C | Cuddle

thanks

Dulu saya pernah terfikir saya tak nak bagi ending kat cerita ni as long as saya ada idea.

But things have changed.

Alasan saya nak put an end to this mungkin tak akan difahami semua and rasa macam childish, but do keep on reading kalau nak tahu kenapa saya nak cepat-cepat habiskan cerita ni.

Bismillah. Fuh.

Camne nak start eh?

Bila saya tengok dah banyak kat Wattpad cerita sama macam Cuddle — cerita pasal kisah seharian suami isteri, setting and storytelling pun sama, I got demotivated to continue this.

Ahahaha lemah en saya ni.

OK nak diceritakan lagi, those books got a huge recognition. Comparing yourself with others might be one of the worst things to do in life. Dan itulah apa yang saya pilih untuk buat. Kalau nak tahu setiapkali Cuddle hit a significant milestone saya akan tulis dalam notes kat phone. And bila bandingkan dengan milestone saya and mereka, they are thriving at such a fast pace while I'm still here — wondering if my books were losing its shine. Makin lama pun vote count makin slow.

Saya tak pernah tulis Cuddle dengan niat nak popular. Saya teringat saya tulis cerita ni sebab saya pernah minat sorang laki kat sekolah, and I write Fahri based on him. Tujuan saya tulis Cuddle memang untuk fantasize little fairytale imagination saya. And I love writing. So I thought why not? Saya ingat lagi saya publish waktu 2018 and during that time the most people would vote my chapter is 5 people. Hahaha.

Bila saya habis sekolah perasaan saya kat laki tu pun pudar, and then I keep on writing Cuddle cause its fun, and cause you guys are there. Seriously, saya tak pernah gesa korang comment atau vote cause for me, korang sudi baca satu chapter sampai habis pun mampu buat saya terharu sangat-sangat.

So, bila saya dah start kisah pasal reputation Cuddle, saya rasa motif utama saya tulis cerita ni melencong. Instead of for my own good, I did it so I can be at the top — which is unhealthy for me. Writing is supposed to be fun and healthy, not competitive and pressuring.

The only motivation saya untuk teruskan tulis ialah kamu semua yang tak jemu baca/vote/comment/add buku ni dalam reading list/follow saya.

Jadi, sebab itulah. Saya nak end cepat-cepat. Saya tak suka bila dapat tahu diri saya boleh jadi se-toxic ini. Saya tak suka bersaing. Saya tak suka bersangka buruk. Saya tak suka rasa anxious bila terfikirkan cerita lain yang sama konsep dengan Cuddle akan ada kat tahap sama dengan Cuddle. Saya tak suka tulis cerita ni kalau niat saya ialah untuk overpower cerita lain. That's pathetic of me.

I guess I'm not good with fame? Hahaha, sebab tu Flirt is a safer place for me to write, sebab tak ramai orang baca and tak dapat recognition sebanyak Cuddle. I guess I'm better off writing stories with plot rather than slice of life.

Kadang-kadang saya teringin sangat nak uninstall app ni sebab dahlah banyak bugs, and um entahlah. Rasa toxic. Tapi saya terfikir saya tak boleh uninstall selagi saya ada unfinished business kat dalam ni. Saya rasa macam terhutang korang satu ending yang boleh buat korang move on dari cerita ni.

OK itu dah beberapa reason. Reason yang lain ialah, I have too much on my plate this year and the upcoming years to come. I'm getting a Bachelor's degree and I'm struggling. My environment is not that healthy. My circumstances are far from dreamy. Dulunya saya tulis Cuddle untuk escape reality tapi makin lama rasa macam saya tak enjoy it as much. Dengan menamatkan cerita ni, mungkin saya boleh bernafas sedikit dan move on dan saya harap semua orang boleh move on juga.

To me, moving on is such a bittersweet thing one could do. An act of someone walking away from a past so sugary — that's one of the most courageous thing one could do. And I have faith in everyone, so let's move on together.