Fixing Me ∞ Hood

Chapter 19 - Black or White

Such a pure colour, white, isn't it? It's clean; no markings, no scars, no impurities. The colour of innocence. Most people say that white is like a new beginning, a clean slate, a blank page ready to be written on. But my opinion? Yes, it's clean, and yes, I see it as the colour of innocence. But, I also see it as a colour that is easily stained, easily ruined.

I only ever wore white when I was little. When I reached the age of seven, I never looked at white in the same way. It always seems like it's mocking me. Showing me a life that I can never have; rubbing in the fact that I can't have a clean slate. I see white everywhere. Even when the darkness takes over, it's waiting in the sidelines, waiting to come back out. But it never can because it's already covered in black marks; marks that are so engraved that they'll never be able to come out. There is no white in my life.

Grey. An unemotional colour. Often a cold colour associated with stormy skies. It can also be a colour of compromise. It's neither white nor black. It's in the middle. From one extreme to another, there is always a way to be both. It's the transition between black and white, yet it can be easily changed; the closer it is to white, the more pure it becomes and the more lively it is. The closer it is to black, the more dramatic and mysterious it becomes.

It can easily go either way, but it's always such a cold and unemotional colour. When you see grey storm clouds, you know something bad is coming. When those clouds are out, it makes the day seem so dull; seeming like nothing is happy because it covers up the sunlight, it hides it.

Black. Such a dark colour. It lurks in the darkness of the night, in the shadows, in your nightmares. You can't see through it. Once you're surrounded by it, there's no way to get away from it. All you can do is wait for the light to come and give you vision.

Black is the absence of light, the absence of white. It's mysterious; keeps things hidden. It can easily take over. If you write something on paper and you scribble it out with black pen, it's gone. If you paint something in colour but put black over it, the colour is no longer seen - it's there, but it can't get through the black. Never again will it be seen until someone comes along and scrapes it back.

It's the same if the lights go out; no one can see you and you can't see anything. You become too scared to walk forwards in case you fall, so the only way is to go in back, back the way you came. Lost. Never able to walk forward because you can't see anything there.

There are no answers in the colour black, only fears and insecurities. Intimidating. Unfriendly. Easily gains the advantage. It takes but never gives. It's where your demons hide. It's where you can easily get trapped.

Which am I? I know I am not white for I am not innocent. I can not have a clean slate, my white blank page has too much black on it. It's no longer white. No one can see the light colour underneath, everyone sees the black and doesn't take enough time to scrape back the layers to see the white; the light, the goodness, the purity - the potential for all of those.

I use to think I was grey, somewhere in the middle - easily able to go back to white. But whenever I tried, I found myself moving further into the dark. The more questions I asked, the more marks were scribbled on my innocence. To this day, I still ask questions, and most I don't get answers for. Therefore, more marks go on my white.

The thing is, in the years that I've been alone, I've gotten so many black marks that there is no white to be seen. It's just black marks on top of black marks. I've never met someone willing to take the time to strip back the layers and help me find my white.

Until now.

I might not know Calum that well, but he could potentially be my 'saviour'. I know that sounds like something out of a fairytale, but it could be true. He's good. He's happy, energetic, loving, caring, strong, relaxed, charming, lively, the list can go on. He's just a bundle of positive energy. Sure, there's times where he's shy, disappointed or not as confident, but everyone has those days.