Before you disappear

Chapter 86

The words had come from deep within me. I could see the confusion on Jungkook's face. It was as if he couldn't believe what I was telling him.

His hands on my wrists loosened, so I gently pulled them away and rose my hands up to touch his jawline.

I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want him to leave me. What we had was something special. What I felt was something special. It was so much more than the relationship between an idol and a fan. I need to let him know this. I can't just assume he knows.

My hands were shaking as I placed both my hands on his jaw.

"Don't push me away," I whispered again. "I-I love you." And this time my voice broke.

He blinked a few times and his lips parted as he looked into my eyes. Everything in me felt scared and pressured me to look away. But I couldn't. I needed him to see my sincerity. He needed to see that I wasn't playing around. I was standing here, offering him my heart. He had the choice to either accept it or break it, and I needed to be ready for both.

"What did you say?"

It wasn't the response I'd expected. The way he said it made me feel even more vulnerable. What part had he not understood? Or was it that he didn't want to hear me say it? That this was him starting to scold me?

I could feel myself starting to shrink under his gaze. The power this man had over me was almost unbearable. Maybe I shouldn't use words. Maybe words aren't enough.

With hands still shaking, I slid my fingers down to his collar and pulled him closer for a kiss. Barely an inch away, I hesitated. What if he rejected me? Could I handle it?

"I love you," I said softly.

I could barely hear the words over the loud beating of my heart. Unable to force myself to look into his eyes again, to check if my words had reached him, I focused on his body movements.

Jungkook's breath felt warm against my lips. He wasn't pulling away, or coming closer. I could sense the impatience in me growing, but I also knew it was based on agony. The agony that both acceptance and rejection could lay in my future.

I didn't know how much time passed. Perhaps it was three minutes, maybe just two seconds. It definitely felt longer than two seconds. My mind was racing with thoughts. What would I do if he rejected me? What would I do if he accepted me? Why didn't he respond? Had I pushed him away by making it such a big deal?

I was about to say something else, perhaps even retreat cowardly, when he took a sharp inhale and simultaneously leaned forward, pressing his lips on mine.

Shocked, I automatically opened my mouth which he instantly used as a way to deepen our kiss. Within a matter of seconds, I lost my connection to the wall and felt my posture change from looking down to looking up.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I realized we'd switched bodies and this time it had felt different, more solid. Like it was the last time, even though I had no idea why it felt that way. But there was no way I could say anything right now as Jungkook had taken me over completely.

With his hands folded around my waist, he swung us 180 degrees and pressed me against the wall once more.

I moaned softly as he released his lips from mine, trailing them down my jawline and neck. Everything in me tingled as he kissed me like he'd never done before. There seemed to be an insatiable hunger in him that he tried to still, and it looked like we would go into a second round of what we had experienced yesterday afternoon. Until...

He took a step back, releasing his lips from my skin, but holding his hands on my hips.

With my eyes closed, I could feel his warmth leaving me and part of me felt scared that this was his way of saying goodbye. It made me fearful to open my eyes and see him.