Before you disappear

Chapter 84

I wasn't ready. I wasn't even close to ready. I was so far away from being ready, that if it were in miles, I would need to take a plane to get to ready.

My breathing was shallow. My heart rate quick.

How did I end up here? Where did the time go? How had I not been able to talk to Jungkook at all since landing in Paris?

Yesterday we had arrived and since then I'd only seen him briefly this morning at breakfast. But there had been no time to talk to him, since Namjoon had ushered every member towards the vans, taking us to the venue. We needed to practice, get a feel for the stage and get everything sorted. I got that.

But... how was I to practice, if I didn't even know the steps?

"JK, what is going on with you today? You seem completely out of it." Hobi's voice was strict and I withheld my posture, not to shrink under his scrutinizing gaze.

"I-I don't know," I said, even though I knew very well what was going on.

How could I ever let myself go on stage like this? I couldn't be Jungkook. I didn't know the lyrics, didn't know the steps. I couldn't fake being an idol. I was too much of an introvert to pull this off. "I need a moment," I said, turning my mic off and walking off stage.

I could hear Hobi starting to object, but Namjoon's voice stopped him. I didn't know what was said as I had taken out the ear pieces, but I could guess. They were disappointed, maybe even worried about me. No, about Jungkook. Me as Jungkook. They weren't aware of me. They just saw Jungkook and right now, they saw a Jungkook who was choking. Who couldn't perform. Who was too much in his head.

I can't do this.

A staff member handed me a bottle of water, which I took but I didn't stop walking. I hurried into one of the backstage rooms where I'd left my phone, grabbed it and walked straight towards the exit door that led to a secluded area outside.

Here, I could breathe. My fingers were trembling as I opened my phone and looked for his number. I wasn't sure where he was, perhaps she was already at the venue, though it seemed more likely he was still at the hotel.

At the last concert, I wasn't able to join the guys until late afternoon. Right now, it wasn't even noon yet.

"Hello?"

Hearing his voice made me feel a little less on the edge. Still, I wasn't too sure if I could speak without my voice breaking.

My silence must've alarmed him, because when he spoke my name, I could hear a shiver in his voice. "Are you okay?"

"No," I whispered. "I'm freaking out. I can't do this, Jungkook. I'm failing at every dance step. I don't know the moves. It's too hard. I can't be you."

"Wait," he said, his voice taking charge. "Let me call you right back. Two seconds."

"W-why?"

"Because I need to see you, and you need to see me. Two seconds." The phone disconnected and a flood of worry threatened to spill over me and taking me down with it. Then the phone rung again, this time signaling an incoming video call.

By this time, I was so nervous that it took me three tries to actually take the call.

My face appeared on the screen. My face, but with Jungkook inside as he looked at me. "Take three deep breaths," he ordered before I could say anything else.

I took three deep breaths.

"Look at me."

I looked at him, still shaking.