Only Us (Justin Fields)

|58| Changing The World

Jillian

It's been a while since Justin had been able to hang out with his friends. While I had one actual friend other than Justin, his circle went far and wide. With the restrictions letting up a little I try to encourage him to meet up with his other friends in an open space to have some human interaction that was not just me.

So I sent him out with his friends in the promise of when he returned we would cuddle and watch the last of the star war movies. We watched the trilogies but the solo movies we hadn't gotten to quite yet. And I honestly might like Star Wars more than he does... but I would never tell him that. It would go straight to his head.

It was only a hour he had been gone before he came back. The front door of the apartment slams behind him making me jump away from the fridge. I peak my head around the corner to see him throwing off his shoes. They slam against the door before hitting the floor. I've never seen him this upset before and it not be related to football. Even then... Justin doesn't know a lot of losses when it came to football either. So this behavior was new to me. I didn't know what to do.

So I do as I always have and watch, evaluate what I do know. Before I even have time to think he storms into the kitchen area where I was.

He doesn't say a word as he stares at me. His eyes were dark and his demeanor clouded. It's like not even he knew why he was so upset. Which means it will be nearly impossible to figure out how to fix this.

"Justin" I start.

"What are we making for dinner" he asks trying to act like something isn't obviously wrong.

"I... wasn't making anything. You were going out with your friends and I was going to warm up some leftovers" I admit.

"Right... well I'll have leftovers too. Then we can watch the movie" he says.

He quickly makes it to the fridge and pulls out the leftovers. Within seconds it was in the microwave and he was sat on the couch.

He throws his face in his hands and I knew he was at his breaking point. I didn't want to push him over but I wasn't going to let him sit there like that either.

So I walk around the kitchen into the living room. I wait for him to let out a sigh before I start.

"What happened" I ask.

"It's nothing" he tries.

"Justin that vein on your neck is about to pop. Obviously something happened" I insist.

His hands slap against his knees as his eyes stay on the ground. The tension radiating off of him like Chernobyl. I could basically see it at this point.

"I've spent my whole life living alongside people believing that they were good. When they talked I listened, but I don't think I ever truly understood them. Didn't care to. And it was bliss living alongside them not caring what they stood for or what they believe in" he says.

"And what changed" I question.

"Everything" he whispers.

This answer took me back for a second. Because while that answer changed a lot, it also told me nothing.

"What really happened" I question. Because that was a broad answer to a centralized reaction.

He doesn't respond at first, he just sits there and stares at the ground. Finally a breath released when he was ready to talk. "When my friends asked about you I told them how we had been living together and doing basic things people do to keep busy these days. It's been rough for everyone but we seemed to find the good in it. We worked through any struggle we met and I think we've learned a lot.

They know you are the kind of person who didn't do much in the first place but figured being locked up would be hard on anyone. Wanted to make sure you were doing good. Then one of my friends made the comment that they were surprised you hadn't killed yourself yet. And I know they don't know you or your struggles. I know they couldn't have known how close that was to being true. But it doesn't change the fact that they shouldn't joke about that, or the fact they don't know you at all" he explains.

"Justin... that's just how it goes. You have to let it go" I try. It's not their fault they didn't know.

"Nothing says I have to" he argues.

"If you don't the only person who gets hurt... is you. And I don't want to see that" I beg.

"You don't deserve this" he cries.

"And that fact doesn't change a thing. Don't you get it? The more control you want over situations you can't change the harder it to accept things the way they are" I explain.

"I don't want to accept it. I shouldn't have to. You expect me to sit idle, to stand by when I can do something" he asks.

"What!? What can you do? This world has been this way since the beginning. Misunderstanding's, manipulation, anger, hate, it's always been there. Unprovoked and unwarranted but it will always be there. No matter what we do people will lie, they will cheat and they will hurt others. It's the way this world works" I try.

"I promised you better" he whispers. "When we met... I told you I was going to change this world. That I was going to make it a place for you to be happy. And I don't want to let you down" he confesses.

I stand down for a moment as I realize this was deeper than whatever petty argument that started. Justin was a man that isn't often denied. But he is still no match for this world, I always knew that. His confidence in himself, in the way he can change those around him, that's what pulled me in. I wanted so bad to be one of those people.

"I never really wanted you to change the world" I confess. His sad eyes look up into mine as I sit next to him. "I don't believe in god but not even he could change the way things are, the way things used to be.

But from the moment we met you changed my world. The way I saw others, and most importantly the way I saw myself. You got me to do something I thought was impossible, but I care about what happens to me now. I want to be better because that means I get to be better with you" I explain.

He reaches over and grabs my hand. His fingers lace through mine as I smile. He gets physical when he's upset. Sometimes it's a hug or him just needing be against me. I'm not even sure if he realize he does it.

"I want to be everything I can for you, even if it's not realistic. Even if I have to fight against all odds. I'll do it if it means there is a chance it would make you happy" he confesses.

"You are you, and that is enough. That's all I need you to be. I did not choose to live because I thought you were going to change my past, the things that have happened to me. I know your whole life you've walked into a room and you could do anything. You made sure of it.

But you've already saved me, can't you see? I am here because of you. That's the only reason. Isn't that good enough" I ask him.

A sigh passes his lips as he shakes his head. "I don't know" he whispers.

"I do" I say as I squeeze his hand. Finally a smile cracks across his worried face. "There's that smile" I tease.

He leans over and rests his head on my shoulder. I rest my head on top of his as I close my eyes. Honestly, if we could just stay like this, then I would be the happiest girl in the world.

"I'm sorry" he says softly.

"There is nothing to be sorry for" I assure him.

"When I asked you to stay it was under the impression that I was going to change the world. And I will one day. Everyone will see what I see. Then when they look at you they'll know just how great of a place it will be because it has you in it" he promises.

I could tell him that I don't want all of that. But I'm not sure it would matter at this point. He already has my heart, my mind. My soul. It's in his hands. Nothing was going to change that.