Before you disappear

Chapter 36

After my little breakdown, the guys were told to go back home, because it would draw too much attention if we all left the hospital together.

My body still felt weak and having those emotions run through them didn't help much either. Thankfully, Tae and Namjoon stayed behind to help me get ready.

Some of Big Hit's staff members showed up to help pack things up and they led the way to the back entrance of the hospital, where a black car with blinded windows was waiting for us to take us home.

Well, Jungkook's home.

My nerves were still high, only visible by the trembling of my hands which I kept in fists almost all the time to avoid questions.

At one point, while we were waiting for the elevator to take us down to ground level, I noticed Tae's eyes on me, but I hadn't dared to look up at him. Sitting in a wheelchair, pushed by Namjoon, made me feel weak enough as it was. I didn't want to add to that by seeing Tae's expression.

But as we sat in the car, Tae next to me and Namjoon in the front, I made the error to open my hands to relieve some of the cramp that had started from having them as fists the whole time. My fingers shook, my hands shook, and as I pressed them against my thighs in the hope they'd stop, Tae placed his hand on mine.

I glanced at him, only to notice a small smile on his face as he looked back at me. There were no words said, or any other gestures made, but I heard his message loud and clear. We've got you.

I swallowed and looked back down at my hands.

This would be the first time to see where the guys lived. I had heard rumors they all shared a house together, but also had a place of their own. So, I wasn't too sure where I would end up today. Part of me wished, hoped, prayed that I would be taken to Jungkook's house and be left alone. But I knew those wishes, hopes and prayers were in vain. No way are they going to leave me alone.

I guessed I should be happy to. My introverted side would take over if I'd be left alone and chances are that I would act like an ostrich; head in the sand. I'm not home. Please go away.

I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. I needed to keep my cool. Whatever happened, I could work with it. If I didn't know anything or acted unlike Jungkook, I could just blame the accident and pretend it was just a phase. I might not know a lot, but if anything, I was resourceful enough to get through it.

When the car came to a standstill, I looked outside. Behind us, a fence closed.

"Ready?" Tae asked and I realized his hand hadn't left mine during the whole drive. He tapped against my hands.

I nodded.

We got out of the car and I turned to watch the Big Hit staff members get some of my stuff from the back of the car. Thinking I should help, I took one step in their direction, only to have an arm hooked around mine and pull me to a stop.

"Let them do that," Tae said as I glanced back at him. "You should rest."

"I could help..."

Tae narrowed his eyes at me and I shrunk a little. "They'll be fine," he said, then gently pulled me along towards the entrance of the house.

I looked up at the building. It was large, definitely large enough to fit 7 rooms for 7 adult men. My heart started racing and I could feel my legs starting to waver. Keep it together.

But it was no good. From the grip of Tae's arm around mine, I knew he already sensed I wasn't strong on my feet. "Namjoon," he called out.

"Guys, no..."

Namjoon appeared on the other side of me, hooking his arm through mine. "Let us help you," he said gently. "Let's get you to your room."

We walked through a hallway, up a flight of stairs and passed a room, that - by the quick glance I could give it – looked like the living room. Nervous that any of the other guys might show up, I held my head down because I couldn't deal with the way they would look at me once they saw me hanging between Namjoon and Tae.

Angry at myself for being so weak, I tried to take steps, but couldn't help but trip a few times. Namjoon and Tae kept me steady all the way to the end, when we entered a room with a large bed in the middle where they sat me down on.

"Sleep heals the body, so take some rest, okay?" Namjoon said as he leaned forward, placing both hands on my shoulders.

I nodded, too shy to say anything.

Namjoon rubbed through my hair and then left my room, but Tae didn't move. His eyes were fixed on me and for some reason, I couldn't help but feel a distance between him and I.

"You want me to stay here with you, until you fall asleep?" Tae asked.

I looked up at him, wondering what Jungkook would say to that question. From the Bon Voyage episodes I'd seen where they'd gone on several trips together, I knew they both loved sharing a bed and Tae was the one who usually came in either Jimin's or Jungkook's room early in the morning to cuddle.

Even though there were fans making more of it than just the acts of an intimate brotherhood, for me, it was just a sign of how close they'd become over the years. They were like brothers, and they loved being close together.

I guessed my silence, overthinking what to say to that question, made him a little self conscious because before I could answer, Tae had waved his hand dismissively. "It's okay if you don't," he said, letting out a shy chuckle. "Back in the hospital you were barely left alone, so, I mean, if you need some space, I get it."

He looked me in my eyes and I didn't know why, but I could tell he was putting his guard up. It didn't feel right.

I swallowed, seeing him turn around to leave. My heart was aching with indecision. Could I be left alone here? I didn't want to be. This was Jungkook's room. It felt too private to be here by myself. I blinked a few times, as the heaviness of tears formed in my eyes.

"Can you stay?"

My voice was tiny, a mere whisper, but it was enough to stop Tae from walking out of the room. He turned to look at me questioningly.

I glanced up and as our eyes met, his look changed. The distance I'd seen in his eyes was replaced by a softness. He bit on his lower lip as he turned around and came towards me. "Come, lie down," he said as he gently pushed me down on my side. He helped me pull my legs up onto the bed, then walked around to lie next to me.

I rolled onto my other side, facing him, and placed my hands against my chest. I could feel them trembling against my skin, and slightly annoyed by it, I clenched my jaw.

Tae's hands folded around mine and he pulled them against his chest. "Close your eyes," he whispered as I looked up at him questioningly, "then follow my breathing."

I did as he said.

Feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath he took slowly calmed my nerves. I could feel the drowsiness of sleep coming over me like waves crashing onto the shore. The steady and repetitive nature of his breathing took me down into oblivion and soon, I'd fallen into a deep sleep.

***

Author's note

Yesterday was a day full of emotions. The news dropped that BTS will focus more on their solo stuff. I support them in their decision, no matter what. Want them to do well and live their lives happily. 

And yet, my heart is aching. 

It was hard to write today, but I managed it anyway. Hopefully you still like where the story's going. It might not be the typical fanfic, but I feel it's important to have these kinds of stories as well. 

Let's keep our love and appreciation for the guys alive, and take care of ourselves in the mean time.