PANANAW NG ISANG TAGASUPORTA (A Supporter's Point of View - Book 2)

POV 104 - YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION

You took up BS Psychology as your course. Kaliwa't kanan ang mga requirements na ginagawa mo kasama na roon ang thesis na pangunahing requirement na kinakailangan mong madepensahan at maipasa upang ikaw ay makapagtapos sa kolehiyo. Ilang gabi ka nang walang maayos na tulog. Halos gabi gabi ka ring umiiyak dahil sa posibleng pagkasiphayo na iyong matamo kung ikaw ay magkamali. Isa kang perfectionist. Isang pagkakamali mo lang, agad ka nang nakakaramdam ng matinding pagkadismaya dahil pakiramdam mo ay hindi pa rin sapat ang lahat ng iyong pinaghirapan upang makarating sa kinalalagyan mo ngayon. Masyado ka ring mahigpit sa iyong sarili. Isa sa pinakakinakatakutan mo ay ang makatanggap ng hindi magandang komento o puna mula sa ibang tao.

"Kailangan kong maisagawa ito nang maayos. Kailangan kong mapatunayan sa kanilang magaling ako." Animo sa iyong sarili. Kumuha ka ng gunting at itinutok mo yon sa iyong pulso. Plano mo nang tapusin ang lahat. "Kailangan ko nang tapusin to." Sabi mo pa. Narinig iyon ng iyong ina. Sinubukan niyang buksan ng buong lakas ang pintuan sa iyong silid. "Anak noooo!" Sigaw niya sabay bukas ng pinto. Agad na sumunod sa kanya ang daddy mo at ang mga kuya mo. "Liza, what happened?" Tanong ng daddy mo sa mommy mo. Hindi sumagot ang mommy mo. "Mom?" Gulat mong sabi.  "Anak, maaari ba tayong mag- usap?" Saad niya. "Yes mom." Sagot mo. "Cheska, are you alright?" She asked you. You nodded. "Anak, don't be too hard to yourself. You do not have to prove them that you are better than them. You do not have to prove them wrong. You know what, sa kagustuhan mong maging magaling, nakakalimutan mo nang maging mabuti. Kung minsan, kahit gaano ka pa kagaling, hindi ka pa rin magiging masaya. Kasi anak alam mo, being good or excellent in academics isn't the true definition of a successful person. A successful person for me is a person who is genuinely happy. Napapansin ko parang lagi kang may ka- kompetensiya. Lagi kang umiiyak kapag may nakakalamang sayo." Sabi niya. "Ma—" 

