Fixing Me ∞ Hood

Chapter 32 - I'm Sorry

I groaned as I ripped another piece of paper out of the notepad, crumpling it and throwing it behind me. I sighed as my hair fell in front of my face again. I didn’t even bother pushing it back this time as I leaned my elbows on the desk and put my head in my hands. I sneezed as my hair tickled my nose and watched as pieces of hair flew out in front of me, before slowly floating back down.

I’ve been at this for almost an hour now, and I don’t understand why it’s so hard. I’ve scribbled out line after line, word after word. I’ve tried to write down what’s going through my mind, though the thing that’s hard about that is that my thoughts keep changing. Ever since Calum wrote me that note, I’ve been meaning to write one back to him, telling him that this will never work, but I’ve just never gotten to it – thinking that it would only take me a short amount of time. Man was I wrong. I just can’t seem to figure out what I want to write down. I’ll write something, then think it’s too mean so I’ll try to write something after it to tone it down, then I’ll realise that that was the opposite of what I was suppose to be saying. Then I’d obviously crumple the paper and throw it behind me. 

I just need to toughen up. It’s simple; Calum and I are just never going to happen, we never can happen. Besides, we’re too different from each other. And I’ve never really had experiences in a good relationship, so I don’t know how it works. Yeah, I’ve been with PJ, and a few other guys, but they’ve never been good relationships. Sometimes I didn’t even feel like I was in a relationship, because I’d always find them kissing other girls at parties, so it’s just normal. And that’s exactly what I did at parties too, kissed other guys. It was mostly dares and stuff, but it that’s all it was. That’s all I’ve ever known, so that’s all I’ve ever done when it comes to relationships… I’m not good with the whole “relationship rules” thing. I’m not sure what I can and can’t do, and I’m not good at the whole “emotions” thing. 

I turned around in my swivel chair and looked down at the ground around me, staring at the litter floor. Ball after ball of crumpled up papers were spotted around the carpeted floor. I slumped in my chair, pouting at the pieces of paper and sighed, realising that I was going to have to pick all of them up later. I also realised that those crumpled balls of paper were the exact description of my mind right now - crumpled, broken and separate; one paper saying one thing, and anther something else. I don’t even know what I want, but I know what I have to make myself want… everything that I would have wanted when I was the old me. 

I turned back around in my swivel chair, and lay my forearms on my desk, leaning down to rest my head on them. I titled my head to stare at my pen. I have to do this, I just have to get it over and done with.

I picked my pen up slowly and placed the tip down on the paper. I closed my eyes for a second, clearly my mind and focussing on what I wanted to say to Calum. Soon enough, my hand manoeuvred the pen, and it started flying across the page, my mind barely able to catch up with what I was writing.

Calum…

Where do I start?

Calum’s P.O.V

I scanned through the cupboard. There was so much food, but nothing that really appealed to me. There was a lot in the cupboard, but there was nothing. I should be grateful that I have this much food everyday, but there’s nothing that I want to eat.  

I slammed the wooden door shut with a loud bang, and sighed as it continued to ring in my head. I rubbed my temples, trying to relieve the pressure that had built up there from my fight with the boys yesterday. But it didn’t work.