Only Us (Justin Fields)

|21| It All Must End

Jillian

Flashback

I always loved the snow. When I was a kid I only heard the stories of such a phenomenon. I was from Florida and spent most of my time as a child being shipped around the state from family to family, I had only known of this wonder from pictures and words. One year the family I was with went to Wisconsin for Christmas. I had never left the state before and to be honest I didn't want to go. They probably were only bringing me along just to brag about the charitable work they do to look good in front of their family. They never actually cared about me, in my head this was a white family who found a black girl and wanted some kind of The Blind Side kind of fame. And I would be right in the end. But it's not like I could Home Alone it and stay in Florida.

When we landed it hadn't quite snowed yet. But you could feel it in the air. It was sharper than the air back home. And the brisk air stayed with me longer too. I wasn't sure what to think. The people here seemed to hate this stuff but it couldn't be that bad.

By the time we made it to the house it had started to flurry. Little specks of white falling from the sky in a frozen surprise. Everyone went inside to hide from the cold but I stayed out. It was always kind of weird when a white family had fostered me. And not because of any color barrier, I have always known people of any race could peacefully coexist. But that only happens when there's efforts from both sides. So I can understand them but if they never took the time to understand me, how my hair can't be treated the same way as theirs, how my experiences will always be different from theirs, then there will never be this coexistence with that mindset. And I think they knew that, that's why they did what they had to and never anything more. Left me in the front yard by myself for hours to experience snow and no one said a word.

And that's what I did. I sat on the front porch of this strangers house thousands of miles away from anything I knew and I watched each snowflake fall. I drew a smiley face in the ground just so I had something to smile about myself. I held my hand out to see the snow melt as soon as it hit my bare hands. From that moment on I was always entranced by snow. Only it wouldn't be until I was in Ohio that I could see it again.

So as I made my way to the balcony this fateful afternoon I watched as the snow descended from the clouds. Admiring the beauty and the grace that befalls the city. They say no two snowflakes are alike, but we will never be able to test that theory. In the end they all melt into water so does that really matter anymore? Just like how no two humans are alike yet we will still all meet the same end. Spending so much time focusing on the differences doesn't change the way we melt.

It all must end.

I wanted to be like the snowflake. To fall to the ground never to rise again. I wanted to melt away, forgotten about by spring time. That's why jumping off this railing is such an inviting idea. But like a snowflake in Florida I was never truly given a chance to be admired. Given the time to see if there was a difference between me and the million other snowflakes. So why not melt? Why wait for spring?

I climb onto the railing with my only intentions to not have to deal with the consequences of another change of the season. Surpisingly enough I wasn't scared, and I wasn't sad. I had the pleasure of knowing no one will miss me or mourn. That I wouldn't have to lie to myself to keep going. In a sense, I would be free, just like the snowflakes I so often admired.

Death isn't something I feared. Not now, not ever. In fact the idea was inviting. It was warm and I know it was the only thing in this life that wouldn't let me down. All I had to do was jump. Take a leap of fate and everything that had ever hurt me would be gone.

End flashback. 

"Jillian" someone says and I shake my head. I look up and see Justin with a worried expression on his face. "Hey, you good? You wanna talk" he offers.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Just... got lost in thought I guess. But I'm good, thank you" I try.

I can tell by the look on his face he wasn't buying it. Just by peering into his eyes I can tell he was worried.

"Lilly..." he starts.

"I know Justin. You don't have to say it. I won't make you say it" I promise. I hated hearing that he was worried about me as much as he hated saying it.

Suddenly he slaps a $20 down on the table at the restaurant we were at and stands up. He grabs my wrist and pulls me out of the restaurant before we even had a chance to order food. We walk down the street not saying a word. I don't know what's happening and it feels like he can never say what he wants to. But I'm sure I'll figure it out by the time we get to wherever we're going.

We end up at his place and to be honest I am even more confused than before. Once inside he leads me to his couch where he sits me down. He kneels in front of me and keeps ahold of my hand in his. When he finally looks up I see his eyes are glassy. I wish like hell I understood this man.

"I want you to make me a promise" he starts.

"Justin..." I trail off. Promises are meant to last forever, but I never know how long forever can be. That's why I hate them.

"I know how you feel. And I know you want to protect my feelings. You don't want to make promises because you don't want to let me down. But you could never let me down because you just being here is good enough" he promises.

A soft sigh passes my lips as I shake my head. "What would you like" I wonder.

"Whenever you're having those thoughts that make your eyes go like that you'll let me know. I can take one look at you and I can tell when your past starts to catch up with you. Like all those memories flood into your brain all at once. As if it was a damn on the verge of breaking. I won't let it break you down, not again.

And we don't have to talk about those feelings, you don't have to say a word. Just... grab my hand and we will get out of there. We can find someplace where we're away from everything. And when you're ready we can talk" he insists.

"Why" I ask.

"Because I cannot stand looking at you and feeling so helpless. When you get that look in your eyes... like you're no longer here with us. It's scary. I know how close we were to that happening and I can't... I can't lose you" he whispers.

Finally that tear escapes and I get this feeling in my chest. It's unfamiliar and it's painful. Seeing him like this, I never want it to happen again.

"I promise you. Only you" I insist.

I softly pull up his chin with my free hand. His eyes meet mine and that pain in my chest melts away.

I just might have found my person.