Fixing Me ∞ Hood

Chapter 33 - Confide

Someone once told me to never change to please someone - but change because it makes you a better person, and leads you to a better future. What if I'm changing to please myself? It doesn't necessarily make me a better person, but it leads someone I care about to a better future. I know it does. I, of all people, should know that being around me is toxic... people get hurt, people get injured or people die. I literally seem to be a symbol for bad luck.

I've realised that I've been selfish all my life, not thinking about what I put others through when I'm with them. But Calum made me think about the effect I was having on him, and that's when I decided to do something unselfish for once... I left. Of course I'm going back, but I'm not going to be there, my darker side is.

The problem in doing this is that I'm still being selfish. I stole Calum's heart, strung it along, and then broke it. It was selfish of me to take it in the first place, and even more selfish of me to break it. I'm selfish for breaking his heart when all he ever did was give himself to me. I know he has strong feelings for me, whether it's love, or just a crush I guess I'll never know. Maybe Calum will never know that either since I haven't given us a chance.

I guess all of that makes me a bad person, no matter if I've done any good in my life. But when I think about it, what in my life doesn't make me a bad person?

I sighed as I let the hot water cascade over my body and the steam engulf the room and my lungs. Alex, being like a big brother to me, basically shoved me into the bathroom to have a shower so that I didn't get sick or anything. God knows how long I've been in here, but Alex doesn't seem to mind me wasting water. As soon as I got into the house, he pulled me into a hug and asked me if I was okay... I said no and started crying. To calm me down and to keep me warm, he told me to get in the shower and that he'd give me some clothes of his to wear, but I declined them, already knowing what I wanted to wear.

I turned off the water, already missing the warmth, and dried myself off with the towel. I slipped on a pair of light grey sweat pants, UGG boots, a plain white singlet, and then... Calum's dark blue hoody that he had given me the first time he experienced me screaming because of my nightmare. I let my hair out of the bun I had it in for my shower, instantly feeling the relief from the tight elastic.

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair before coming out of the bathroom and down the stairs to where Alex sat, watching TV. He turned around when he heard my footsteps and instantly got up off the lounge, pulling me into another hug.

"Long time no see, little Peterson." He chuckled slightly at the nickname he use to call me when I was younger.

"I know." I relaxed into his warm, familiar embrace. "I've missed you being around all the time."

"You should have come back earlier then... or never left at all."

"Yeah..." I whispered, looking down at the ground.

"But you didn't want to come back, did you?" Alex asked after a few seconds of silence.

"It's not that I didn't want to come back, I just wanted a break... and that turned out really well didn't it?"

"A life like this doesn't always go the way you plan it to."

"Yeah... And it seems that I keep learning that the hard way."

"Life isn't suppose to be easy, Jordy."

"I wish it could be..." I mumbled.

"And where's the fun in that?" Alex laughed.

I laughed with him as we both walked around to sit on the lounge. He sat on one end, and I sat in the middle, pulling my knees up to my chest and playing with the edge of the hoody sleeves.