Justin
As things continue to worsen they end up sending out a strict stay at home order and a state wide travel ban. What started as Jillian and I trying to make good financial decisions and to stay safe for a couple of weeks turned into a complete lock down. And as much as I dream of being stuck with her, I am also afraid of emotions getting in the way as well. Hiding them from her had been pretty easy up until now. And she never had to be exposed to someone long enough for the emotions to boil up inside of her. Now it felt like it was a matter of time before someone's emotions escape. Even if it's not the right ones.
"Looks like Jessica decided to go home for the lockdown" I say as we hang out on the couch. She started college this year after graduating early but it seems like those sweet freshmen moments came to a quick end. Luckily I am sure they will let her get all four years of basketball in.
"I'm honestly suprised you didn't go home" she admits.
"I thought about it. It would be nice to be at home where I know everything will be done for me. But I need to grow up, do things on my own, plus I have you so it's worth it" I admit.
She just smiles as she turns back to the tv. "I think I might go visit next week though. You want to come" I ask.
She looks at me weird as she cocks her head to the right. "We have a stay at home order. There's a literal travel ban right now" she reminds me.
"No one will know" I try.
"Justin if you or your family get sick they can die. Do you understand that? And the worst part is you won't even be able to say goodbye because people aren't allowed in the hospitals since they're so full. That is a really high risk that doesn't need to be taken. Now I have no right to tell you what to do, and I have no family to lose, but if we leave here and someone you love gets sick even though we easily could have prevented it I would feel awful" she says.
"It'll be fine" I brush her off.
"Justin this isn't some game. People are dying. Mothers gone, brothers lost. And I know you love your family and you probably want to see them now more than ever. But it doesn't change the fact that going out there is extremely irresponsible. If we bring this upon your family... we won't be able to help them. We don't have answers for this virus yet, are you willing to put everyone in danger" she asks.
"It's not that serious" I try.
"Yes it is" she argues.
All I wanted to put her at ease. I know this has been hard for her, being stuck inside. Not being able to go out and see the world when she wants. I figured offering her a way out would make her happy. I guess I was wrong.
"It can be quick" I try.
"Didn't your aunt just get Covid" she questions.
"Yeah. But we'll just send her thoughts and prayers and keep away as she quarantines in her house. No harm no foul" I try.
"Thoughts and prayers will not save these people. It has failed to save so many before and yet people say it over and over again. Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers. That's not what you want to hear right after someone tells you that you have cancer, after someone shoots up yet another school, especially not when's someone you love is on a ventilator and you have to make the call to take them off" she lists off.
"Sometimes that's all we can offer" I try. I'm not a doctor or a miracle worker. If I could stop this thing from spreading I would, but I can't.
"And nothing will ever change because if it. That's what we want, what we so desperately need, so if you can't change it then find another way. We've had thoughts and prayers since the beginning of time. We still have black men dying, children starving, the earth falling apart. And the last thing people want to hear when they're at their lowest is that people are thinking of them, praying for them. I would much rather have silence than for someone to pretend to give a damn about me. For someone who has it better to send me their pity. I don't care if you can't offer anything, that's acceptable. There are many times we want to help but can't. But there are also many times we can but won't" she argues
"You can't hate the world for not being able to change after all this time" I try.
"Not only can I, I do. I knew I couldn't change the world, that's why it was so easy for me to decide to leave it. In the end I stayed, for you and for me, but it doesn't change the way I feel about this world. Now more than ever I see just how insignificant I am. How scant my part is on this earth. I can stay inside and do what's best for everyone but they wouldn't do the same for me. Not that I would expect them to. And as much as I knew I wasn't going to change anything I still wasn't sitting there sending thoughts and prayers. I wanted to do something" she explains.
"You wanted to kill yourself Jillian" I argue. As much as I avoided saying it. As much as I tried to put it a different way for my sake, I couldn't dance around it anymore.
"Because at least something would change! I could make a change. Even if my place in this world was so little, it would still shift in my absence" she says.
I hate that she thinks so little of herself. That this world would keep on turning without her. Maybe it will for others, but for me, it would never spin again.
"So it's a problem when others die but it's okay when you do it" I whisper.
"It's not okay. No matter what the excuse is I know what I tried to do wasn't the answer. But at least I had the choice to live or die. Most people don't in this awful situation doesn't. Most people want- they need to live. They have families and dreams and... and they have love. All those things die with them and we're supposed to believe thoughts and prayers will bring any of that back? I can't change the world but I also refuse to sit idle and be the problem. I'm not leaving here" she insists.
"You're going to get yourself hurt thinking that way" I cry.
"Was I not already hurting" she questions.
A long sigh passes my lips. For someone who was so set on not having a place in this world she can be stubborn as hell.
"I don't know what you want me to say" I insist. We've always had a difference of opinions about things but we never got to arguing. Maybe now that we're together all the time things like this are bound to fall apart. I don't like it but it could be true.
"Nothing, Justin. It's not about what you say it's about what you do" she explains.
I know what she says is true, but I didn't know what to do either. This is history in the making and you always want to be on the right side of it. But right and wrong isn't black and white. It's grey and it's confusing. But now wasn't the time to be confused about feelings. That's how we ended up here in the first place.
"I'll stay" I sigh. No point in making things worse.
"I'm sorry for getting upset. I just, I need you to be smart here" she claims.
"I'll try my best for you" I promise.
YOU ARE READING
Only Us (Justin Fields)
FanficJillian had lived enough life to see that things weren't getting better. She knew the future she wanted was never to be. A life long struggle with depression and far had taken its toll. Right as she was about to put an end to the suffering a man ap...
