Only Us (Justin Fields)

53| Forever is a Mighty Long Time

Justin

I sit in the kitchen as I watch over Lilly. She wasn't doing anything really, but that's what I thought was so peculiar. The tv was off, the lights were off. It was early in the morning so the only thing was had was a little sun light and the birds outside. With so many people being locked inside the wildlife has been able to be out more. You don't really want to be the glass half full kind of person in this situation but the world could heal a little in our absence. It was nice to see.

Yet she wasn't looking at any of that or listening to the birds. As much as she loved nature, that wasn't what she was focused on. Her eyes were fixated on the clock on the wall. It reminds me a lot of when we met, her obsession with that clock in the dark, cold room. I never understood why she had such a fixation with clocks. Maybe time doesn't mean much to her, maybe it means everything. I couldn't figure it out.

"Do you like clocks" I ask from across the room.

"Not particularly. Time hasn't always been kind to me. I thought I had move past my struggle with time, but the lock down made me realized I hadn't conquered it at all" she confesses. I'm sure this was harder for her than most people.

"One cannot conquer time" I try.

"That is almost true. Technically you can stop it. At any time you can stop a clock. But you'll never slow it down or change the direction. I used to want so bad to stop the hands. For that insufferable ticking to finally end. But now I want more ticks. I want time to slow down so I can finally spend time how I want to.

Once again it looks like time isn't on my side considering we can't go anywhere" she says.

I walk over her and sit on the couch next to her. She never once looked away from the clock. This one didn't even have hands, it was digital. But I don't think she was talking about this clock, rather the clock that she's had her whole life. Constantly ticking, driving her crazy.

"Maybe you don't need to control time" I say. She finally looks away and her hazel eyes look up at me.

"Why do you think that" she asks.

"Like you said, we can't make it move back or faster. We can only make it stop. But we shouldn't stop it. Instead we can share our time, together" I say. Her face softens as she finally turns to look at me.

"I think I can work on that" she smiles.

The room falls silent as a question comes to mind. A scary question that I'm not sure has an answer quite yet. But I knew deep down, I needed to ask.

"You think we will be together forever" I question. She looks at me weird, like I asked her about aliens or something.

"What do you mean" she quizzes.

"I'm not sure where I will end up once I'm done here. It could be anywhere in this country. It's kind of exciting to think about playing football in places I've only dreamed about. But will you be there too" I question.

Suddenly a smile appears on her face and it makes my heart skip a beat. I felt like she answered with just one look. "There is nowhere in this world you can go that I wouldn't follow. With you I am safe, I'm happy. In every sense of the word you are home to me.

So yeah, as long as you want me by your side, I will be with you" she claims.

Now it was my turn to blush. I always hoped she felt this way but nothing could assure me. I never can assume things about her, she was complex and it's taken time to understand her. But her words always gave me peace of mind. For she would never ever say something she didn't mean. "I want to be with you forever" I say softly.

"Forever is a mighty long time" she reminds me.

"And yet it would never be long enough when it comes to getting to be with you. Forever can be a day for some, decades for others. We will never know what forever means until it's too late. But I don't care about how long our forever is, as long a it's forever and you're there with me" I confess.

"Why" she wonders.

"I'm not sure. I just know that no matter what I do, where I do it, it doesn't matter if you're not there" I say.

"Don't you want other friends? Maybe a girlfriend" she teases. I just shake my head as I laugh.

"I want you Jillian. I always have. From the moment that we met I knew you came into my life for a reason. And I think that you were meant to stay, here, with me. And I was meant to find you. I can't imagine it any other way.

When I looked into this life of mine I never realized how precious, how fragile it was. It wasn't until you showed up could I see that I hadn't really been living. Just going through the motion. Acting like life was a given. Then I quickly saw it wasn't.

Because of you I want to live, to actually live. And I don't think I could without you" I insist.

"Why are you saying this" she asks softly. "Why now?"

"Because you deserve to know. I know we don't talk about these things. We live side by side too afraid to cross our lines. Scared that we will lose sight of the path we were on. But eventually we won't be able to deny ourselves whatever fate has in store. What will you say when that day comes" I ask her.

She pauses for a moment, I can basically hear the sigh get caught in her through. Her eyes run away from me as she stares at the ground. "What has always been left unsaid" she claims.

"You're not scared" I ask.

"Terrified, actually. Not that you don't care for me, or that you would hurt me. Scared I'm going to mess this up. That I'll be the problem. I can't stand the idea of not being around you. But at the same time the thought of being the reason you cry is even worse" she defends.

"You needn't worry about that. Nothing could hurt me more... than you not being by my side. I can't explain it but just knowing that you're here gives me hope. I'm happy and I want to do better. Create a future where I can make you happy too.

You do make me happy. More than you know" I promise.