Before you disappear

Chapter 58

My eyes kept darting towards my phone.

It had been a little over an hour since Jungkook left my room, saying he needed to talk to the other members because of the concert tomorrow. I was sure that wasn't the only conversation he needed to have, but I didn't want to think too much about the 'who-is-this-woman-you-talked-about-in-your-live' talk.

It was bad enough that my heart was still racing a million beats per hour, because of the moment I had with him. That one moment where he held my hand against his chest. I had tried to lighten the mood with a joke, but he remained serious and it had stirred up everything inside of me.

Until he let my hand go.

It was the feeling of instant rejection and I did what I always did, I retreated inside my bubble of safety.

Looking back, I wasn't too sure if my initial response had been the right one. Was letting go of my hand considered a rejection?

Jungkook had tried to keep the mood light during dinner, and I tried just as hard to meet him halfway, but I was so darn shy around him. I hated feeling like this. Like I was less than him. Like he was the idol and I was the fan, and not like he was just a man and I was just a woman.

Why did I always scrutinize every detail, every action of someone when I liked them? Why couldn't I just stay in the moment and enjoy myself?

It was the million dollar question.

I knew why. It was the only way I knew how to keep myself safe. In the past I'd been rejected so many times that retreating was the only way I could avoid that kind of pain. It had helped me multiple times when either friends or dates tried to take advantage of me, but in return I experienced a different kind of pain. The kind where I felt like I wasn't good enough.

And being with someone like Jungkook, even though there hadn't been anything romantic yet – aside from that one kiss at the airport, of which I kept telling myself that it wasn't meant to be seen as romantic – well, it seemed to magnify that feeling of not being good enough.

"I have to keep an open mind and heart towards him," I muttered as I paced the room. "If there is only the slightest possibility that this could turn into some kind of fairytale, I need to stop seeing him as someone out of my league. He's not just Jungkook, my bias. He's also just a man." I stopped pacing. "A single, attractive, decisive, strong man who wants to get to know me."

I swallowed hard.

He wants to get to know me.

I had to tell myself that a few times, because it sounded ridiculous. Something that would only happen in a fanfiction, not in real life and certainly not in my life. Except, it had happened in my life. This was my life. This was my story.

My eyes darted back to the phone on the coffee table.

"I'll text you," he had said, just before he left. After the conversation he'd have with the other members, he would text me.

When would that be? Would he go straight to the guys? Would they drill them about me? Would they demand to see me right away?

I gasped.

I wasn't ready to see any of them right now! After Jungkook left, I'd changed into my PJs, brushed my teeth and had tried to calm my nerves by flicking through a magazine that I found on the side of the bed. But seeing as it was a Norwegian magazine, I couldn't read any of the articles and ended up only looking at the pictures.

And after that, well, the pacing had started.

I checked the clock. It was a few minutes before ten. Should I try to get some sleep? Should I set an alarm for tomorrow morning? What would I get for breakfast? Was that something I could arrange myself by calling the reception or should I ask Sehun?