.

"A little better. My heads a little more clear now" she admits.

"Good. I'm gonna go get the nurse" I try as I stand up.

"Wait" she begs as she grabs my wrist. I stop and turn back to her. "Have you been here the whole time?"

"Well I've been to class and to practice but that's about it. Otherwise I was here" I confess.

"Justin" she sighs.

"I promised I wasn't going to leave you. You might not remember that but I couldn't forget. And now that I'm here you will never have to be lonely again, okay" I ask.

"Okay" she says with a sad smile.

I grab the nurse and they run some more tests. Her spleen was almost back to normal and they were still working on her nodes. But if she continues on this path she will be out in a few days time.

Before I go back to her room I run to the convenience store next door. I pick up a cupcake and a pack of candles because they never sell just one. I sneak into her room with the stuff and take the seat next to her.

"What did you do" she accuses.

"What do you mean" I ask.

"You have that look on your face. You're scheming" she accuses.

"Well I'm pretty sure we can't have open flames in a hospital but someone in this room turned 21 the other day and we didn't get to celebrate. So I figured one candle wouldn't kill us" I explain pulling everything out of the bag and placing it on her bed.

"How did you know" she gasps.

"The lady at urgent care figured it out. She pulled up your file and noticed it was your 21st birthday" I explain.

"Oh" she sighs. "Are you mad at me" she questions.

"Why would I be mad" I challenge.

"Because I didn't tell you it was my birthday" she claims.

"I'm sure you have your reasons" I say sticking the candle in the cupcake.

"I do" she admits. "But I'm afraid they're nothing good."

"That's okay. We can still celebrate you now" I smile. I light the candle as she sighs.

"I don't want to wish for anything" she starts.

"It's okay to want things. To wish for something is not a sin. Even if you don't get it there's nothing wrong with wishing" I assure her.

"I don't want to wish for something because what I want isn't something I can't control" she explains.

"That's okay too. That's why it's a wish" I say holding up the cupcake.

She closes her eyes and pauses for a second before blowing out the candle. I take the candle out and try to give her the cupcake but she just laughs.

"Justin I couldn't possibly eat that" she giggles.

"Oh, right" I chuckle. Didn't really think that through.

"But thank you. I've never really done anything for my birthday. And I guess almost dying is pretty on par for me, this was really nice" she admits.

"Of course. Anything for you" I smile.

We sit there for a while before she tries to convince me to leave. After telling her for the 20th time I wasn't going anywhere she gives up.

"The nurse at urgent care said you had been there once before. From the way that you made it seem when we were at your apartment it felt like you would rather die than be there, so I figured you have never been. Have you been sick like this before" I wonder. It had to have been bad to get someone like her to come here.

She just silently shakes her head and I knew this was one of those things I couldn't press. She finally feels well enough to be conscious and I don't want to drain her. If or when she is ready, I will be here to listen.

It falls silent as neither of us knew what to say. I didn't want to say the wrong thing so I stay quiet.

"I tried to kill myself once before the day you found me" she says and I freeze. I stare at her as she just it's there, not moving a muscle. "That's how I ended up in urgent care. I failed, obviously. And I did a good enough job of lying to them to keep them off my case. But yeah, that's why I was there the first time."

I don't say anything as I stand up from the chair. I go to where she was sitting before softly wrapping my arms around her. Pulling her into my chest as tight as I could without hurting her. She was so frail I was afraid I was going to crush her. I remember the last time she was in my arms when she was shaking so bad. This time was different. She was much more still and a little cooler. Eventually her arms wrap around me too as she buried her face in my shoulder.

"I'm sorry" I whisper.

"It's okay. You know why" she asks.

"Why" I wonder.

"Because I wished for something I already have. This way I know I'll have it no matter what. And that's for you to be by my side" she claims.