Only Us (Justin Fields)

|40| My Person

Justin

As the summer marches on I feel the pressure to build. It wasn't a long summer and I still had plenty of training and schooling I worked on in the short amount of time. But I also got to spend time with friends and family and even went to New York. I couldn't complain, not one bit.

I spent the morning at breakfast with old friends and had the rest of the day off. Today Jillian told my mom she would assist in some gardening. Since I got her the seeds and soil last Christmas she really took a liking to planting and growing things. Got all the books she could get her hands on, learned all she could know. So I decided to go head back over to moms and help them out for the rest of the day.

Once I pull in I say hi to my childhood dog and head to the back. I see my mom and Jillian on their knees by the flower bed already covered in dirt. It was hot but they had some water misting to help them and the plants. I roll up my sleeves about to join them when I hear Jillian say something interesting.

"I would never leave Justin behind. No matter where he ends up, I'm hoping I will be there too" Jillian claims.

"You don't have anything you want to do" my mom questions.

"No. More like a person I want to be with" she claims. I freeze because I never asked her about her future, too afraid that she would say she didn't have one because she didn't feel the need to have one. But I was curious as to what she was going to do with her life. What she wanted to do.

"My son adores you, I know he wants you around as long as you're willing to stay by his side" my mom insists.

"As much as I want to stay by his side forever, I'm terrified to need him, but it doesn't make me need him any less. Me without him is like a fish out of water, a priest without a bible. I know that my existence without him is notional. Wouldn't even be here. But I am still here, and it's because of him. Without him there is no me. It's been like that since the moment we met. And since that moment he has not only meant something to me. He's meant everything to me. Even when I didn't even realize it.

And that scares me because the only way I knew how to walk this life was without a care in a world. For 20 years I carried myself as a paper in the wind, blowing around whichever way the breeze goes. That way when whatever I enjoyed inevitably left me it didn't hurt as much. Can't lose something you never even had. I could easily say it was never meant to be and move on with my life.

But if there comes a time where I can no longer be near him, where I can't hold his hand, I don't know what I would do. My heart aches thinking about it. A time where I need him and he's simply out of reach. Blown away by another gust of wind I would never be able to stop. When I look into his eyes there's so much hope, so much trust. I feel safe under his stare. And I could lose it all so easily, I know what this world is capable of. Only this time... I don't think would be able to let go" she explains.

My mom doesn't say anything as she just stares at Jillian. She removes the gardening gloves and sets them on the ground next to her. I've been trying to tell her that Jillian and I aren't what she thinks. What anyone thinks really. There's so much going on that we're too close to see it and everyone else is too far away to understand.

"Those are some complicated emotions" my mom admits. "I can't say I understand your relationship with my son. He won't even tell me how you guys met and he usually tells me everything. But he wants to protect you. From what I'm not too sure. As long as you guys know I guess that's all that matters.

But you're a strong girl. You might want Justin but you don't need him. You have to give yourself more credit" she insists.

"All I know is that if I am going to continue on, that he will be with me. Whether that's a want or a need, I don't care. As long as he's with me" Jillian says.

"Why couldn't you continue on without him" my mom asks. My chest tightens because while I was protecting her by keeping her secret it also means others don't know what to say. More importantly what not to say.

"Because he's... my person" she claims. My mom and I gasped at the same time, if we didn't I for sure would have been found out. But to be honest I didn't think she felt this way about me. Didn't know she could. This changes a lot and it sucks because I'm not even supposed to know. "Let me put it this way.

If you had to give your kid up, would you still want to go see him" Jillian asks.

"Of course. If I had Justin in a time in my life where I couldn't raise him I would still go see him. Make sure he was okay" she claims.

"That's your person. No matter what he is to you he is still your person. So how do you think a kid feels when their parents never made an effort to see them? They have no one.

Of course by this point in my life I no longer care but growing up you see parents come pick up kids from your class or come to games and you always wonder what those kids had and you didn't. Ask what you did to be forgot or ignored. Even the foster parents never cared to see how I was doing or who I have become.

I never had a person, nothing remotely close. So having Justin has given me my sense of purpose. My reason to live. And as much as it absolutely blows growing up with no one, it isn't half as terrifying as finally having someone and worrying about losing them" Jill whispers.

My heart breaks as I hear this. No matter how many times she tells this story it always makes my eyes swell. She was just a kid, never knew of a love that was her own. Never knew of a life meant to live. It wasn't fair.

"Come here baby" my mom says as she wraps her arms around Jillian. I watch in amazement, besides when Jillian was deathly ill she wasn't much for physical contact.

She doesn't hug back right away but I can see her relax before wrapping her arms around my mom. I feel my whole body flush as I smile big. "I wish I knew why people could be so hurtful. Filled with nothing but hatred and anger. You didn't ask to be born and yet filled with the burden of living.

Know that you have a home here with us. No matter where in this world you go you can always come back here" my mom promises.

I let them have their moment before I go into the backyard with them. They break apart and Jillian turns to me. Immediately her somber look runs away and a smile appears on her face. She looks into my eyes and I knew that it make her feel better.

"You guys need help with gardening" I offer.

"We can use a hand" my mom insists.

She comes over and places a quick kiss on my cheek. Usually that was the end of it but this time she grabs my face. She looks into my eyes and I can see the pain still there from earlier.

"You treat this girl right" she warns.

"Of course mamma" I promise.