Only Us (Justin Fields)

|18| A Bond The Cannot Be Forged

Jillian

Even though I am doing a lot better mentally I still have these thoughts. No... they're more like premonitions. I can almost see how things could play out. It all seems so real. My soul is straying further and further from the light. I can feel it I swear. I'm not religious or spiritual so I don't believe in the afterlife or reincarnation or anything like that. There's just a beginning and an end. There is nothing more to it. And sometimes when I close my eyes I am surrounded by darkness. There's no sounds, no movements. I can't even find myself in the void. It's just black. The end.

But the concept of the end had invited me for so long that a feeling like won't just disappear. I can try and push away the darkness but if it was that easy to repel I would have never been in this situation in the first place. Death can be as welcoming as a sorority during rush week, or a fish to its bait. Offering an end to a lifetime of suffering. When your mindset is so dark it no longer scares you, the thought of dying. The thought of living is much more terrifying.

I try to work through these kinds of things. Think about my place in the world, why I should stay. It's usually something stupid like "I want to see the first woman president" or "I've never had sushi before". Something trivial that I couldn't control or I could easily control but always avoided it. After a while things like that don't matter. You realize even if there is a woman president she will be scrutinized until the end of time that she wouldn't be known as the first woman president but the worst president ever or something of the sort. And I wait all this time to try sushi, what if I hate it? A temporary fix to a permanent problem will never last.

But I push on anyways. Find new reasons to live. Like having time to cherish friendships, to learn about this life from others. Living, it isn't easy. In fact it is incredibly hard. The amount of strength it takes to get through even a day might surprise you. From person to person it varies. For me just getting out of bed is an accomplishment in itself. Getting up every day knowing, or maybe feeling that you shouldn't be here. It's hard. And knowing that you will have to struggle through another day can be impossible.

I know my place is here. I know my story is not yet over. I have the pen and paper, all that's left is to write. Then maybe by the end I will have something worth telling about.

"Have you thought about going to therapy" Justin wonders as we sit at the bistro. I sip my tea trying to figure out the best way to word this.

"I don't know how to reach out. Crazy that the person who wants to be a case worker doesn't know how to find help herself. But it's easier to give it than receive it, at least in my experience. I wouldn't know where to start" I sigh. 

"I'm pretty sure the campus has counselors who can assist with these kinds of things" he tries.

"This isn't something I can easily talk about. You know so much because you saved my life. The only reason I can share my experiences is because of you. And therefore I trust you with what remains of my experiences. That is a bond that cannot be forged. I don't know if I can reach out knowing that someone with bad intentions might reach back" I claim.

"I understand. You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. But know that whatever you choose I am here for you. And I won't let you go" he promised.

I feel my insides get warm as I try to hide a smile. I know our relationship is no walk in the park. It will be really difficult to continue moving on when we are at such different places in our lives. But I still appreciate his dedication to see through this relationship. He asked me to stay and I don't want to let him down.

"Why do you even like me" I question.

He doesn't respond at first. Instead he smiles before putting his fork down. It's like he was waiting for me to ask this question. He looks me right in the eyes before laying it all out there. "I think you're brilliant. Not just in the way of academics but the way of life. How you carry yourself shows me that you want to continue learning all that you can about this world even though you hate it. To try and find the good in it. Even if it's bad or scary you have the courage to know and I commend you for that. I admire your humility. You're scared that the more people know about you the less they will want to be around. But you couldn't be more wrong. Because when you can't tell me how you feel or what you're thinking you can still show the world who you are. And I think that's special. I've met a lot of people but you are the only genuine person I know. Like everything you do, everything you say, it's real and there is no denying it. Never a doubt in my mind whether what you say to me is true or not. I admire your bravery and your conviction. The way you fight every single day. I know what you are doing isn't easy, every second can seem impossibly long. But you're still here proving that you were meant to be here. There is a lot of things I like about you. More than even I can count. I just know that out of all the people I've met, I've only felt comfortable with you. Like I can be myself and that is enough. I might have saved you but you saved me in your own way. I treated this life like it owed me before I met you. Now I see that living isn't what I thought it was. It's about time and it's about what we do with it. My dreams are changing and that's thanks to you" he explains.

I sit there speechless because I've never had anyone talk about me like that. Hell, I've never had anyone talk about me at all. After all we've been through, it's still weird to hear him say things like this.

"I can't help but feel like a burden to you" I say softly.

"You're not" he tried.

"You saved my life and now you feel like responsible for me. Is that not a burden" I accuse.

"Do I feel bad for saving you sometimes? Maybe. Do I hate that I made you stay in a world that you have no reason to forgive? Absolutely. But I am doing all of this on my own accord. Don't get it twisted. Both can be true. I'm fully aware of that weight I now carry but I've never felt like that weight was a burden. In fact it's making me stronger" he explains.

"I don't hate the world anymore. You showed me that I can bloom given an ounce of hope. Of compassion. Like a flower given some sun and water I too can grow. I've made friends, I've opened up. And I have every reason in the world to wake up another day. So don't feel bad for making me stay. You make it worth it" I confess.

A sad smile comes across his face as he drops his head. "Don't live for me. Do it for yourself" he tries.

"It's much more fun with you" I admit.