Fixing Me ∞ Hood

Chapter 46 - Family

It's quite depressing when you think about it. Someone dies every minute. That person would have been loved. They might have been young. They might have been older. Some mightn't have even gotten to live that long. Either way, they were all loved, the young ones had potential and the older ones had shown their potential.

But what happens after you die? Depending on what you and your family wanted, you get buried in the ground or you get cremated - ashes there for everyone to look at. All the work that you've done in your life, all the time you spent trying to become yourself, it's just burned or buried. It's the same with everyone. So, all you can do is make the most of your life while you're alive, and make an impact on them, because in the ground, no one is going to remember.

One day, everyone that you knew isn't going to be around. So all you can do is make them happy while you can.

But looking at all these headstones makes me realise that I'm not ready to die, even though a few weeks ago, all I wanted was to stop living. Dying scares me. What happens to everyone who cares about me after I die? I won't be there to tell them that it's okay, I won't be there to comfort them. They're just left to mourn and wonder what my life could have been. They're left to think about their regrets. That's what happened when my family died.

I regret not telling them that I loved them more. I regret not spending more time with them. I regret not thanking them. They raised me to the person who I am, or maybe who I was, and then I ruined myself. But not anymore. They deserve more than what I've done with myself.

I'm the only one left in my family, and this isn't how we should all be represented. I know people always say this, but it's true; they would want me to be happy. If people really cared about you before they passed, they wouldn't want you to live in despair and sadness for the rest of your life.

I will not give up, not for many years to come. And for them, my family, I will be happy.

But I'm scared of the day when my family's headstones fade; their names no longer able to be seen or respected, their lives never able to be thought about anymore.

Every headstone has a story, every single one. But as the years go by, their stories are forgotten more and more as the stone slowly gets covered up. But then again, it shows people walking by just how long those people have been gone, and reminds every living person just how long they've been living.

My family's headstones are not yet faded, which I am glad for, because I'm scared of the day that I forget them. I'm scared that if I am happy, I'll forget my family - I'll forget to remember them.

Today, I sat in front of my mum's grave. Everyone always says that mother's know best.

Sighing, I pulled grass out of the ground and started playing with it. "What do I do mum?"

I pouted at the silence.

"You know," I rested my chin in my hand. "It's times like this that I wish you were here. I can't really talk to Joy about Calum - she's already set out the rules between the two of us. I understand why she's doing what she's doing, but you can't help who you fall in love with."

A slight breeze blew across my skin, causing some hair to fall over my shoulder, as I frowned in thought.

"Is that what this is? Love? Is this what love feels like? Or is it just the feeling of letting down someone that you love? Because if this is what love feels like... I'm already tired of feeling frustrated with myself."

I chuckled at myself. "Why do I sound so philosophical?"

I hate this hollow feeling inside my chest. I've felt it too many times in my lifetime, and I always hate feeling it. The Hoods had left earlier this morning after Joy had tried to convince me to come. Calum hadn't come to see me, not that I could blame him though. I know that I'm letting them down, and I know that I should be going to that 'family gathering', but I'm scared.