Only Us (Justin Fields)

|35| Make It This Far

Jillian

Being a teenage girl sucks. Between the hormones and the pressure to be something you're not and not knowing who you are and what you want to be... it's no wonder so many girls peak in high school. It's the last time none of that crap matters to them. They put all their time and energy in just trying to get through then once it's over there isn't much left for them.

I never had to worry about that. Being a foster kid I never had the same last name as my siblings so I wasn't getting compared to anyone throughout my schooling. There was no pressure to be more than what I was because quite frankly no one cared. I was walking through life without a care in the world if something happened one way or another.

But that's easier said than done for Jaiden. She was following in Justin's path who was a straight A student and somewhat of a local celebrity already and her older sister Jessica who graduated a year early and is a varsity athlete in three different sports. Her path is both set for her and all up in the air at the exact same time. She was going to be a junior this school year. Most think it's the most important year. So I offered to go back to school shopping with her to offer a hand and shoulder if needed.

"What do you want to do when you get older" I wonder as we stroll the isles.

"Everything" she smiles. Jai was JUST like her brother. I mean that in the best way possible.  "But since I have to focus on one thing for college I am going to do pediatric nursing. I love kids and I want to help them" she explains.

"Those are some big ambitions" I admit.

"When you were my age did you want to do social work" she wonders.

"To be honest... when I was your age I didn't have plans of any kind. I didn't really think I would make it this far" I confess.

She stops walking before turning to me.

"What do you mean" she asks. Though she knew exactly what I meant she asked anyway. Just to make sure.

"When I was 12 years old I once sat outside of the school waiting for my foster mom to pick me up. Minutes turned into hours, finally by 6 pm everyone had to leave the building. They never got ahold of my foster parents and when they drove by the house to drop me off no one was there.

The principal let me come over and have dinner with her family since we didn't have much of a choice. The police got involved but I was just a kid, they didn't bother telling me the details.

I sat at the dinner table and didn't say a word. Her and her husband and their kids tried to talk to me but I was mute. I had no words. My mind was racing trying to figure out what I had done wrong this time. Why people pushed me to the side time and time again. Every time I thought a family would keep me I was gone the next day.

It was then I figured my existence to be futile. I wasn't even worth a goodbye at that point. No matter how hard I tried or what I did it was never good enough. Every effort was met with a wall. It was then I also realized that this is not a life that is meant to continue. Who could possibly live like that? So there were no plans for the future. There was no future at all. To me it was just all black, like the void of space. I will float along until I drifted so far away even if someone wanted me... they would never be able to reach me. In my head it was easiest that way" I explain.

"That's awful" she whispers. "I'm sorry the system failed you so badly. I don't know a lot but I know you were a foster kid. One of my best friends was a foster kid but she ended up moving far away to be with a different family. I always hated how they act like the kids are a hindrance. I can see that you're obviously not. You have a place here in the cosmos with Justin and with me" she assures me.

"I see that now. But at the time it never seems that trivial" I shrug.

"So when did you decide to do social work" she asks again.

"When I was around your age. I had already gone past the point I thought I would. Still drifting but now realizing that time was running out. I couldn't stay in Florida but there was no place on this earth I belonged either. In a way I was free but had nowhere to go.

It was a funny thing picking OSU. My senior year my advisor was on my case about choosing a college and a future. She suggested social work because of my background. I was experienced in the field and I could make a difference in someone's life. I know I could.

But I also knew the system well enough to know that no matter what I did.. I was never going to make a change. Not a real one. Could help people sure but I wasn't going to be able to change anything. I went along with it because it was a ticket out of Florida and I could start fresh. Unfortunately I didn't, I let my grief and pain follow me. I'm working on moving past it every day" I assure her.

"I always feel bad when I complain in front of you" she sighs.

"I'm not telling this to you so you will feel bad. In fact I can't stand it when people pity me. I'm telling you because from here on out people will be telling you who you're supposed to be. They'll judge you off of scores and grades and numbers. They'll tell you what's possible and what's not. But I wasn't supposed to be here yet I am. I didn't figure out my place in the void until much later. I would go as far to say that I will never find it but that's okay. We're on this journey, so the destination isn't all that important. Don't get caught up in SAT's and peoples idea of who you should be. You're young and you're smart and you're gifted. You're set no matter what" I promise.

She smiles at me as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "I see why Justin insists on keeping you around" she claims making me blush.

"I'm flattered. I just want you and your family to be happy since you guys make me happy" I admit.

"That's good to know" she nods.

We finish up shopping and go back to her house. I help her organize her things and try and give advice on the dual credit and AP classes. Like I always say you should work smarter not harder.

Once she was all set it was finally dinner time. We gather around her dad's table to make our plates.

"You know, Jaiden really admires you" Justin says softly.

"She's a wonderful girl. Going to be one hell of a woman here pretty soon. Before you know it she will be out of college" I sigh.

"She told me about how you said you never planned to make it this far. And from the both of us I hope you know how happy we are that you did" he insists.

"Happy to be here" I smile.