Only Us (Justin Fields)

|31| Or Run From It

Jillian

Since I haven't seen many of the classic movies growing up Justin was on this kick to getting me to see the ones that just about everyone else has seen. He calls it "making me cultured". So Justin goes through Freeform's movie options as we hang out with his mom looking for a movie to end the night with. It was pretty late but I assure him I could last one more.

"How about the Lion King, that was your favorite as a kid" his mom says to Justin.

"I don't know if she can handle that one" he claims.

"Why not" I pout.

"Let's just say it's not exactly the happiest of movies" he tries.

"But if it was your favorite, I want to see it" I insist.

Him and his mom both smile at me making my face get warm. I think I might have laid it out a bit too heavy there.

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you" he insists.

His mom lasted 20 minutes before falling asleep on the recliner. She wakes up a little while later to go to bed and Justin and I decide to finish the movie before following in her footsteps.

As much as I hate to admit it he was right, it was pretty sad. But I don't have a father figure or any of those strong feelings about my parents so Mufasa dying and Simba leaving his mom didn't hit me as hard as it would most people. Don't get me wrong, it was pretty upsetting. And I know how Simba felt when he was alone, isolated. Trying to figure out his place in this world whether it be as a king or the world's first lion herbivore. It seemed like no matter what he did it was useless because he couldn't bring his father back and he would never be anything other than a lion. And he felt the need to carry the weight of his father's death even though it truly wasn't his fault. I understood him to a certain extent. But it wasn't until later on did I realize why this movie was known as one of the best Disney movies.

I'm not going to lie the monkey was my favorite character. He wasn't there a lot but he had a purpose. Bringing Simba to the water to see his dad even though it was him the whole time. I feel like that's something that even if I did watch it as a kid I probably wouldn't have totally understood what he was trying to say. But it was nice to see Simba's character growth and to see him resolve the issues he had been running from.

Then the monkey said something I will not soon forget. After he hits Simba in the head and he asked what the reason for being hit was he said "it doesn't matter, it's in the past." When Simba replies with "yeah but it still hurts" Rafiki drops a line I can't get out of my head. He said "oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either run from it... or learn from it." Then he tries to hit him again and Simba dodges it because he learned. I felt like that whole scene was way deeper than it should be in a Disney movie.

We finish up the movie and I help Justin fold up the blankets and clean up. I can feel his eyes on me the whole time.

"Why are you so quiet" he asks.

"I'm always quiet" I defend.

"Not silent though. And I can see in your face you have a million questions" he accuses.

"I don't even know where to start" I scoff.

"Try me" he insist.

"Okay. Hakuna Matata. You're supposed to say that and all the worries will melt away right" I ask.

"Correct" he assures me. 

"How can you say a phrase and everything be okay" I question.

"It's not so much that things were actually going to be okay as it is believing that it would be. If you believe that everything will work out then in the end no matter what happens it doesn't even matter. There's simply no worries. But if you don't believe that it means no worries then it won't" he explains.

"Like a placebo" I connect.

"Kind of. If it was a placebo then whether you believe it or not it will still be okay. The results would be the same. It's the belief that something will work based off of some kind of attempt to do make it work. A manifestation if you will. This is more of things aren't okay but I'm going to act like they are anyway by just saying Hakuna Matata and going on my merry way" he shrugs.

"Interesting" I nod.

"What did you think about the other songs" he asks softly.

"I liked the villain one" I admit. He was pretty cool.

"What about the other one" he tries again.

I look at him weird as he stops messing with a pillow we had moved to sit on the couch. "The love one" I try.

"Yeah, that one" he admits.

"I thought it was beautiful. Elton John is a legend so his rendition at the end made me smile. I'm not much into love songs but the piano and production of the song was great. It had some pretty good lyrics too" I say.

"When I was a kid it was my favorite song. What a five year old was doing listening to that on repeat, I couldn't really you. But my mom used to play it for me no matter how many times I asked. She was probably happy she didn't have to listen to it tonight" he chuckles.

"Have you ever been in love" I wonder. For a song to mean that much to someone, you figured he would know it pretty well. Maybe even from experience.

"That kind of love, I'm not so sure. To love someone in a way that flows as deep as the ocean, reaches as high as the mountains, it's kinda scary don't you think" he asks me.

"Yeah. It's sounds terrifying really. Love is a powerful feeling. In theory there really isn't much that can control it. It's like a breeze that never leaves. Sometimes it's strong and sometimes it's calming. But always unpredictable and you never know what direction it might come from" I say.

He doesn't say anything as he just smiles. I'm not sure if that's what he wanted to hear. I'm not sure if that's what I truly wanted to say. But for now that's what it will be.

We go upstairs and he hangs out with me in my room for a few more minutes. I bite my lip as I watch him play of his phone.

"I can still feel you looking at me" he claims as I advert my eyes. "You still have another question , don't you" he accuses.

"How come the lion learned how to move on from his past better than I did" I ask.

"Would you like me to hit you with a stick" he questions and I roll my eyes.

"No. I get it to a certain extent. What I don't understand is how if it still hurts... how you move on? How can you learn and no longer hurt" I explain.

"I don't think it's that simple. He was still hurting, pain like that never truly goes away. But he knew that no matter how hard it was he couldn't run anymore. There was nowhere he could run to where his past wouldn't follow. So he stopped running and he learned from his past. I think it still hurts him. His dad is gone and even though he knows it wasn't his fault he still felt guilty. But once he was able to face his past he created a new future" he explains.

Moving on isn't an absence of pain. It was acceptance of that pain. I see that now.