Before you disappear

Chapter 63

The day had been busy. Too busy.

Jungkook's head was spinning. He had taken a moment to separate himself from the rest of the guys, just to make sure he was still okay.

Two people from their medical staff had been with him during the day, giving tips and advice about what he could or could not do. They were watching him closely as he did the dance routines, making suggestions on how to lessen the strain and basically just breathing down his neck.

Jungkook wasn't prepared for this kind of watchdog behavior and to be frank, it annoyed him. Why couldn't they trust him to not take it too far? Why would they try to restrain him, when he was very aware of his limitations and he would never cross that line again?

He knew why.

His heart failure had given not just him, but the whole team, a gigantic shock. No one had seen it coming, not even Jungkook himself. So, it was only natural that the team was so vigilant around him. Still, Jungkook hated the fact that he couldn't give a 100% to ARMY. They were the reason he was doing what he loved; performing in front of millions. Making a difference in people's lives.

He wanted to take responsibility for what had happened and be completely confident in recognizing the signs if it were ever to go that way again.

Yet, here he was hiding in the bathroom, trying to calm his nerves and lessen the headache that had started about an hour ago. Truth be told, Jungkook wasn't sure if he'd recognize the signs. Even now, looking back, there were just a few signs but those could've easily been caused by something completely different.

It wasn't until he had actually been on stage that the signs became more clear. Those signs he'd recognize. But the thought that it could happen again, in front of ARMY, frightened him. He couldn't deal with another failed concert.

"The concert in London wasn't a failed concert," Namjoon had said during their last break when Jungkook had uttered his frustration and fears. "You can't look at it like that. You completed the whole setlist."

Jungkook sighed.

Of course Namjoon was right, but remembering the blackness he'd tumbled into scared him to bits. He wasn't even sure if he'd been out of sight from ARMY. Perhaps some had seen him collapse. What would they have thought seeing one of their idols go down like that?

Jungkook's hand pressed onto his chest as he closed his eyes. Don't go there. Don't think like that. ARMY is fine. I am fine.

His heartrate had spiked since coming to the bathroom. He needed to stop worrying and focus on the positives. People were watching him closely. Medically trained people. They would see the signs and stop him if it would ever go that far again. He had to trust in that.

When he was at the hospital, doing his tests, the doctor had told him to mind his thoughts. "Going through a heart failure takes a lot on your mindset. Most patients talk about not being able to trust their bodies or the signs they're given. It's only natural for you to go through those thoughts, too. You need to readjust to your body, feel comfortable with it again. Just acknowledge the thoughts as a normal and completely logical fear, given what you've gone through, but don't let them consume you. Talk about them with your loved ones."

Even though the advice was meant for her, Jungkook hadn't talked about it with his loved ones either. He'd mentioned a little but he hadn't gone into the fear that had caused him to feel anxious right now. This concert was his first step back into his life as Jungkook of BTS. It was the first time being in front of ARMY again, and he was sure people of the media would be there, too.

He couldn't hide behind sunglasses, or caps. He couldn't quickly rush passed them, just like he had when they were at the airport or when they arrived at the hotel.