When the first notes of the intro to 'Fake love' started playing, my jaw dropped. There they were. Seven figures. BTS.
Through the see through curtain, the guys started their signature dance move to 'Fake Love' and everything around me disappeared. My eyes darted from one guy to the other, as though they were searching for someone specific.
And then I saw him. Jungkook.
My mouth went dry as I looked at him. He looked even more handsome in real life. I couldn't take my eyes off him. Was I dreaming or was he really there, so close to me?
When 'Fake Love' ended, and a new song started, I wasn't even aware of it. Their dance moves were impeccable as ever, almost hypnotizing me like they had when I first started getting down the rabbit hole that was BTS. I had spent hours and hours watching their videos, whether it was a dance routine, a clip from their variety show Run BTS or a live performance. I digested it all. Hours would pass and I wouldn't even notice. And back then, it had been Jungkook who always caught my eye. Just like now.
I blinked as realization hit. There were more guys than just Jungkook. I should watch every member equally, because I do love them equally. No matter what magnetic force Jungkook held over me, I wasn't going to be that kind of fan. The one thirsting for only one member. I shivered. I'd always hated the idea of thirsting. It wasn't like that for me. At least, I fought against it. I wanted to see them as more than just handsome, talented men, but the fact remained; I didn't know them personally. Could I really fall in love with them through their videos and online persona?
My heart seemed to think so.
I forced myself to look at the other guys and stop staring at Jungkook. But whatever I did, my eyes kept darting back to him. I bit my lower lip nervously, fighting against the thoughts in my head scolding me for acting thirsty.
As they walked off the main stage onto the runway, my heart started beating faster. Soon, the guys would be dancing at the stage in the middle of the venue, and they would be so close that they could see me and the way I looked at them.
"You're an open book. I can tell from just looking at you, you've got it bad for JK." I jumped back to reality as I remembered my friend's words when we first started watching BTS videos together.
Nervously, I pressed my hands together, bowing my head so I wouldn't see them as they stood on the stage only ten feet away from me.
The light beams darted around me, signaling the presence of one or more of the guys very close to me. I looked down at the ground. A shadow appeared, first dancing, but then he stood still.
I vaguely heard the sounds of a slow song, as my eyes looked up and locked with Jungkook's.
"봤을때 맘에 두른 철벽 (When you looked at me)
나같은 평범남은" (you wrapped around my heart)
I watched as he reached his hand out to me, as though asking me to place my hand in it. My hand reached out to him and, slowly, I rose from my seat.
"니가 만든 기준에 결격 (A normal guy like me)
썼지 친구란 가면" (doesn't fit your standards)
Our fingers touched for just a split second, but it was enough to send a feeling of electricity to both him and I. His eyes bulged as he tilted his head in confusion and stepped backwards.
His response stirred all the insecurities I had about having someone like him be interested in me and, when he turned and walked away, a wave of rejection flooded over me.
"JK is not in the least interested in someone like you." My heart ached as I heard the redhead's voice in the back of my mind yet again. I sank back to my chair, my eyes towards the ground. "He prefers skinny women." Fearful, I looked at the clothes I was wearing. Did these make me look bigger than I was? Had I done the right thing by wearing a light jeans with a purple blouse that hugged my chest but flowed around my waist?
My chest tightened, making it harder for me to breath. I leaned my elbow on my knees, placing my head between my arms. A hand touched my back, followed by my friend's voice. "Are you okay?"
"I'm feeling nauseous," I said, rising from my seat as though her hand had burned my back. "I'll be right back."
Without waiting for a reply, I sprinted away in the direction of the corridors that had led us here. Feeling my nausea worsen, I darted into an unknown hallway where I spotted a blue light indicating a women's restroom. I went inside, locked the door and sank toward the floor. My chest heaved as I struggled to control my irregular breathing. The nauseous feeling made my stomach cramp up, but as I hadn't eaten anything nothing actually came up. My eyes started to water as I endured the symptoms of a panic attack. My arms lay trembling on the toilet seat, trying to keep myself upright.
"Calm down," I whispered to myself as I closed my eyes.
All my insecurities about how I looked, being single and unworthy of love resurfaced, attacking me like bullets. Everything in me was hurting, but instead of letting the pain out in loud cries, I couldn't make any sound.
On top of trying to understand what was happening, came the voice of reason scolding me for being so oversensitive to what could've been an innocent coincidence. What if Jungkook didn't even notice how I looked, and I made it about me? Maybe he didn't reject me, but kept to the script of interacting with a fan and then walking away. He'd done that before, as had the other guys. Why was I making this about me?
I focused on my breathing, pushing myself to slow it down. Don't be so sensitive. You know enough about Jungkook to know he would never respond to a fan that way.
But then why did my heart react as if he had?
I clenched my fists. My insecurities were making me miss a once in a lifetime opportunity; watching BTS rehearse for their upcoming show.
Pull yourself together.
Giving myself another 5 minutes to calm down, I managed to stop the nauseous feeling and lessen the trembling that had overtaken my body. I pushed myself up, battling the lightheadedness as I unlocked the door and walked toward the mirror.
My skin was pale and my eyes puffy. Sighing, I bent down to splash cold water on my face. Two crying episodes in two days. This wasn't what I wanted to remember of seeing BTS in concert.
"I'm going back there and enjoy the rest of the rehearsals. I'm just going to watch as if they're on the screen and I'm safely at home." I looked my reflection in the eyes. "Avoid eye contact. I'll be fine if I can just do that."
The concert would definitely be better, because our seats wouldn't be in the front row. I was sure of that. Those tickets were the most expensive, and even though Jake seemed like a nice guy, I assumed he wouldn't be able to arrange those for his date and friend.
"I'll be fine."
***
Author's note
Just in case you're wondering, the song mentioned in this chapter is called 'Beautiful'. I chose this song because I found the lyrics very fitting to the storyline, plus it's just a beautiful song! I can't say it's my favorite, just because I have too many favorites! But it's definitely on the shortlist of BTS songs that I love to listen to!
What is your favorite BTS song?
YOU ARE READING
Before you disappear
FantasyDealing with anxiety meant I didn't have many friends. On top of that, I had fallen hard for this guy named Jungkook. But being a member of a famous band, he was unreachable to me. Until fate struck the both of us, making our souls switch bodies. H...
