Fixing Me ∞ Hood

Chapter 42 - No Words

Calum's P.O.V

No words could describe the amount of overwhelming sadness my heart and body has felt over the past three weeks.

No words could describe the amount of overwhelming pain every muscle in body body has felt over the past three weeks.

No words could describe the amount of overwhelming heartache I have felt over the past three weeks.

No words could describe the amount of overwhelming loneliness I have felt over the past three weeks.

Three weeks.

Three weeks of not seeing or hearing from Jordan... and it's killing me. Or really, I should say, it's killed me and is now just continuing to stab me in the heart. She ran away. Jordan actually ran away. I never thought this would happen. I thought that this place, my home, would be her home. I thought that this would be the last time she'd ever have to move. Most of all, I thought that she was happy here.

Maybe she was, and maybe I just ruined it. I ruined it by kissing her. How stupid could I be? I knew it would cause trouble, I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn't help myself. I couldn't, and still can't, stop the strong feelings I have towards her.

I don't just love her, I'm in love with her. I'd do anything for her, and do anything to show her how much I love her. But know I can't, because she's not even around. She's gone. She packed up her things and left... And it's been three weeks.

In those three weeks, I've cried a lot, I've yelled a lot, I've skipped a few days of school, I've spent whole days in bed, I've tried to isolate myself from the boys - even though it hasn't worked - and I've honestly just felt like shit. Two weeks ago I told mum that I hated her because she did this, she made Jordan run away. Then, a few days ago - at the beginning of the week, I apologised to her and she told me that she knows it's just because I'm angry and upset. She also said that she thinks it's her fault too. It might have been a contributing factor, but that isn't the whole reason.

Before Jordan ran, I knew something was wrong. But I always just brushed it off, thinking that she was just angry with us. Now I've come to the conclusion to never brush things off when it comes to Jordan, or to jump to conclusions.

I just wish I had paid more attention to her and the way she was thinking. Maybe I could have stopped her... Maybe I could have helped her.

After each week has passed, I've lost more and more hope. It has now come to a point where it feels like she's never going to come back. I just wish I knew whether she was okay or not.

~

Standing in her room, right now, felt wrong. Without her here, it was just a guest room, but it's still her room - some of her stuff is still here, her smell is still here, her presence is still here. As soon as I opened her door, her sweet, fruity scent mixed with vanilla filled my nose, making my chest tighten. I miss her. I miss her so God damn much.

The thought of never seeing her again, or maybe seeing her in a couple of years but not recognising her, the thought of not knowing where she was, what she was doing or whether she was okay... or whether she loved me back, was absolute agony.

If I don't see her again, I'll never know what could have been... and that kills me.

I stared at the photos laid out on her bed, along with the clothes we bought her, her phone and the note; I'm sorry I was such a problem.

She wasn't a problem, ever. Sure, she caused some trouble, but she was never a burden to have in my life, or anyone else's.

If she were to come back, I'd back sure that she knew how I truly felt, not how she thinks I feel. I'll try us, I'll convince her to try us. That's all I want, her. I want to know if we work, if we're meant to be. I'll give her all of me and love her until the day I die.