Only Us (Justin Fields)

|67| Staying In Bed

Justin

The thing about anxiety is that the things we worry most about will most likely never happen. But that doesn't mean we can't speculate. Imagine our lives as if it changed for the worse and how we would handle it.

I'm no stranger to anxiety. I think every person who plays a sport or does anything competitively has anxiety about one thing or another. Am I good enough? Will I mess up? How would things be better if I did things differently? It's a big game of what if and that what if will most likely never happen. We can never change the past, and sometimes in our efforts to stop that future from happening we make that exact thing happen. Just like we don't want it to.

Anxiety and I were old friends. It's that voice in the back of my head telling me that no matter what I do it won't be enough. That I am not worth a love like I know. That she will never be able to love me in the way I love her. And I know none of this is true... yet it still it haunts me.

I lay in bed as I watch her sleep next to me. She spends most nights with me now unless she knows it won't be a good night. Her anxiety was worse than mine. It's like it had its hands around her throat and no matter how much she struggled to breathe it only squeezed harder. And yet despite that she fights back, just to lay here with me. Her strength wasn't comparable in any sense. Not to mine especially. And no matter what she fights to be here, with me. It has to be exhausting, trying to breathe when she knows the grip around her neck will only get tighter. I think I finally realize what would make her not want to struggle to breathe anymore. And it makes it even more meaningful that she is... just to be here with me.

I softly run my fingers through her hair, a small smile forms on her face as her eyes start to open.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you" I whisper.

"No. I've been awake for a while. But I just like being like this with you" she confesses.

"All you have to do is ask and I'll be right here" I remind her.

"I know. But that's easier said than done" she reminds me.

I guess it is.

I continue to run my fingers through her hair as we just lay there. She softly presses her lips to mine and suddenly all that anxiety melts away. It's like she's a magician. And I don't think she has the slightest clue as to what she does for me. How she seemingly takes all my worries and kicks them out the door just with a kiss.

"Don't you have a practice to get to" she asks.

"I got time" I admit.

"That's what you said last time and you were nearly late" she shuns.

"Okay but I really don't want to leave this bed right now" I insist.

"I'll be here when you get back. I don't know if you've noticed... but I don't do much" she giggles.

"Sometimes it feels like a waste of time when we're apart" I say softly.

She furrows her eyebrows as she looks at me. "You're starting to sound like me, it's scary" she claims and I laugh.

"I think it's a good thing" I admit.

"If you say so" she giggles.

I finally get up and change before heading for the door. Only I see that Jillian had beat me and was waiting to see me off like a couple in the 1920's.

I pull her into a long kiss before she pats my chest. I put my hand on the door but she softly closes it so I can't leave.

"I love you" she says and I smile.

"I love you too baby. And you don't have to tell me all the time. I know you love me" I assure her. I don't want her to think I don't feel that, cause I do.

"I know you know, but I still think it's important that I always tell you how much I love you. Because what if there's a time I want to tell you and I can't? What if one day one of us is still here and one of us is not? I would hate to think back and wish that I told you what my heart was saying. I would never forgive myself for denying my feelings of affection" she explains.

Look how far she has come...

Before I leave I give her one more kiss. I drive on over to practice where we aren't even sure what we're allowed to do most days. They say football will start in August which is usually when it does but I wasn't so convinced. If we weren't allowed a real practice then how on earth would we play a game? It made no sense. But it's the world we live in now, there isn't much we can do about it. Even with a vaccine it all still felts so... so mundane.

I get to my locker and change out of street clothes before heading to the field house. There was a few guys there and I had time to spare but it always still pretty late for me.

I find the other quarterbacks and decide to join in their conversation. 

"A little late huh" Ryan teases as I roll my eyes.

"Practice doesn't start for another 15 minutes" I defend.

"Justin you used to get here so early they had to give you a special key" he teases.

"I like being early what can I say" I blush.

"Well what's hanging you up" he wonders.

I pause because I haven't exactly told anyone besides my family that Jillian and I were together. Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed of being with her. In fact if I said I was in a relationship everyone would just automatically assume it was her. Or that we had been together this whole time and was just now telling everyone. I've never had another girl around the team and they know that even if they don't understand my heart chose her. And that was the exact issue, they wouldn't understand. Her and I seem worlds apart but we happened to be taking shelter from this storm together.

Least of all Ryan would understand. Especially after the whole Valentine's Day fiasco I remain pretty tight lipped around him.

"This is about Jillian isn't it" he figured out.

Damn him...

"Why ask if you knew" I ponder.

"Well I wasn't certian until a few seconds ago. But you wear on your face when you're thinking about her. So I connected the dots" he shrugs.

"I just like spending time with her" I try to test the waters.

"What would you guys even talk about" he questions.

"A lot, actually. She's a very knowledgeable woman and what she doesn't know she yearns to find out. I actually really like that in a person instead of them acting like they know" I say.

"Just say you want to fuck her.. it would be less embarrassing" he tries and I roll my eyes.

"It's not like that" I mumble. He is not restoring my faith right now.

"I would" he admits.

I nearly break my neck turning it around. The absolute fear in his eyes lets me know exactly what my face looked like. He knew he struck a nerve, he always does when it comes to her. I just don't get why he always wanted to test me.

"I'm sorry" he whispers. Never thought I would hear that come out of his mouth.

"It's okay... just don't joke about her" I warn.

"Message received" he salutes. I don't think it was but it'll have to do for now.