Only Us (Justin Fields)

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Justin

The only good thing to come from Covid times was that I get to spend more time with my family during the season. There were no big dinners or having to appear at places talking about things I truly didn't understand. We spend the night before in the hotel and it was nice that my family was here too.

"You want me to tuck you in" my mom teases as we leave the lobby area. It was getting late, at least for me, and it was time to turn in. To be honest I hated being here because I know Jillian is at home and I can't be with her. But love is a lot of things including sacrifice.

"I think I'll live" I laugh. She picks up her things before walking with me to the elevator. I press the button and we wait for the elevator to arrive.

It becomes quiet for a moment before I remember something. "Mom" I ask before I even realize the word left my lips. It's like my body was moving on its own.

"Son" she says.

"I have something I want your opinion about" I confess.

"Of course baby, what is it" she wonders.

"I want to ask Jillian to marry me" I say.

The elevator dings letting us know it was here but neither of us move. She stares at me trying to figure out what on earth possessed me to ask a question like that now.

"The door-" I try as it started to close without us on it. But my mom grabs my wrist to stop me.

"Walk with me" she says taking us away from the elevator. So much for turning in.

We move to the side of the building away from everything. There was this long hallway that lead to the business center. We take a spot in the middle not saying a word. I couldn't read this woman if my life depended on it. And it kinda feels like it does.

"Did I say something wrong" I ask.

"What does marriage mean to you" she asks me.

A small gasp escapes my lips as I step back. "What do you mean" I challenge.

"Marriage isn't just a word Justin. It isn't something that is inevitable. Love doesn't always mean marriage and marriage doesn't always mean love. We like to glorify the unity but never stop to think about what comes next.

So tell me, why do you want to marry this girl" she asks again.

I pause for a moment because I have thought this through. For a few months really I've been thinking about it. But my mom had a point, I'm not really sure I know what that means. Not to me and certainly not to her.

"I guess at the end of the day marriage is just a piece of paper saying that the two of us are bound. But in reality what really binds us isn't the piece of paper. It could never capture what we have. We could very well just be together forever never getting married and we would still be happy. Nothing much would change one way or the other.

But at the same time... I still want to get married. I want to look back at the wedding and smile because I was the happiest I had ever been. I want her to have the chance to see the world she had created all her own. All the people who had come to love her.

At the beginning of our relationships she refused to get close to people because she was scared to lose them. But we're not going anywhere and neither is she. She can see this life she stayed for was worth it.

I'm not even sure she wants to be married. Never really said one way or the other. But if she wants, I would love to share the same last name. I would love to give her something to wear that is as precious as this friendship bracelet she gave me those years ago. I want to be with her forever, even beyond that, this is how I want to show it" I explain.

My mom nods as she crosses her arms. "I would love to have her be a part of the family. To me she already is. But I think you should talk to her about this first. Make sure this is something she wants. Marriage scares some and doesn't mean a thing to others. But she's a smart girl, she will tell you what she needs to say" she promised.

"Don't I know it" I sigh. "That's why I'm so afraid to ask. I don't think she would say no. But I don't want her saying yes because this is something I want."

"You won't ever know until you ask" she reminds me.

"You're right" I agree.

We finally make it up the elevator and I get to my room. As soon as I do I see a text from Jillian and smile. I give her a call so I can at least hear her voice.

"What are you doing" I wonder.

"Drawing" she admits.

"Are you going to bed at a decent time" I wonder. I know she doesn't sleep well when I'm not around. And I can't do much but I can try.

"I'll try" she says.

"What do you even think about when you stay up that late" I ask.

"You" she confesses. The line falls silent as I just sit there.

"What about me" I ask cautiously.

"Our future" she says.

I swear to god sometimes I feel like we are on our own wavelength.

"What do you see in our future" I continue.

"That's the beauty of it. It's always different. I think it's because no matter what it is I'll be happy as long as you're there" she says.

"And what about marriage" I whisper.

"What about it" she asks.

As stubborn as always.

"Would you like to get married" I ask.

The line falls silent, so silent that I could hear my heart beating. Maybe she could too. Suddenly regret waves over me. Maybe my mom was right, maybe marriage doesn't mean a thing to her?

"Only if it's you" she says.

The breath I had been holding suddenly escapes. It's like the weight of the world was lifted off my chest.

"Oh" I whisper.

"That's all you have to say" she giggles.

"I guess it took me until I asked to realize we never really talked about marriage. And it was something I wanted but I never asked if that was something you wanted as well" I explain.

"All you have to do is ask me" she assured me.

"I know... but then I might not get the answer I want. Or worse, you'll tell me exactly what I want to hear regardless of how you feel" I explain.

"What if I said it's not all that crazy? That I've been thinking about it too. I have my own feelings about it" she claims.

"Yo do" I gasp.

"I do. What else am I supposed to think about when you're gone" she asks.