Only Us (Justin Fields)

60| A Rainy Day

Justin

It was a rainy day here on campus. The streets were not driveable and if most places weren't closed already, they definitely were now. I had plans to teach Jillian to ride a bike since she hadn't ever had the chance and I thought that was insane. But it looks like we're stuck inside once again today.

Maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. Any excuse to spend time together I was always down for. Though it was damn near impossible to be around her and not want to kiss her or hold her close. I know now is not the time to make a move, but having all this time alone with her and not doing anything with it was nearly killing me.

So we decide to watch a movie and make some vegan banana bread. Once all the ingredients were put together we put it in the oven and now we wait.

"Look at that, I think the rain is slowing down" I admit looking out the window. A few drops slowly racing towards the bottom.

"I kinda like the rain" she admits.

"Of course you do" I laugh.

"And what does that mean" she challenges.

"I mean you appreciate what most people don't. Many see the rain and they think of sad things. But you have a mindset where rain washes away that pain. And the sound calms you, you always gravitate to the window when it rains. And when you're outside you hold out your hand to let the rain accumulate in it. Like you're making sure it adds up to something" I explain.

"You really notice things like that" she asks.

"Of course. It's hard not to" I scoff.

"Why's that" she wonders, all the innocence in the world.

"I can't say. Or rather I shouldn't" I confess.

"Are you scared" she wonders.

I let the whole room turn silent before answering. I hated when she got this. It's like she knew everything already. Yet I am not sure she has a clue.

"Yes" I admit.

"Of how I feel" she continues.

"Yes" I say.

She stares at me with a puzzling look. What was innocent banter all of the sudden felt heavy. Like the air was thick and hard to breathe in. "I want to tell you how I feel" she claims.

"I know" I assure her. "But I can wait."

"You deserve better" she tries.

"I don't care. I want... you. Only you" I admit.

Her eyes get big and I quickly realized that was not what I wanted to say. What I needed to? Maybe. But this was something I wanted her to initiate. She has the power to feel and to express those feelings. I didn't want to cut into that.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that" I whisper.

I go to leave the room and collect myself in the bathroom but the very next words she spoke stopped me in my tracks.

"I love you" she blurts out nearly causing me to fall over. I try to stabilize myself as I turn back to her. She stood there as cute as ever, concern written all over her face. Little does she know all I wanted from this life was to hear that come out of her mouth.

"Lilly" I try.

"No, Justin, you always get to say what you're feeling and you make it seem so easy. So now it's my turn" she demands. I slowly turn back around as she takes a deep breath. She closes her eyes for a moment to gather herself before looking back up at me. "I love you, Justin.

When you found me I was in a dark place. Somewhere where I wasn't alive and I wasn't dead. I was existing just to see another day, and I was so tired of the sun rising on a new day but nothing ever changing. I believed with every fiber of my being that this place was never going to get better no matter how hard I tried. No matter how much I believed.

Then you show up, you sit there and you tell me the exact thing I've wanted to hear all my life. It seemed too good to be true. You were the only reason I continued to watch the sun rise over this world even though I hated it. Even though it had forsaken me. I wanted to see this world you were talking about for myself.

So day by day I followed behind you. Listened to your life story and decided myself that you were something I could invest in. I watched you do things that I didn't even know a human could do. I listened to the way you talked about me even when I wasn't around, it seemed all too good to be true.

And now I see that I am capable of loving, and I am also deserving of love too. I can be who I want to be and you would still want to be a part of it. Every part of your plans for the future you make room for me. I finally... I finally have a place in this world. By your side. And I just want to lift you up. I want to be a part of your life and cheer you on every step of the way.

I know it's selfish. You saved my life and in return I ask you to share yours with me. Forever. But I cannot think of a good enough reason to want to fight every day unless you are there too. And I want it every second of every day.

There are so many ways to say it. How I think of you whenever I feel the sun on my skin. How I went from not wanting to see anyone to not knowing what I would do if I wasn't by your side. I love you Justin, in every way possible" she says.

A tear drops to her cheek but as soon as it hits I wipe it away. I hold her face in my hands as I look into her eyes. I see how much she needed to say it. And why she wanted to say it first. It's been a long journey to this moment. 19 months to be exact. And I wasn't sure if we would ever get there. I would wait forever for her. But she's grown tremendously in that time. And as she grew so did her love. I'm just lucky enough to be at the receiving end.

I pull her face close until my forehead rests against hers. My thumb lightly touches her lips and I can feel her quiver. Then I pray she understands how much I love her too.

My lips touch hers making sure she was okay with this. Her lips quickly press against mine assuring me she wanted this too. I could feel the hairs on my arms stand on end.

We break apart for a second and I back away a little. Her eyes meet mine making me smile big. "You didn't give me a chance to say it back" I tease.

"I'm sorry" she says making me chuckle.

"There's no reason to be sorry. Because I love you too" I confess.

She smiles big as her fingers get wrapped up in my shirt. She pulls me back and I happily reconnect our lips.