Fixing Me ∞ Hood

Chapter 13 - Cemetery

“Jordan?” Calum knocked lightly on my door for the eighth time in almost two hours. 

I have to hand it to him, he's persistent, I'll give him that. Ever since eleven o'clock this morning, every fifteen minutes he'll come and knock on my door. It now being quarter to one, it's the eighth time he's tried to get me to open the door. 

“Jordan, please. I know you’re awake.” He begged. 

Ignoring him again, I reached under my pillow and pulled out the old, crumpled photo that I always take with me; the last photo taken of my whole family together.

I stared at all of their faces before stopping and letting my fingers linger over my older brother, older sister, mother and father. Yes, I did have a younger brother and a younger sister, but it's my older siblings that I long to talk to right now. I need their advice — advice that I obviously can't get.  

I let tears slide silently down my cheeks as I looked at every single member of my family; aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents, siblings and parents. I let out a quiet sob when I stopped at my mum. She always use to tell me that it's better to be an individual, that being different is so much more interesting. I don’t think she wanted me to be this different. 

I've always wanted to look like my older sister, with her dark hair and blue eyes she use to always look stunning. I always use to admire her beauty, but now her beauty can no longer be admired other than in photos. 

I've never really looked like either of my sisters, which has always bothered me in some ways, but I always use to go by what my mum said about being an individual. Being older and wiser now, I just want to look like my sisters — look like part of the family. I want to look in the mirror and almost look exactly like my sister, and be able to call myself beautiful. 

Calum interrupted my thoughts by knocking on my door again.

“Please, Jordan, just let me in.  I’m sorry.” Calum pleaded. 

My heart both aches for him and yearns for him; I feel sorry for hurting him and I really want him beside me, but if I get too attached to him what am I going to do when I leave here? Am I going to be miserable and dwell of the fact that things were staring to get good, or do I move on without any feelings and without getting hurt. I like the second option better. 

“Jordan?” He whimpered. 

I squeezed my eyes shut and sighed as I rolled over to lie on my back. I can't let him in, I can't replace Jamie. 

I frowned to myself, not even knowing that I'm afraid of doing that; replacing Jamie. 

I guess is because, to me, getting attached to someone means that I’m leaving out my family, it means that I’m forgetting about them. It’s bad enough already that sometimes I have a hard time remembering their faces, their voices and their affection. I don’t need other people in my life to replace them, therefore, making me neglect the memory of my family. 

With a sigh from Calum, behind the door, he gave up and I'm left to listen to his retreating footsteps. 

I hate to admit it, but I think I'm starting to develop feelings for Calum. Whether they're just friendly or more than that I don't know, not yet at least. He's just such a likeable guy that it's impossible to hold a grudge against him for long. But in order to protect myself, I need to lock these confusing 'feelings' away and not let them come out. I don't even know whether they're 'feelings' as such, but just a good friendship, either way I need to forget about them — before it gets to a point where I can't stop them. 

I need to visit my family again. I need to see their graves to remind myself of everything I'll be leaving behind if I move on. All the memories, all the experiences, all the people and all the pain.