Magsasalita ka pa sana pero muli siyang nagsalita. "Palagi mong kinukumpara ang sarili mo sa iba. Pakiramdam mo, hindi pa rin sapat ang lahat ng ginagawa mo kahit ginagawa mo naman yung best mo. Pakiramdam mo, hindi pa rin yun sapat. Anak sorry ha. Pero anak, hindi ka na kasi marunong makuntento. Depressed ka ba? Dati, masaya ka naman kapag nagtatagumpay ang mga kaibigan mo eh. Pero ngayon, nagbago ka na." Sabi niya. Agad kang humagulgol. "Akala ko hindi niyo na malalaman dahil hindi ko naman sinasabi sa inyo. Malalaman niyo pa rin pala." Sabi mo. "So you really are depressed?" Sabi ng mommy mo sayo. "Mmm mmm. Akala ko po nung una okay ako kasi akala ko malungkot lang ako. Sabi ko pa nga normal lang yun. Yun pala hindi na." Sabi mo. Sunod na nagsalita ang dad mo. "Anak, anong nangyari?" Tanong niya. "Dad, I'm planning to kill myself. I'm sorry." You admitted to him while crying.  He get the scissors in your hand. He gave it to your kuya Simon. He pulled you closer to his chest. "Why? Will you tell us why? What's wrong?" He asked you. "I'm disappointed with my performance, dad." You answered. Your kuya Sandro sat beside you. Humarap ka sa kanya.  "Do not see other people doing better than you, ading ko. Beat your own records everyday because success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF." Aniya. Niyakap mo siya. "Kuya, thank you, ha? Thank you for all your advices. Kung wala yung mga advices mo, I didn't know what to do. You really are my favorite kuya." Sabi mo sa panganay mong kapatid. "Did you research about the causes and signs of depression?" Your kuya Simon asked you. "Yes kuya." You answered. "And what did you discovered after doing some research?" Your kuya Vinny asked. "That I have almost all of the signs of depression yet I didn't know and I'm not aware kuya." You told him. "All you have to do is to share everything to us. You need someone who is willing to listen even to all your nonsense dramas and stories." Sabi ng kuya Simon mo. "The biggest question here is WHO? Who will be that one person who'll be willing to listen to my story no matter how nonsense it is?" You asked yourself. "Are you still going to find other people? We are here. Always in all ways. We will never leave your side. We will listen to your stories. We will always be listening to you. Always remember that." Saad ng kuya Vincent mo. "Kuya busy kayong lahat. Ayoko namang makaistorbo. Tsaka hindi naman importante." Saad mo. Sumagot ang kuya Sandro mo. "Not important? You are important. And another thing, hindi ka naman istorbo sa amin." Sabi niya sayo. "Kuya?" Tawag mo sa tatlo mong mga kapatid. "Yes?" They answered in unison. "Thank you." You mouthed. "Bunso, I have a huge feeling na you also have an anxiety. Kasi napapansin ko tuwing madaling araw, naririnig kitang sumisinghot." Sabi ng kuya Vincent mo. "Kuya, paano mo ako naririnig na sumisinghot sa gabi e ang aga mong nakakatulog?" You asked him. "Minsan kapag nauuhaw ako, napapadaan ako sa kwarto mo." Sabi niya. Nagulat ka dahil ang buong akala mo ay walang nakakarinig ng iyong paghikbi. You ran towards his direction. You gave him a tight hug. "Dad, mom, kuyas, I'm sorry for hiding this to you." Saad mo. "Why did you hid all of these things to us?" Your kuya Sandro asked you. "I was just afraid kuya." You answered. "Afraid of what?" He asked you again. "Of not being heard. Of not being believed." Saad mo. Naiyak ka habang binibitawan ang mga salitang iyon. Your kuya Sandro pulled you closer to his chest and whispered, "Always remember that no matter what happen, we always got your back. We will always believe you kahit ano pang sabihin mo. Got your back, princess. Always in all ways." Saad niya tsaka niya hinalikan ang ulo mo. Bigla kang naiyak. "Kuya!!! Thank you!!!" Sabi mo sa panganay mong kapatid. You kissed him on his cheeks.  "Aw, ading ko. Ang ading ko naglalambing na naman." Aniya. "Bakit kuya, don't you like it? Should I stop doing it na?" Saad mo sabay pout. "Ah, nah. That's not what I meant. It's just that sana lagi kang malambing. Nakakamiss yung five year old self mo na laging sumisiksik sa amin ng kuya Simon at kuya Vinny mo." Sabi niya. "Pwede ko pa rin namang gawin yon ah. Anytime you want. Basta sabihin mo lang. Pero kuya kapag kayo kinasal ni ate Faith Alexandria, magkaanak kayo ng babae. Siya na ang maglalambing sa sayo." Sabi mo. "Kaya nga gusto ko sanang nakiusap. Pwede bang lagi mo na lang akong yakapin mula sa likod pagkagaling ko sa work? Habang wala pa akong baby girl, ikaw na lang muna. Please?" Pakiusap ng kuya mo. You suddenly looked at him. His eyes looks like it's speaking to you. It is asking you to stay beside him. You hugged him. Para siyang naiiyak habang nakatingin sayo. "Naiiyak ka ba kuya sands? Are you alright?" You asked him. "Ah, nah. I'm okay. Don't mind me. Thank you for the hug bunso." Sabi niya sayo. "Let's go kuya. Let's eat na." Sabi mo sa kanya. Agad naman kayong pumunta sa kusina para kumain. "Kuya thank you, huh. I thought you won't understand how I feel." Animo. "Next time, don't try to kill yourself, okay?" He told you. You nodded your head.