Only Us (Justin Fields)

|6| Changing the World

Jillian

After Christmas we return to campus for the new year. Justin wanted to return to training and I... I needed to figure out what I want to do now. There was a future that awaits me that wasn't there before. And there was no real obstacles in my way. I was free.

And yet there is one thing that's keeping me grounded.

"So what's your major" I ask Justin as we sit in his car outside my place. He was dropping me off from when we were in Georgia but for some reason neither of us wanted to out of his car. We ended up spending a few extra days there where I got to know his family better. It made me realize that not everyone on this earth was awful. I saw it plain as day.

"Consumer and family financial services" he states proudly as he throws his feet on the dash. I just stare at him making sure I heard that right. "What? You expected me to say undecided or sports management?"

"Well I certainly expected something I've heard of before" I confess.

"It's basically just a bunch of complicated words to say I want to help people who don't know how to handle finances or to get out of a bad financial situation. In the long run I want to help the kids who got cut off by their parents for being who they are, or someone who has debt they occur from someone else. It's not anything crazy but it can make a difference" he explains.

"I think what you want to do is important. We assign an age to when you become an adult when the requirement should be regarding experience or knowledge. Every kid who's been on earth for 18 years is not ready to face reality. You're old enough to pay taxes but not wise enough to put money back. Old enough or drink but not knowledgeable about how to do so responsibly. Time is not the end all. It's how we spend our time that should count" I admit.

"I agree. And when I'm done with football and I've done all that I could, I can move on with this degree. But until I'm done with football that's where my focus will be. Helping out through that as much as I can" he shrugs.

"What can football help with" I question.

"I want to start a program to help underprivileged kids get into sports. This way we can get them off the streets and into something they might like. Channel the negative energy and turn it into positive energy. I know it won't rewrite how the world is, it won't take away the pain handed to them, but it can change lives. If equipment is too expensive or they don't have a way to get to and from practice we can help. And they can make bonds that last a lifetime. Some of my best friends I met in peewee. Some of those coaches told me things I think about every day. Kids are so perceptive and if they see something bad then there is no stopping it. But if we show them something good..." he trails off.

"You know, I grew up in the foster care. I know that something like that can really change the way those kids see the world" I confess.

"You were a foster kid" he gasps.

"I spent most of my life moving from foster home to foster home. Since I could remember all it's been is one year here and one year there. Sometimes not even that long. And I wasn't the runaway kind of kid. I was the every family I got shouldn't have been able to foster a child kind of kid. There were some times when it seemed like every few weeks I was in a new house. New rules and a new life. And it was the same things every time. "Your parents didn't want you and we don't either. We're just here for a check." Heard it over and over again. From the time I was three to when I came here a little while ago for college. There was no place on this earth where I belonged.

The foster system is tricky. You have laws that protect you but people have been above the laws since they were put in place. People lie. They cheat. They manipulate the system so it works for them. Almost never do they believe the kid over the adults. You can collect the check for fostering without really having to lift a finger. Then they send you off and get a new kid to live off of. Over and over you can do this and the kid will never know of happiness. Of warm meals. Of love.

You get put into this family where the kids see you as an opponent. Someone to challenge their status. The parents see you as a nuisance. Something that is in the way of being seen as a normal family. The system sees it as reforming. Giving you another chance at life.

All because someone had a kid when they shouldn't. Or maybe when they couldn't. I don't know much about my real parents. Who they are or how they're doing. And to be honest I'm not sure I want to anymore. I was perfectly fine ending it all never seeing them again. It won't change what I had to go through or my struggles now.

But maybe if I had a program like what you're trying to do. A real system with real change. Then maybe I wouldn't have been on that balcony that day" I say.

"So what they put you through... it was bad enough for you to..." he trials off.

"Try to kill myself" I finish for him. I know he will never say it. He always gets right there but can never outright say it.

"Right" he agrees.

"I'm afraid it's not that simple. If it was I probably would have done it when my foster mom refused to feed me for days because she thought I was fat. And I wasn't even close to being fat because she wasn't feeding me much in the first place. She starved all her kids to keep money to buy clothes or drugs. Or when one of my foster brothers forced himself on me when I was just 12. Then when I told the parents they sent me away with all that trauma and no apology or help. Or it would have been when one of my foster dads would tie me to the bed to see how long I could last before either he got caught or I got hurt.

I can think of a million reasons why I no longer wanted to live. To narrow it down would over simplify it. But look at it this way. If I did... no one would have missed me. I made sure of it. And in the end I wouldn't have to wake up another day to a world that has done nothing but forsaken me" I explain.

He doesn't say anything but he nods his head. I'm almost certain he wasn't sure what to say. He always had answers but that's because he never truly understood why I would do what I was trying to do. Now he knows.

"So what are you planning to do with your degrees? What was your plans" he wonders.

"It's actually kind of ironic" I admit.

"You want to help people too, don't you" he accuses.

"I'm in school to be a case worker. Be the case worker I've never had. You see their job is to take a kid out of a bad situation then create a good one for them. It's not permanent but with each family you can learn something new. That's true with both good and bad families. But no child should suffer in order to learn. I can make sure that what happened to me wouldn't happen to anyone else.

But I'm no match for a corrupt system. You see flaws in what you do and you believe you can change them. I see flaws and I want to run away. A good seed won't save a bad apple. No matter how I try I will never be that person that people need. I think I realized that. How I wanted to fix this was wrong. I don't really know what to do anymore" I sigh.

"Even if that's true, you owe it to yourself to try. You don't have to help 100 kids. Just one. That's you" he claims.

"That kid is gone. It's far too late for me" I try.

"It's never to late to do the right thing" he assures me.

"Maybe so. But this path seems like one that will not lead to healing. Just inevitable pain" I say.

"Only you can change that, Lilly" he claims.

I try to fight a smile but it was practically Mike Tyson at this point. I look away from him to try and hide, but I know he sees it.