Only Us (Justin Fields)

|11| If You Had To Choose

Justin

In the world of football you play for one team. But within that team you have offense and defense. And within that offense you have the running backs, the tight ends, the linemen, the receivers and of course the quarterbacks. Each group within the group within the group has their own coach and what we can a "room". The quarterback "room" is one of the smallest and by far the most competitive. Besides the kickers and the centers there aren't as many of us. And with last year's quarterback from Ohio State in the NFL there was a lot of speculation around who would be the starter for the 2019 season. Before I announced my transfer Ryan's job was all but confirmed for the starting roll. He's been here for a few years and if the cycle stayed as it was he was next. Now that I'm here the word on the street is that I will start. And I'm here to make that true.

It's nothing against Ryan, it's all love in the game of football. The friendly competitiveness is what drives people to be great. But this is my future I'm talking about. I wasn't going to leave it up to fate. It was going to be whatever I said it will be.

"So you got any girls chasing after you yet" he asks as we get changed for a weight day. God I hate weight day.

"I wouldn't say that" I laugh.

"Oh come on.

You're all they're talking about on campus. From the moment you committed here you were the biggest thing before even touching the field. People who haven't even watched a game a day in their lives know who you are. They love you" the other quarterback Randy scoffs.

"They do not" I defend. He is excessively over exaggerating.

"Whatever man. You'll see it eventually. If they're not already they'll throw themselves at you in no time" Ryan says.

"I don't want that. To be honest I don't think I want a serious relationship while I'm in college at all. There is so much for me to do, I don't see how I can spend time with a girl and it actually be meaningful. And I don't want her to feel like I don't care or won't have time for her. If I really like this girl I want to take the time to get to know her. To give her all my focus" I explain.

"But if you weren't a total stick in the mud" Ryan starts making me roll my eyes. "Who would it be" he wonders.

I sit there for a second because I knew my answer. Before I went on and on about not wanting to date I already had a girl in mind. But I'm not sure they would get it.

"Jillian" I say as he just looks at me with a blank face. I wanted to test the waters but I might be drowning here.

"Jillian? You have a crush on that nerdy girl who doesn't say anything? That's who you like" he questions.

"If I had to choose, yes, it would be her. You wouldn't know it because she's not throwing herself at every slab of meat she sees but she is very kind and thoughtful. Has more strength than anyone her age ever should have" I defend.

"You could have any girl on campus" he reminds me.

"I don't want them. If I had to choose, I choose her. And I don't really have a second choice" I insist.

"Sure she's cute but there's a lot going on there. Even I can tell. You sure you can handle all of that" he challenges.

"No I probably couldn't. Every day I realize just how helpless I am to the problems she faces. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to try. I need to try. To be someone to her. To show her this world and all its colors. She doesn't need to live in the shadows" I explain. 

"Oh man you got it bad" he claims.

"Like I said I am not going to date right now. It's not the time and she needs a friend. I know that. But there is no stopping a heart from beating you know" I ask.

"Nope" he claims as I roll my eyes. Typical.

We stop the side conversations and finally hit the weights. It's February so we really can't do much right now. No pads and no scrimmages. All those different teams come together as one with one goal in mind. Get better together. I had a new team and I wanted to get to know the ins and out of the program. There was no off days in the mind of an athlete. Plus, when was the last time practice had ever been optional?

After a two hour session I was feeling crappy. Really crappy. I couldn't even move my body.

I trudge on back to my dorm and lay down. As soon as my ass hits the sheets I could fall asleep. Usually when I nap I'm out like a light.

But I couldn't seem to fall asleep. The conversation from earlier replaying over and over again in my head. I hate that people don't see Jillian the way I see her. Hell, I hate that she doesn't see her the way I do. They don't understand why people like her are so important. Needed in this world. She has been through hell and back. I don't know everything but that much is apparent. She's had it pretty rough. And she never treated people with the same ugliness they showed her. And she never pointed fingers. She pushed through hell, all on her own. And sure she had to give up damn near everything just to survive, she had to hate herself because if she didn't she would hate just about everything else for making her that way. But she did what she believed was necessary to find whatever it is she wants from this life. She hasn't found it yet and I'm not going to let her give up until she does.

Peoples perception of her is all wrong. She's not stand offish because she thinks she's better or smarter than anyone, it's because she doesn't know where she belongs so she stays to the side. And that cold look in her eyes isn't to give everyone the chills, it's to harden herself to keep everything out. But I have never felt coldness from her. Just the warmth of her heart

Then again keeping her all to myself isn't such a bad thing. People can speculate but they will never truly know what we are. And I'm okay with that, let them talk. Let them whisper about who they think I should be with. But I know in my heart that if I am given the choice to sit with anyone in this world I would choose her. And I will choose her every time.