Fixing Me ∞ Hood

Chapter 4 - You Can't Go

"We can run away." Dylan insists. "We sneak out all the time. I'm sure we can run away."

"And go where? With what money?" I sigh and slump my shoulders further. 

"We'll figure it out."

"No we can't, D. It's not practical, we won't survive."

"But we can! We're both strong, we can do it!"

"There's no getting out of it, Dylan. I'm going to that foster home in two days and there's nothing I can do about it."

"Oh, stop being so ungrateful." Lily sneered. "Any of us would kill to be fostered, to have a family, and you're sitting here complaining."

She's right. I am ungrateful. But I can't stand being judged and thrown out of another foster home. I already had a family, and now they're gone. I'm not going to replace them. 

"Oh shut up, Lily. You haven't been through what she has." Dylan hissed.

"She's right though," I sighed. "The little kids are stuck here living a crappy life and I get to go off to a foster home that I don't even want to go to. It's not fair for them... Maybe I just need to change how I think. You know, this could be different. This foster home might actually be my new home. They might be a family that cares about me." I faked a smile.

"Okay, no need to go overboard." Lily rolls her eyes.

"What do you people want from me? Honestly?"

"Grow up, Jordan. Before you get seriously hurt and no one is there to help you. Hope is only there to be crushed! Only little kids that don't know any better have hope! But we're old enough to know that there is no more hope for us, there is no such thing as hope."

"I lost my whole family when I was seven. You don't think I know what it's like to get hurt? I've lost everything! Every person that I've even cared about remotely has either left, died or hurt me. I had to grow up and learn to fend for myself. I know what it's like to have hope crushed!"

"Then why don't you learn from that? Stop being so selfish and let other people get adopted! People that actually want a family and a home!"

"I didn't choose this, Lily! I don't even get a say whether I want to go or not!"

"Oh please, you make it sound like you have a shitty life."

"Get out!" I scream. "Get the fuck out! You have no idea what my life is like!"

"Fine! Have a nice life, bitch! I'm so not going to miss you."

"Right back at you!"

The impact of the door slamming vibrates around the room and then it becomes completely silent. Dylan sits there awkwardly fiddling with his fingers. 

"You can't leave," he whispered after a while. "You can't leave me."

"Dylan, I don't have a choice." I sighed. "There's nothing we can do."

"There must be something." 

"There's not, D, but you never know, this family might actually be nice for once."

"But you can't leave me here alone. This place is going to be Hell without you. You mean everything to me."

"I'm sure you'll survive." I smiled tightly. 

"No, you don't understand, Jordan. I... I..."

"Dylan?" I frowned at his worried expression. 

"I know that you don't want to love someone because you don't want to get hurt, and I didn't at first either, but then I got to know you and as much as I want to deny it, I've been falling for you this whole time." He blurted.

"No, Dylan..."

"I have to, Jordan. I need you to know how I feel before it's too late. I can't let you leave, at least not until you know everything. You might hate me after this because I made it harder for you but I don't care... I love you, Jordan. I have since the day I first met you."

A lump formed in my throat and the air got stuck in my lungs. I don't want to hurt him, I've never wanted to. Dylan is the only person who is always there for me, he's the only person who cares about me. I just didn't know how much he cared. But the thought of someone loving me in this way scares me because I have to hurt him. With a life like this, I can't afford to fall in love, even though I don't even like Dylan in that way.

"Dylan, I-"

I tried to apologise to him but he cut me off my crushing his lips to mine, then sudden move jolting me. This is so wrong, I feel like I'm leading him on, but I kiss him back anyway. There's no emotion in the kiss for me, I only kiss him hesitantly because I feel like I have to. I know how hard it is for Dylan to show emotion like this, but I just can't reciprocate it. 

Not even Dylan is enough to break down my walls. He's not enough to change me. Nothing is.

I place my hands on his chest and push his away from me gently. 

"I'm sorry, Dylan." I whispered. "This isn't right."

He pulled away from me completely and hung his head. "I knew it, I knew you wouldn't feel the same way."

"I'm sorry," I whispered again. "I just don't feel that way. You're a great guy, Dylan, but I can't do this."

"It was stupid," he shook his head. "I just thought that after all we've been through, after all the heartbreaks you've had, you would realise that I've always been here. But I guess I was wrong, nobody will ever feel that way towards me."

"Don't say that, D. One day, you're going to find an amazing girl, a girl so much better than me. You're going to fall in love and marry her and start a family with her. You're going to have everything you want and more, Dylan, you deserve it."

"Why would you say that?" He frowned. "Why would you say that when you don't even believe it?"

"I don't believe it for me, but it can happen for you. I know it can."

"Stop lying to me, Jordan."

"I'm not-"

"You want to go, don't you? Deep down you know you want to go to this foster home."

"I don't know," I sighed. "Maybe I do but I know I'm just going to get hurt so there's no point in getting my hopes up."

"Good," he nodded. "I'm glad you're smart enough to know that. You won't get hurt that way."

"Dylan, what if-"

"I'll be waiting for you to come back."

"Dylan-"

"Goodbye, Jordan. I'll see you soon."

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Counting down the chapters to when they meet! XD