Fixing Me ∞ Hood

Chapter 63 - Past and Present

"Jordan, where are we going?" Calum frowns as his eyes rapidly scan the scenery rushing past outside the car window.

"Just wait." I sigh, feeling like a broken record, as I play with my fingers anxiously.

"Why aren't you telling us where we're going?" Michael pesters.

"Because you're about to find out." I reply shortly, signalling the end of discussion.

As the car turns silent, the faint sound of the radio playing some old song hums in the background. The boys' breaths are even, mine however, are the opposite. I can't sit still and I can't bring my heart to settle. The anxiety makes my teeth chatter as if I was in the middle of the snow, which is a strange feeling when the car air conditioning is on hot. I feel cold even though the hot air fills the car, acting as the 'tension in the room' that I could almost cut with a knife.

"Left or right?" Ashton asks quietly, as he pulls up at a 'T' intersection, his voice seeming loud in the quiet car.

"Left," I run a hand through my hair. "And pull into the car park just along here."

Ever since I told Calum about that part of my past, something has been off with us. Even though it was only yesterday, he just seems distant from me. Many times last night he would walk into my room, looking like he wants to say something, but then turn around and walk back out. Even though I didn't want it to happen, it seems like this bombardment of information is changing everything.. I don't want my past to engulf my present and swallow it whole, but it seems like it already is.

As Ashton pulls into the outdoor carpark, gravel crunches under the weight of the car, the tyres resisting the unsteadiness of the small rocks. He hesitantly pulls into one of the empty car spots, not many being occupied anyway, and frowns as he kills the ignition.

"What are we doing at a cemetery?" Michael asks quietly, choosing his words carefully.

I look at him before wordlessly stepping out of the car, the cold wind instantly chilling my bone to the bone and relentlessly whipping my hair around my face. I wait for Mali, Joy and David to pull up in the other car and wait for everyone to get out before turning around.

"Follow me."

I walk the path that is all too familiar to me, passing headstone after headstone; those of infants, young adults, adults and the elderly alike. Some are smooth and new, others cracked and chipped, the stone draining of colour over the years they have been here. On some, the engravings are unreadable, faded with the stone or covered in moss and weeds. It's sad that that is what we come to; forgotten and neglected after so many years.

The dark clouds rolling across the sky, hiding the sun's presence, makes the cemetery seem gloomier than it usually already is. The shade of the familiar oak tree near my family' graves is usually relieving on a warm day, but just seems haunted in the cold now.

"Here we are," I sigh turning to face the confused and sympathetic faces of those I now call my family. "You all said that you want to meet my family, well, here they are."

As I stare down at the grey headstones, everyone stays quiet, now believing that I'm telling them this – I can't believe that I'm telling them this.

"These are my two aunties, two uncles and five cousins, both pairs of grandparents and then we have..." I take a deep breath in. "My parents, my older sister, younger brother, younger sister and older brother."

I let silence take over from words for a while before turning around to face everyone, only to see them all either staring at me or at the multiple headstones that lay neatly in a line in front of us.