Fixing Me ∞ Hood

Chapter 24 - Familiar Faces

You remember how just before I said that water can kill thousands of people in a matter of seconds, and tears homes apart without any strain. So simple, yet so powerful. Well, before I was in the water that gently laps around your ankles at the beach, the water that ripples slightly when the wind blows over it. It was the blissful peacefulness as Calum and I connected in ways that I have never connected with anyone before. But now…

Now is the part where it sweeps me away… never to be seen again. 

I watched myself in the mirror. I watched my skin pale, my eyes widen, my pupils become smaller, my lips tremble, tears form in my eyes and my muscles stiffen. 

I was frozen. 

It was like watching a horror movie. The part where you scream at the character to kick the guy in the nuts and run. The scene where the main character doesn’t do anything, or if she does, she doesn’t call the police, she doesn’t grab a knife, she doesn’t run out of the house but instead runs upstairs where she can be cornered. 

The funny thing is, I’m not watching a movie. I’m watching me. I’m watching the horrific nightmare that I call my life unfold before my eyes. I’m watching myself unravel. I’m watching myself freeze up, even though I know what to do.

I’ve taken self defence classes. I’ve seen therapists and physiatrists. I’ve seen the movies and documentaries. I’ve seen the news reports… and I’ve seen what happens in real life – my life. I’ve learned everything I need to know about protecting myself. I know to kick a guy in the nuts before running out into a crowd of people…

The thing is, that’s all good in theory, but when the time comes… you’re too scared to do anything. You’re body goes numb. The sound of your scream echoes in your head, but it never actually comes out of your mouth. You suddenly forget everything that you’ve learned. 

At this point, I wish it was a movie. Because in the end, everyone turns out alright. People might die in theory, but the actors are always there when the movie finishes. In real life, if someone dies… they don’t come back. 

As tears slip from my eyes and roll down my cheeks, I thought of water again. I find it weird how water keeps us alive, without water we would die. But, it can kill you so easily… tidal waves, tsunamis, drowning. Water is life, and water is death. 

I looked at the tattoo that I know is there on my inner forearm, hidden under the lace of my dress sleeves.

Let the ocean take me…

That’s what it says. To others, they might think that it sounds cool, catchy… but for me, it actually means something. Once I got older, and fully realised and understood what happened, not only to me, but to my family, I didn’t care about anything. I was 13 when I first started realising the reality of my life. As if it’s not hard enough becoming a teenager without everything that happened to me. The moods, the sarcasm, the attitude, the not caring, the anti-socialness… everything. That was all heightened for me, especially the not caring and the attitude. I just didn’t care what happened to me. That’s when I started trying to kill myself. 

It’s ironic really, having a tattoo about water when it’s one of my greatest fears. I’ve never been in a pool again since getting away from the opposing gang. They’d drowned me and my brother. It traumatised me. I’ve never been in the ocean since then either… it’s just something about water. Sometimes, I even get anxious in the shower… sometimes. 

But the meaning of my tattoo… well, if I find myself in the ocean, theoretically or literally, then I’ll let it take me. I’ll let pull me under, or take me away with the waves. I’ll just let it take me…