Only Us (Justin Fields)

|75| Validation

Justin

Being human can be insufferable. No matter how good you have it something always seems to be missing. And you don't want to seem like you're not thankful or that you don't appreciate the good things that are there. But a lot of good things is still a lot. I think people forget that athletes are human too. We say things we shouldn't, we want to be left alone from time to time. You put us on a pedestal but sometimes we want to be on the ground with everyone else, eating truck food and laughing at inappropriate jokes.

With the school year underway and football season in full swing I find myself in a place I haven't been before. Struggling. This is year three so you wouldn't think it would be that hard but Covid learning just isn't for me. I want to be in class. I want to be able to engage the professors, the other students. I am meant to have study sessions in the library or whatever poor coffee shop that can hold me and my friends arguing about the law of physics and which professional basketball dynasty is best. My brain wasn't cut out for staring at a computer screen praying the connection doesn't get lost and online discussions.

It's not like my grades were bad. They are still all A's and B's, but that's not the point. Nothing is going to make up for all the lost memories and experiences I am having. The more I think about it the harder it gets. The world shouldn't be like this.... This shouldn't be how I end my college career. Sitting around wondering if this is really what life is meant to be. Yet there really wasn't anything I could do.

And if that wasn't bad enough just starting a football season was hard. It took months for us all to agree on playing and how to do it safely. But there not being fans or anything resembling something normal weighs on me just like it does everyone else. I know I like to act like it's okay, this is the way things have to be. But part of me wonders if that is really true. Why do things have to be like this? It feels like things keep getting worse and it's all gone to shit. Every time we get past a hump another one appears in front of us. I got back school and football but at what cost? What all have I given up and will never get back?

A soft knock on my door sounds and a smile runs onto my face. We are in a serious relationship and have lived together for a while now, but Jill still knocks when she enters a room I'm in. I truly loved that about her.

"Come in" I say softly. She walks over to where I was sitting on my bed before she straddles me. She places a kind kiss on my lips making my heart pound. Her love was so soft.

"How was your class" she asks as she cups my cheek. I've never felt more safe than when she does this.

"It was fine. I feel like we didn't get to do much but that's how things go nowadays" I shrug.

Her thumb softly caresses my cheek and it's like my worries melted away. "You don't have to remember everything. Just enough" she reminds me.

"Easy for you to say. You're gifted. Sometimes it feels like you already know this stuff and you're in college because you have to be to get a degree" I say.

"You think too highly of me" she claims. "And not highly enough of yourself.

It's natural to struggle in times like these. I might hide it better than others but it hasn't been a walk in the park for me either. But I can move forward knowing that in a few years this will all be memories. And I'm not going to remember my test scores or all the things that never happened. I'll remember you" she says.

I pull her into another kiss before I rest my head on the headboard behind me. "Sometimes I want to skip past all this shit and get to the part when all of this is over. Other times I hope we never get out and I can stay here with you like this forever" I confess.

"This is not your destiny Justin. Your legacy? Absolutely. But it's more than that. You are not defined by grades and stats. Those things will not validate you. It's the way that ten years from now your name will still be spoken in these halls. When Covid is all but forgotten you will remain. And they wont bring up grades and records. They will see you for all that you did despite these awful circumstances" she claims.

"You don't know that" I try.

"I know you and that is good enough" she claims.

All I could do is smile because she says these things like they are nothing. Then you try to carry those same words and they're actually heavy as hell. You would never know from the way she talks. But that's just the way she is, the way she will always be.

"What are you doing this weekend" I ask randomly.

She looks up before her eyes slowly return to me. "I don't have anything planned" she confesses.

"I have a game Saturday but how about date night Sunday? We can finally go to the bowling alley that just opened back up" I suggest.

Her eyes get bright as she excitedly nods her head. "I would love to" she assures me.

We sit in bed for a little while longer before I decide to do something with my life. I make myself some lunch and head to the gym. By the time I am back Jillian had dinner in the oven and the place smelled like home. We sit on the couch and find something to watch. I see my grades came in and for once I didn't feel the need to check them. Because she was right, it doesn't matter what is in there. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge doesn't mean anything. Knowledge for the sake of learning means everything and there is no grading scale for that. Even with football I can break all the records but someone will come after me and do the same. If I want to mean something real I can't rely on those things. I just have to be me.