Only Us (Justin Fields)

|23| Two of the Same

Jillian

Today was the first day of my new future. After a lot of contemplation and thinking it over I decided to go out to dinner with LeeAnn who worked at the bistro. She had been offering to go out since we first met and I always said no. I think she kept asking as a running gag believing the answer always to be no.

But I came to a realization the other day. It's nice to have a friend in Justin, I've learned a lot from him, but I shouldn't be so reliant on him. I know he doesn't mind me only having him to lean on, he might actually enjoy it, but I do mind. I can't go to him every time I have a problem, my issues are my own and he isn't some guy I can trauma dump on whenever I need to. He can't be the only person in my life who I can trust with those kinds of things. That's easier said than done because he understands me. He knows of my struggles, of my hopes, therefore being with him comes natural. The only other person who has even come close to being my friend was Ann. Even after all this time she was still trying to be that to me. Even after saying no for months.

So I said that the next time she asked me to dinner I would say yes. Give it a chance and try to make more than one connection with this world.

"How do I look" I ask Justin as I hold my arms out. I would be lying if I said this was easy for me. With some encouragement from Justin I was stepping out today in what could be a new future. A better one maybe.

"You look absolutely beautiful" he claims as my face nearly catches on fire.

"Okay okay out you go" I say shooing him away before he says something even more stupid.

"What? You asked a question and I answered it, why am I getting kicked out" he pouts.

"Because you're being ornery" I accuse.

"Fine. Let me know how it goes. And have fun" he smiles.

"I'll try" I assure him.

I meet Ann at Panera and we order our food. We sit down and wait for our names to be called.

"I'm going to be honest, part of me thought you weren't going to show up" she admits.

"I'm not that kind of person. If I say I will do something I'll do it no matter how much I don't want to. Which sucks but I promise I want to be here" I insist.

"Good. Cause it's nice to be able to see you outside of the bistro " she says.

"What made you want to hang out with me" I ask.

"I don't know. You seem like a down to earth person and you aren't addicted to your phone and ignore people. Plus we have the same major" she says.

"Wait, really" I gasp. I've never seen her in a class.

"Yeah, but I technically graduated last year. I'm working on my masters now and trying to still do 20 hours at the bistro" she explains.

"That sounds like a lot" I sigh. That might be me in the future to be honest. I don't know how far my funds will get me and if I want my masters...

"It is but it's worth it. I'm from Ohio and I want to stick around to start doing cases here. Help others who are just like me. But I want to be in the best position to help those people so I have to make money here and spend it there. I'm sure you get it" she says.

"I do" I nod. "So what's your story?"

"Grew up in Cleveland, spent most of my childhood with my grandparents. But they were old and they had too many mouths to feed. My parents had 15 kids between the two of them and for some reason we always ended up at Pops house. But he passed and my grandma couldn't take good care of us on her own.

We had been taken away by child protective services and there was no way to keep us all together. So my siblings and I got split apart. Not a single one of us ended up in the same home. The younger ones were lucky, a few of them ended up being adopted. But for the older ones where most foster parents aren't interested in keeping us we got shipped around.

In my mind the system is broken. Of course grandma couldn't have cared for us but we could have gone into a group home. Or at least could have been able to go see our grandma while we still could. She did so much for us and in the end we couldn't even thank her. And I feel as if parents should be punished for failing to provide for their kids. Or continuing to have them when they cannot support the ones they have. There is nothing wrong with putting kids up for adoption. But to keep having kids and never intending to be a parent. To push them off on someone else. There should be consequences for these intentional behaviors.

And I know I can do little to nothing to change these kinds of things. A system like this isn't meant for the kids to come out on top, it's for whoever has the most money. But if I can keep a family together, if I can help a grandparent who had nothing but love for their grand babies, then it'll be worth it" she smiles.

I knew there was a reason I always gravitated toward her. Because in a lot of ways we were one and the same. Only when faced with these challenges she rose to the occasion while I let it get the best of me. I guess it doesn't matter because we both ended up here for the same thing. But it goes to show how the same circumstances can create such drastically different paths.

"I'm sorry to hear about that. You're a strong woman" I nod.

"I have a feeling I'm not half as strong as you" she accuses. "You don't have to tell me. You have that look in your eyes. Like the world is a mean place and you have seen it first hand. But I can also tell you still want to make it better" she claims.

"I do" I admit. "I lost my ways for a while. I... didn't care what my place was in this world. Felt like I didn't even have one. But then I was reminded that suffering has no end. Even if it does for me it continues over and over again, the cycle will repeat itself until someone makes it unbalanced" I explain.

"Kinda like what Justin did for you" she accuses.

I fall silent as my face gets hot again. I wish she would stop bringing him up. It makes my heart race.

"He's different" I whisper.

"I can tell. I'm sure he's the reason we're here huh" she asks.

"Part of it. But I also wanted to branch out on my own. He won't always be able to be around and if I can't make other friends then I don't see how I will be any better off than before" I shrug.

"Well I would love to be friends. We can do dinner whenever you want" she assured me.